AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

Elderly women are extra vulnerable though, alone at home. Women in general are perfectly entitled to prefer another woman.

OP you absolutely can request same sex carers. My mum was in the same position. She was 90 and lived with us. She had a care package in place after a similar hospital stay and was really distressed when two male carers showed up on the first day. A quick call to the care company was all it took to register same sex carers as a preference, which they managed to honour, although it does depend on staffing. When you call the care agency ask for same sex carers, not same gender.

As an aside has the UTI been completely cleared up ? I’m only asking as it appears to have been severe enough for hospital admission and in the elderly UTI’s can often present with confusion which is then mistaken for signs of dementia.

15.Apr.2025

A recent judicial review decision found that there is no duty to provide same-sex intimate care. Ros Foster examines the case.

https://www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/adult-social-care/307-adult-care-features/60586-provision-of-same-sex-intimate-care

No woman at any age should be gently persuaded not to worry about men on the basis of anecdotal evidence about lovely male carers, IMHO. I would rather care for my mum myself.

Well, of course she can request that.

But if it's not intimate care, which it doesn't sound like it is, then I think I'd try to get her not to worry about it.

Maybe a compromise is being ok with male carers for the two middle ones, but asking for female only in the morning and evening as they are more likely to help with dressing/bedtime?

We were so lucky with mum when she needed 24hr support, we got a live in carer, a man, and he was great. So kind and good with mum. For some obscure reason she called him Tebby, and he didn't seem to mind at all.

But, whether someone is ok with opposite sex carers is personal of course.

#notallmen is not appropriate here.

My mum’s favourite carer is actually a man. He’s a lovely guy and she has a good laugh with him. He goes above and beyond the call of duty. So maybe she should try a man out!

Having said that though, it’s her choice, and she’s perfectly within her rights to specify.

My mum is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease. Last year, following a hospital stay she had the 6 weeks post discharge carers, at home. We had specifically requested no male carers as this very much upsets mum. They sent male carers several times so we let them go. I didn’t even bother discussing it with them if they couldn’t have respected our wishes.

Mum now has carers every day, we pay privately for them and we have female only carers.

There is no way I’d want male carers for myself let alone for my 83 year old mother who can not advocate for herself.

Good to see you have solved the issue op.

Quite.

OP has resolved this, but until women commit violent crimes at the same rate as men, I will insist on female carers only for my elderly mum. Intimate care or not.

Yeah, looking at the follow-up. I don't know why @Newforthis26 wrote it the way she did.

"Who cares?"

You might not care. And that's fine

But OP's mother does care. And that should be respected

Are you deliberately trolling? Thinking of my own mum, 89, currently living alone with carers coming in. I would always insist she has same sex carers for her comfort, safety and dignity. Give your head a wobble.

Agree! She needs to feel comfortable poor lady

Well no, I was more making a point that if family aren’t following her wishes then she needs someone in her corner. She may not lack MC but her needs weren’t being respected and she wasn’t able to speak to the care provider herself?. Doesn’t have to be an Imca but a friend. But sounds like OP has sorted.

She can ask for carers by SEX, of course. It’s about dignity even if personal care is not involved.

Is there anyone else who can help and advocate for her as you don’t agree with her wishes?

This is a very revealing post that shows how Stonewalled local authorities are pushing the idea that asking for same sex care is somehow bigotry. It's not.

This has been a very powerful lobby that's even managed to remove the words woman and mother from pregnancy and childbirth, the word woman from menopause and so on.

Problems about the numbers of female carers in the workforce are legitimate. What's not OK is to say it's discriminatory / illegal to ask for same sex care. It's not. It's reasonable and proportionate for this elderly woman to ask for same sex carers in her own home and it's good to see that this has now been arranged.

Sex! made up "gender" not relevant, carer will be either a man or woman.

She absolutely can! Some care agencies won’t be able to as they have to rotate male staff on - find one that can do that!

I work for social services and this is a common request. Also no way would I be having male carers when I’m 80!!

This has gladdened my heart today, thank you 🙂 My mum loathes personal care.

Your mum should absolutely be able to choose her carers by gender. Whether or not this is possible, is another matter. My mum is in a nursing home and we have stipulated no male personal care. I certainly wouldn't want personal care from a man and I'm not going to subject my mum to that. Its undignified and embarrassing for her as it is; its nothing to do with not trusting a man. Same should apply other way around if a man is embarrassed to be given personal care by a woman. This doesn't seem to be a problem in the same way though. I always try to put myself in my mum's position when navigating her care.

iMCAs only come into place for people without mental capacity which doesn't sound the case here

She’s an 80 year old vulnerable lady. I think you need to have more compassion.

If she’s paying, then she can. If she’s not, then, usually, you get what you are given. 🤷‍♀️

Of course she can ask for female carers. Strange young men performing intimate care. Makes me feel sick.......