Do you just accept or decline invitations from family or do you ask if you can bring someone or have a conversation about occasion?

When did you ask if you could bring anything to help out? The correct time to do this is when you receive the invitation or very soon after.

I’ve been to events which on the surface of it were big, the more the merrier type. However the hostess had prepared a lovely bag for each DC with colouring snacks and age appropriate toys. Had an extra arrived, she wouldn’t have been prepared. Similarly where a small gift has been given to each child, so they weren’t upset by the huge pile of gifts for their child.

It’s not something I’d ever thought to do but it was lovely. Sometimes people are detail oriented and don’t want to change their envisioned event to suit your situation with extra people.

And if she always says no, why do you keep asking? That’s really irritating. You know she says no. Why keep pushing?

I'm somewhere in between. I can't imagine printed invitations to family unless a wedding, christening or formal event and it sounds like they have a very unwelcoming attitude, eg to step children, but that is their choice.

I wouldn't ever ask if I could bring someone else, but neither would I 'just decline'. For close family I would explain, sorry we have X staying with us then. Then they have the option to open the invitation to the extra, or just accept the decline. Much less awkward than asking.

The d of e thing sounds mean, and I'm sure I'd welcome him, but if you'd said he wasn't coming, it is weird for him then to turn up expecting food.

So it's a bit of both I think. I find having guests quite stressful and am not the sort if person who can always rustle up an extra meal etc, so I wouldn't like extra guests on the whole. But their attitude seems too extreme.

And if really don't get the problem with you asking if you can contribute something - isn't that polite? Although I'd text not bother them with a call on the day.

However, none of it justifies how rudely she was speaking about you to other family members, and it must have been very upsetting for your mum. I would lower how much time I spend with them i think, you clearly aren't really welcome!

Now that you know all this, it’s very clear that in the future you simply accept or decline their invitations. Hopefully, they won’t get offended if you decline.

If they bother to print invites with names, then obviously the people on the invites are the ones invited, not anybody else. It can’t get any clearer than that.

All this cannot be over one sandwich.

It’s the other late changes surely, and the frequency?

It’s rude and disrespectful to call on the day of an event and ask to bring more people.

This was an event in a hired venue and presumably the food all had to be prepared and bought in by either family or a caterer. In those circumstances it is very rude behaviour to mess the host around by asking for any extra people to be included or to turn up with an extra child who needs food. Why couldn’t you all have left together after lunch to collect your DS and feed him at home?

A memorial is not typically a “the more the merrier” situation.

asking what you can bring should not be done in the day of the event. That is just rude in any scenario. The host is busy, plan ahead.

Word processor / computer program / application are all the same thing and people know it. People have being using “Word” for almost the entirely of the home computer revolution. The phrases surrounding it changing are all a bit silly.

Okay, having read your update, the refusers are batshit.

In my previous post I was focusing on the type of event and the extra guests being last minute. But there's way more background to this. I don't cope well with last minute changes when I'm hosting* but that's not the situation here.

• I do recognise that that's a 'me' thing due to catering stress though. I'd be perfectly hospitable and pleasant to the unexpected guest.

Yay but then would you

• refuse to feed an 8yo child?
• still hold a grudge that you never invite that child ever again - as if it was somehow their fault?

I agree we would mention it (oh dh will have his dd with him that weekend. Or dc1 will finish his DoE and will join us after 1.00pm. Dh will pick him up)
But no one would expect 1- written invitation, 2- named invitation, 3- excluding step children

Two weeks ago we were at a saddish/happyish occasion to remember a deceased elderly member of my dad’s family.

I wouldn't bring anyone who wasn't invited, to this kind of event. If the extra person was a knew the deceased relative well and was immediate family to the invite, a query on receiving the invitation would be okay IMO. But last minute or no notice would be inappropriate.

In the circumstances you describe, we would function like you.
No way I’d say that a step child isn’t invited for example.
Or that it’s an issue to come and pick up another child involved in whatever activity.
The reaction would rather be: ‘oh great we’ll get to see <insert child’s name>’

Same with new partners etc….

Now I get that you might want to plan the number of people re food.
But youll find food fir an 7yo at a buffet.
You will find a sandwich for a hungry teenager.

The way your SIL ‘functions’ sounds bonkers to me,

I would always ask. My family know they can say no and I won't mind.

Re the DS after DofE, I'd probably have offered him a shower alongside a sandwich. In what universe is getting a kid a sandwich an issue?

In my family bringing other people / making extras welcome/ organising food for late comers etc would be absolutely welcome. In my partners family not at all, if they’re honest they’d really prefer every occasion to just be the nuclear family plus grandchildren, and everyone else is made to feel like an annoyance. Then they whine that they don’t get invited anywhere… just different families I guess. Our house / hosting is very much the former and partner prefers it this way too

Hold the phone. One of the family members bought someone extra to a christening without checking? That’s only one step removed from bringing an uninvited guest to a wedding.

Anyone else struggling to understand what child/sibling means in this scenario? Is the OPs Mum’s child, and the OPs sibling? Strange way to put it.

Honestly I think everyone is a bit unreasonable in this.

I can’t imagine a young family member arriving later on during an event I’m hosting and not offering them something, even if it’s just a sandwich. He’ll have been shattered and probably starving coming from DofE.

Equally I can’t imagine replying to that invite and not explaining we’d have to pop out to pick up DS a bit later, and could he possibly have something when he arrives. In no way would that be an issue if I was the host. This is family remember.

Hangers on are are a different kettle of fish. Random new partners and their offspring I would absolutely expect to be asked about anyone who doesn’t normally live with the family being invited.