Do you just accept or decline invitations from family or do you ask if you can bring someone or have a conversation about occasion?

If I invited my in laws round for the day, and then they turned up at the door with MIL's sister, I'd be a bit put out. I'd be a bit put out if they rang in advance to ask if Aunty Jean could come to, but would be more accommodating.

Children are a bit different, but we invited MIL on a dog walk the other day and was a bit annoyed when she turned up with DNiece and her dog - but that was mostly because two dogs is a different dynamic.

It would be a bit annoying if you said your child wasn't coming then decided they were and then asked me to cater for them 3 hours after everyone else had lunch (when I'd be expecting people to be leaving, not more people to be arriving) - but I would assume your children and husband come with you when inviting you so the only actual annoying thing would be you asking for a sandwich.

But in summary, an invite to one person is not an open invite to every man and their dog in the extended family in my books. It is an invite to that person, their partner and children though.

If its family and an informal/casual event of the type you mentioned in the OP do you not simply pick up the phone (or text if you are under 35) and say “sounds great, will have Gran staying is that OK?” or “DC1 at event but may join later is that ok?” or similar? On the receiving end (as someone who does a lot of these) that lets me ensure sufficient catering but they and I know that the odd unplanned extra is easy to accommodate.

If its a pageant of life event with a formal invite from family then I wouldn’t assume they have space so would check informally regarding visiting Gran or otherwise engaged child, the respond formally based on whatever worked for them. Even then, the only events where a minor change in numbers can be a problem is a formal wedding reception.

So was this a pageant of life event (a memorial) or a casual get together?

It was just a suggestion tbh. And it depends on the exact ‘sibling or child’ relationship - OP wasn’t clear at that point and as it happens it was a SiL. I wasn’t being deadly literal.

I don’t have a sibling or child called Joanne either.

Anyway it’s the last minute nature of the requests that are the issue, not my made-up etiquette.

I'm very the more the merrier but if I'm cooking I need to know in advance , we had this recently with PIL they turned up with DHs aunt and adult cousin, lovely to see them, but what do you expect me to do when I've bought salmon fillets for dinner for those I was expecting, and on a Sunday afternoon when there was no chance of getting more. They just say oh it's fine they don't mind not eating, but that's so rude to me for us to sit down to a meal while they wait for us to finish. If you are inviting extras on the day and expect them to be fed YABU

If someone isnt named on an invitation they are not invited and I would never ask for someone who wasnt invited to be allowed to come. I find that quite rude.

I would rather say sorry, im with x on that day.

If they then said oh thats fine, they are welcome to come as well then fair enough.

Team SIL.

And it does sound like hard work.

The polite response is, ‘Sorry we’d have loved to, but Granny is with us.’.
The host gets to offer- oh bring her with you- or not.

You are treating her home like and extension of yours, and your family as an extension of hers. She does get to choose whether that’s how she wants things to be. Her family may be more formal in such situations, and the invitations have more of an event fell than a family get together. She may have planned to host and entertain rather than to ‘have the family over’. Neither style is more correct than the other, but she does get to choose hers in her home when she is doing the catering.

You can talk to your brother if you want to of course, but it’s highly likely that he already knows full well how she feels about it.

I’m not sure what you would expect him to do though. She feels how she feels.

None of my family or Dh’s would ever send a written invitation to parents or siblings. We would always have a text or verbal convo about when would be a good date to have a meal together.
we dont have any other family we’d bring along but if one child was at a sport or scout camp and needed picking up part way through the event they would always be welcomed in and fed / watered even if we had all finished eating. Your SIL sounds extremely formal for close family.

Surely family will know about your kids etc? If it's new family, just ask. As long as you ask politely and in plenty of time, I don't see why anyone should be offended.

Odd post. If a family member invites ‘me’ it is always ‘you and DH’ or ‘would you all’ [ie the family] like to come for Christmas/bank holiday/weekend etc. Never had to clarify as it’s always clearly stated in the invite or query. My close family know I am married, that I have kids, they’d never invite me without it being extended to them? Unless they called and said ‘We were talking and wondered whether you fancied a sisters-only spa retreat?’

I also missed the bit about the formal written invitation.

That is your SILs way of sending you a very clear message about who is invited and more importantly who is not invited. It also sets an arrival time and possibly an end time.

Team SIL too.

If it’s a formal invitation then I wouldnt make any requests, I would simply respond by accepting or declining. An informal, verbal, ‘let’s get together’? Then sure, I would ask. In advance though, I wouldn’t make any last minute requests or spring people on the host.

Chaotic/the more the merrier may be wonderful for some, but it’s the stuff of nightmares for others.

SIL is right and I feel for her.

I know some families are more the merrier but for other people hosting is stressful and they need to know headcount etc. so they can plan ahead.

If you are a more the merrier host you have absolutely no concept of how stressful, distressing and exhausting it can be to have extra people sprung on you or timetables changed.

The issues are communication and knowing your family members.

Be honest have you ever just accepted an invitation and stuck to it?

I would assume my husband/kids were invited to a family event, but I’d ask if it was a meet up with friends. Husband and kids are the only people I’d query about an invite. Maybe I’m incredibly uptight but I’d never ask if I could bring random people along. It wouldn’t even occur to me, I’d just decline because I’m already busy.

Asking in advance if random people can come along is mildly annoying. Calling on the day is very rude to me.

The example with the stepchild is also rude, I think. It wouldn’t occur to me to go and get him, bring him back and ask for food for him. I’d either have just said we needed to leave at 4, or told my host that we needed to pop out at 4 to get him and have sorted the food out ourselves on the way.

In this specific scenario, this is clearly a family-only affair and it feels inappropriate to have extended partner's family who have nothing to do with the person whose memorial it was. So I wouldn't automatically assume they were invited and, on that basis, I would expect you to check that it's ok if they attend. So your SiL is both right and wrong. No, you shouldn't be bringing people without asking but you also shouldn't be declining an invitation because you feel as though you can't ask.
Your eldest son is part of the same family attending a memorial for his relative. Of course, I would assume he is invited and accounted for when planning a meal. People related to your new partner - not so much. Is there any reason you couldn't leave your partner to entertain his granny and children?

When I was at school in the 80’s a “word processor” was an actual machine that looked like a computer but wasn’t. I suppose it was a sort of computer that only had a “word” type program.

My husbands family are always chopping and changing who they bring, often with no communication about it. It’s quite hard for me to deal with, because we can invite his sister and she’ll say “oh I’ll see if mum and my sister can come” - so you think you’ve invited two people and it turns into four. Fine in theory, but then it’s two days before they’re due and we don’t actually know if mum and sister can come. So we have to send a chasing message. We’re doing a big weekly food shop and we don’t know how many to cater for. There are allergies (Epi-pen/hospital/serious). So we shop for the maximum number, but they don’t even tell us who is coming. We have to wait until they arrive to see who turns up. There are actually 8 family members and any of them could turn up without prior comms (some are rarely seen so probably won’t turn up, but could). They also turn up whatever time they want, regardless of whether you give them an arrival time or make a meal which goes cold. Once, a sister asked if she could visit to see my new baby (I also had a 4yo). I said yes, come on Saturday morning. On friday night she messaged to say she would come after lunch as she had plans in the morning. Ok, fine. On Saturday morning she messaged to say her plans were finishing at 2pm so she’d be with us at 3pm. She actually turned up at 4.30pm, just in time for me to juggle feeding two guests, a tired 4yo, while breastfeeding a newborn. Oh and they turned up with their NEW PUPPY IN A CAGE, that I didn’t know about. (Before anyone asks about the husband, he was deployed).

It doesn't sound like the sort of more the merrier occasion where extra people are really not going to be a problem and unless there was already a buffet with ample food out, asking for the sandwich was off.

However, SIL was hurtful, even accounting for catering stress and not expecting to be overheard. Depends how much family peace means, but maybe address with her calmly and privately when things have settled.

Team chaotic family here! SiL sounds controlling, presumably that's why she sends named invitations.

We quite often host as we have the most space (that's not a brag 🙄) and I like hosting. It's usually an informal WhatsApp group invitation or a text and I wouldn't be at all offended by others asking if Granny or a step child could come (in fact I'd get the age appropriate toys out to make them feel welcome). I'd be really disappointed if someone didn't feel that they could talk to me about an invite.

I don't usually know exactly whose coming and as PP said we always overcook and leftovers go into the freezer. DH found it a bit odd to get used to, it's like herding cats though so it's easier to just go with the flow!

I have a relative by marriage who would be horrified if someone dropped in for coffee without a formal invitation.

We're all different i suppose and I guess the skill is judging how we interact with each other. SIL sounds like hard work though and I'd probably avoid.

My brother has sent an email asking if "we" would like to meet up. I have replied saying that DH and I would like to meet and some suggestions of dates and places (central meetup in a country park or similar so we'll have a coffee and a walk and no one is hosting per se). That makes it clear that DH and I are coming, and our DC are not. I don't know if my brother's daughter will come, but she is welcome or not either way and it makes no odds to anyone.

If we got sent an invitation with specific names in I would assume that only the named people were invited, and I would ring up and check it was ok to bring extra people if thye particularly wanted to come. Particulrly if someone was actually providing food/drink where they would have catered for a certain number.

In the example where you and your DP have arranged to see his daughter, then I don’t think you should be arranging to do something else and expecting her to tag along. Once you make an arrangement it should generally stand, you should not ditch people for a better offer.

So it sounds like she specifically invites the ones she can be arsed with (to be clear I’m basing my entire view on the overheard conversation, which was completely out of order in any public setting).

if you still like her now you know what she’s up to, and she’s invited you; go. On your own unless the invitation says otherwise. If you think she’s a rude, entitled, childish CF in the light of the overheard conversation, decline. Either way, don’t expose anyone to her behaviour who hasn’t received an invitation, more for their sake than hers!

@demesneDame Yabu. Sil is not your sister so she doesn't feel comfortable saying no. You don't bring people who are not invited. You do not ask if people not invited can have a sandwich after the meal. You don't call just before leaving asking what to bring- you ask that when you confirm invitation.

You are imposing your "relaxed" ways on your Sil which is rude.

Team SIL

The extra people and additional food requests would send my in-laws into a spiral. The table is laid the day before, the food portions worried about for days. They would NOT be able to accommodate changes and would be outraged at people turning up later expecting further food.

I know this and know that if we go, there is no flexibility. I couldn’t do what you did.

I am a laid back, over-cooking happy to see you person. Extra food goes to lunches, we find seats from the garage and squeeze people in.