To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

You didn't respond to the babysitting idea. Is it out of the question?

The other stuff sounds quite typical. Your perception sounds skewed, it can't have been once that they've knocked, you probably aren't aware of what led to her frustration boiling over.

What about all the times you've instructed/ requested her to come downstairs and interact with them against her wishes?

Cleaning up after herself should be your/ her father's focus, as that is not unreasonable.

It sounds like there’s quite an age gap even between her and your oldest, so shopping wouldn’t be much fun whether you call it a girly day or not.

It’s the age gap. You’re trying to force her to interact ‘as a family’ but the reality is that this will always be things that are aimed at the younger children because you can age down but you can’t age up in terms of age appropriate activities. So it’s no wonder she’s not really interested.

I think you see her as an extension of the ex, who you do despise

You don’t like your SD do you?

YABU - he is taking time off for his child not his Ex. You have asked him to take time off when there is childcare available, he is taking time off for his daughter when there isn’t

Then why are you with him?

Your own DH won’t look after his own kids so his wife can work?
You think that’s normal?

You cannot get a different job because your DH and kids dad cannot be bothered to watch his own kids.

Forget out DSD and her mum and focus on your ‘D’H who is a shit dad, shit husband and I’d say controlling and financially abusive if you’re not allowed to work in any other job.

"She doesn’t have to engage but at least not shout & swear at them would be a start. " She is only shouting at them because they are pestering and annoying her, surely you can see that?

I don't condone the swearing, but how is it her fault rather than the adults for not stopping the children?

If you stop trying to force the sibling relationship, hopefully she will start to enjoy their company more.

Have you considered asking if she would babysit, paid, so that you both can work and she spend time with the younger ones? Is she responsible enough that an incentive could kill 2 birds with one stone? (I don't know the ages of the children, but as they are school aged it's not likely to be inappropriate.)

I don’t understand how this is relevant.

You seem to care more about DH looking after his eldest DD - and therefore ‘helping out the ex’, rather than him looking after his youngest DC.

If it was me, the DSC wouldn’t even come into why I was annoyed.

The fact is that your shared DCs have had 6 weeks off and DH won’t take 1 day off to come on a family day out or so you can have a break or focus on your own career.

You need to get a job separate from your DH.
Then he’s going to have to take time off when you’re at work.
It will also make it easier to separate.

Sounds pretty contradictory to me.

How are you providing “childcare” for a teenager, who is quite content staying in her room, until she’s summoned downstairs by you to “interact” with her half siblings?

She’s not obligated to entertain them, it’s supposed to be her home too.

As PP said above, you and your kids see DH every single day. SD’s time with him (or at least time spent in that family home) is rationed out. TBH it’s the least her dad can do for her.

You also really need to stop framing him choosing to spend time with his daughter as him doing a favour for his ex. What a bizarre, convoluted way of thinking.

LTB. Then you’ll know you can’t rely on him, you won’t feel let down, you won’t have to see his older child again and you can forget about his ex.

Your husband sound like shit but I can also see why his older DD wouldn't be exactly thrilled by being forced to play with her much younger half-siblings. Her dad starting another family probably wasn't at the top of her wish list, she only sees her dad 2 weekends a month, her new half-siblings see him every day. You can't force relationships, at least not healthy ones, so just leave her alone when she is staying at her dad's.

Your heading is a bit weird too, your husband isn't doing this for his ex, he is doing this for his DD. He normally barely spends any time with her so this should be encouraged.

Tell them to leave her alone then.

If she’s no trouble being in her room all day then leave her to it.

If her dad has a problem with her stuck in all day then he can deal with it.

He should WANT to take time off to have days out with your kids but I think you are focusing too much on your DCs vs SDD, which isn’t really the issue here.

SDC doesn’t really come into it because even if she didn’t come over, he still wouldn’t take time off work for your DCs.

I’d he annoyed as well.

obviously if he’s looking after sc, he’s able to look after all the children , thus leaving you in peace to work, go to the gym , etc

If she's in her room all day what actual childcare does she need or want.

Years Op. years.

I think it’s time to stop thinking starting threads is action and going to change anything

So she is being rude by reacting to you and the other children pestering her, not actually causing the problem?

Why do you insist she needs to come downstairs to entertain her younger siblings?

I understand things are difficult for you, but you seem to be apportioning blame on the wrong person. She's a typical teenager, wait until yours are older...

I understand where you're coming from but think you are being slightly unreasonable. The situations aren't equal. Your husband is making himself available for a child who otherwise has noone willing to care for her and risks feeling shit and unloved. Your DC have a loving parent available to care for them. It would be great, for them and for you, if he took time off, but the situations aren't equivalent

So he taking time of to look after a child? How is that for the ex wouldn't it be for the child?