To say firmly and definitively I won’t miss it

"Littledidsheknow · Today 15:39
I enjoyed all stages of parenting, but I don’t look back or miss anything.
I’m glad that children grow up and progress through the stages - it’s so satisfying and rewarding, and you get these wonderful independent people at the end of it.
I’ve never understood the sobbing mums at the end of primary school thing; children are supposed to grow up and move on!"

I was a mum that found it very hard to hold back the tears when my son finished primary school. To outsiders it might have looked like I was finding it hard to let go of his childhood and nostalgia for that.

There was some nostalgia but the biggest emotion that was inappropriate to show was the deep feeling of how incredibly hard it had been to get him this far with sp little support, the desperation that takes place behind closed doors, how broken I was by being a single mother to him and his brother - both later diagnosed with moderate to severe ADHD. The teachers were lovely and I'm grateful to them.

Modern motherhood is one fucked up place as we aren't designed to bring up kids in this isolated way, but we must pretend we have this endless love that overrides the overstimulation, boredom, lack of agency and feeling trapped as it's sold as being all part of something natural, and we mothers are the ones lacking, not living up to the ideal mother where your willing nullification of yourself is proof of your good mother credentials.

It's all propaganda to keep women down, and it can damage our nervous systems, sense of self, finances and freedom.

Not the children's fault, in case anyone wants to deliver the old line of ' I feel pity your children'. It just goes round and round in a circular argument where the woman is in the wrong and has to do the sacrifice.

Of course some reading this will protest that there is no sacrifice and I must be unloving, that's fine as some people seem to be totally okay with the sacrifices of self and don't feel it. Just my perspective at the moment.

I found those years really really hard. I recommend Bonnie Harris’s website and Dr Laura Markham. They helped me deal with my stuff, which made parenting much easier.

but DH was full on 50 50.

can you get more help, if your DH is not stepping up. Get a nanny rather than nursery ? Get a cleaner / gusto / focus on your needs ?

good luck it is bloody hard work

Dream on. As if that will happen

So was I. Think I'd have lost the plot being at home with young kids

Also, just a quick heads up - the first term of reception can be really hard for some kids (holding it together all day at school, falling apart at home). If so, don't panic that this means that the school years are forever going to be even worse than the nursery years - it's just a blip!!

I (mostly!) enjoyed having babies and toddlers, and I thought I'd be devastated when they grew up. But mine are older primary - teen now, and it's awesome! They're really funny, we can watch TV/movies/go to concerts etc that I actually want to watch, it only takes 5 minutes to leave the house, if they have a late night then they just have a lie-in the next morning (instead of waking up EVEN EARLIER and being unbearable all day 😴😴)

I've never understood why it's socially acceptable (almost expected?) to hate parenting a teenager, but it's the ultimate taboo not to like parenting a baby/toddler 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if you're putting too much pressure on yourself? Even as a parent you're allowed to be human.

Babies and toddlers I loved the cuddly little creatures but the lack of sleep genuinely took years off my life and I was murderously raging a lot of the time. Not towards them but just so incredibly sleep deprived I could hardly see.

Now they are 5 Nd 8 and we have so much fun, particularly when we take the expectations away. Eldest is autistic so I was always wishing he's find things easier but over time I just learnt to enjoy him as himself. We have a couple of TV shows we watch together, he adores getting one for us to play a 2 player switch game with him, he loves sports and particular activities he very focussed on. He can still be hard work a lot but he's such a proper person.

My 5 yr old is obsessed with dolls and collectibles, she's hilarious in her turn of phrase and loves being dramatic and going for coffee (milk) and cake together.

It really will get better. You might also miss some stuff but never forget the exhaustion and difficulty, so I love memories of cuddling newborns but I don't forget the nights after nights id be awake solidly for 3/4 days and sleep only in naps.

It's just life, it's good and bad and happening all the time.

I found parenting hard OP and don’t miss much about my DCs early years. They were criers and non-sleepers for their pre-school years. I was also a SAHM because we just couldn’t afford for me to work and cover childcare costs. It was the 80s. My ExH worked shifts and was basically an aresehole! That’s why he’s an Ex.

I remember my DM commenting when my eldest started school (she came with me a couple of times in the early weeks) how every Mum was smiling as they dropped their DCs off! So I suspect most parents feel a sense of relief at that stage.

It got better for me, partly because I went college when they were both at school, went back to full time work after graduating, then divorced. I do enjoy being a grandmother now as I can have them for short bursts, their parents send them with lots of clothes, toys, food, and a routine. I feel more like a dad than a mum.

😂 not true

I think my father realised children weren't for him, I think we were one of his many hobbies he lost interest in when things didn't go to plan. He thought little children can be told to sit down,not move, not speak ,while he laid on the sofa all weekend reading library books. We weren't allowed to speak to him when he came home from work in case we annoyed him.
I have very vivid memories of my childhood and his constant barking at us or punishing us for very little.
My late mother was lovely we adored her and always went too and favoured her,I hated it when she went to her WI meetings when were were little and had to be looked after by him,I was 6 ish my sister 3 ish.
Please please don't put your kids through that,beleive you me they will pick up on it from a young age,we did. Thankfully were estranged from him now. I truly believe some people are not cut out to have kids,my father was definitely one of them

@HulkHogansHair Could be because I couldn't drive at the time. Trying to get us out the door and onto public transport to nursery, then onto work. Then reverse that after work for total 2-3 hours a day, and then have to do all the housework, cooking and prep in evening. I hated that. Couldn't do it.

OP honestly I'm pretty sure it will get better for you as they get older. My eldest is nearly 21 and I have other kids. From about 4 or 5 it's way way easier. Hang in there.

@toomanytakeawaysthissummer How many days do you work though? I found two days was the maximum I could do, any more than that and with preschooler (even just one child) I just couldn't do it. I was close to a nervous breakdown. I went down to two days and it did get better. I think it was the downtime when they went to bed most nights I would carve out time to relax after a full on day with them, or I went to a hobby whilst ex would 'watch' them (they were alseep!) but when I was working more I couldn't do that because of having to do housework or errands or go to bed for work. I was doing most of the housework and mental load though as well, as I sense you probably are too.
I know what you mean about the fight to get the other parent to be more equal, I never could get my older ones dad to be equal.

I was a full time working single parent. Much easier than being at home😅

How old is your youngest? If they are neurotypical (and even possibly if not), then I promise you the school years will be much much easier for you. Hang in there. Try your best to implement some boundaries and just try to get through each day, try carve out some time for yourself if they sleep ok.

It will get better, honestly.

I didn't say you did. Someone else said she hopes you weren't showing your children that you don't like them. You probably are a bit depressed. I certainly thinking I am at the minute. Might lessen first day of school.

Do you work @toomanytakeawaysthissummer ?

This is probably controversial on mumsnet, but I have 3 children and the times I've been most stressed and hated parenthood was when they were young as in preschool and I was trying to work more than 2 days a week.
I had very little support from family or their dad either and it was horrendous. I don't think it's do-able for most personalities to work more than very part time with young children unless you have a supportive partner and a cleaner. Trying to do it all I got horrendous PND. Times I was able to just focus on the children and house and take time for myself when they were in bed rather than running around catching up on what I hadn't done during work hours. Those times were much better. Not saying that's true for everyone, my sister has young children and works full time with a useless husband and loves it, but for me it was far too much and something had to give and obviously couldn't be the children so we had to take a massive financial hit. I went back to full time when both were in school.

It is difficult yes, and incessant. I get it I have another now (massive age gap and still no support this time single mum by donor). I don't plan on working until she is 3 minimum (I saved for this for years). If you find nothing funny or endearing, then possibly you are actually depressed rather than just overwhelmed or fed up. I get moments of why did I do this again and sadness at what you call constraints - I get that part too! But I genuinely enjoy it too. Have you heard of the Edinburgh post natal score chart? PND can last way beyond age 1.

Ignore people who say oh teenagers are worse. Not usually. Not in my experience anyway, or most others I know. Another thing someone else mentioned about going back to being a bit stricter with children like in previous days. I'm not saying physical punishment that's horrific, but strict routines, boundaries and consistent consequences work better for some parents I think. They need to know who is boss, and if they are seeing you get upset and lose control it will probably spiral and make it worse (and I am NOT blaming you for that by the way, we've all been there).

If you divorce and live apart he will need to have the kids 50/50.

Exactly, you are not feeling yourself, you may have an iron deficiency, (not that chocolate bar). It won’t hurt to go for a chat, it is very tiring to be a parent to young children, isn’t it?

I don’t hate my children. But I do hate parenting them and perhaps the distinction is too subtle for anyone to pick up on it, including them - I hope not.

Parenting does change as they age - so it's possible you may find an age that you can enjoy and that may change how you look back or not.

I loved the early years. I was tired of course but compared to the teenage amd young adult stage it was a breeze! They get bigger and so do their issues.

MIL seem to start liking it older DH got - from about 8 though amount she was round seem low - ships in night - then round a lot as adult.

She went on and on to us we hate being parents - seemed stuned we had more than one.

She loved being a GM though just did all the fun bits

She has awful birth and DH was left with few issues form that in early years everyone round her commneted on which upset her - I do wonder if it was untreated pnd.

Ours have been harder than many kids - ND but not diagonsed till uni- but despite hard times we enjoyed them.

IL also did the you won't cope when they leave home bit at me - but honestly while it was an adjustment it was fine. I enjoyed or tried to time we had at all their ages. My parents liked younger kids seemed to lose interest as we got older often hostile to us as adults.

Whether you one stance changes - no one can say - it may not it may - but memory is a tricky thing many people get rose tinted glasses with old age and others do not.

Add in neurodiverse kids and NT kids are a walk in the park. I would never complain how hard my first was who isn't ND!