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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

86 replies

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 10:55

DH has a SC from a previous relationship a teenager. All summer hols I’ve done the childcare for our 3 young DC & juggled work ect I’ve asked him a couple of times to have the odd day off to come out with us or to have a couple of days off so I can work, all have been met with a no he can’t afford to. He’s Self Employed, our weekend to have SC & she’s announced her moms said she needs to stay till Tuesday. This is a regular occurrence with her not pre asking if we can do extra childcare ect I’ve said no sorry I can’t be the free childcare this time ( first time I’ve ever said no!) & suddenly DH can have two days off too look after her!

I'm feeling pretty upset over it all , our relationship has been tense lately and I feel very much bottom of DH list & this has just topped it off to be honest. But I’m unsure if IABU?

OP posts:
redjeans28 · 30/08/2026 13:41

OP is this your DH's step-child or biological child? Are you saying he won't take time off for his own children but takes time off for someone else's child?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 13:30

ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 13:22

Right so he did have a choice and that's why he chose not to do it because he knew you would.

This time he doesn't have a choice because you won't.

Look, he's a totally selfish git of course, but the reason he's taken the time off now is because he has no-one else to do the childcare (unlike last time when you did it).

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It ment canceling work though & he knew that.

OP posts:
Beepen · 30/08/2026 13:27

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:43

She wouldn’t do babysitting. DH just lets her do / get away with anything.

for everyone saying I hate her that simply isn’t true I’ve been in her life for 10 years & since she was very young . I’ve done everything for her, organised all birthday/ Christmas gifts, thrown birthday parties taken her out before our DC came along hundreds of times without DH & I’ve also provided childcare for exs other children ( not related to DH) so I think I’ve been really reasonable over the years. I don’t hate her but I do dislike her attitude now there is a fair difference.

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Poor kid, so both her parents moved on and had loads more children. I don't blame her for being a fairly typical grumpy teen . In fact I wouldn't blame her if she went entirely off the rails.

Beepen · 30/08/2026 13:25

He's not doing it for his ex, he's doing it for his daughter

And if he's father to 4 children I am not surprised he's putting his work first. That's a lot children he needs to provide for

DysmalRadius · 30/08/2026 13:25

I’ve done everything for her, organised all birthday/ Christmas gifts, thrown birthday parties taken her out before our DC came along hundreds of times without DH

Why wasn't your husband doing any of this stuff? And have you stopped doing all this since having your own kids?

They obviously want to interact with her so I’ll say she needs to come downstairs ect or they knock on her door & she’s just incredibly unkind to them.

Do you really tell her she has to come downstairs and play with the younger children when she wants to stay in her room? Is this when you and your husband are working?

ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 13:22

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 13:19

i had to do the childcare we don’t have family help & childminder was unwell.

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Right so he did have a choice and that's why he chose not to do it because he knew you would.

This time he doesn't have a choice because you won't.

Look, he's a totally selfish git of course, but the reason he's taken the time off now is because he has no-one else to do the childcare (unlike last time when you did it).

Beepen · 30/08/2026 13:20

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:11

I don’t like her behaviour as a teenager no, she used to be lovely but the attitude change of late isn’t pleasant to be around.

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She's just being a teenager . When yours reach that age they will be similar

Beepen · 30/08/2026 13:19

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 11:13

SC won’t come out with us as it’s not what she wants to do. They obviously want to interact with her so I’ll say she needs to come downstairs ect or they knock on her door & she’s just incredibly unkind to them.

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Stop pushing her to interact with the little ones. That's really not fair.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 13:19

ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 13:16

So what happened when you needed childcare and he wouldn't do it?

Who did it?

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i had to do the childcare we don’t have family help & childminder was unwell.

OP posts:
ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 13:16

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 13:10

Because he wouldn’t do the same for me when I needed childcare. He hasn’t spoken to ex about it SD has said she can go back today or Tuesday.

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So what happened when you needed childcare and he wouldn't do it?

Who did it?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 13:10

ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 12:46

All of this is fair enough, BUT how can you then be upset that he's had to take a couple of days off?

He has no choice in the matter from the sound of it.

Just like if he suddenly came down with the flu he'd have no choice either.

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Because he wouldn’t do the same for me when I needed childcare. He hasn’t spoken to ex about it SD has said she can go back today or Tuesday.

OP posts:
professionalcommentreader · 30/08/2026 13:01

It’s sounds like you and your husband don’t particularly like each other and your step daughter, your husbands daughter not step daughter is the scape goat.

ShitFacedShakespeare · 30/08/2026 12:46

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 11:04

I juggle running my business from home & childcare we use a childminder but she’s had some time off over the holidays so it’s always me that has to juggle it.

at her moms she is left on her own she also has older siblings there while her mom works.

she doesn’t need “looking after “ but when I’m here without DH she’s incredibly rude & disrespectful & picks on our younger DC. So this time I’ve said no also our DC go back to school/ childminders on Tuesday.

All of this is fair enough, BUT how can you then be upset that he's had to take a couple of days off?

He has no choice in the matter from the sound of it.

Just like if he suddenly came down with the flu he'd have no choice either.

BalakayAARon · 30/08/2026 12:44

Have you asked her with a real offer of money?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:43

BalakayAARon · 30/08/2026 12:15

You didn't respond to the babysitting idea. Is it out of the question?

The other stuff sounds quite typical. Your perception sounds skewed, it can't have been once that they've knocked, you probably aren't aware of what led to her frustration boiling over.

What about all the times you've instructed/ requested her to come downstairs and interact with them against her wishes?

Cleaning up after herself should be your/ her father's focus, as that is not unreasonable.

She wouldn’t do babysitting. DH just lets her do / get away with anything.

for everyone saying I hate her that simply isn’t true I’ve been in her life for 10 years & since she was very young . I’ve done everything for her, organised all birthday/ Christmas gifts, thrown birthday parties taken her out before our DC came along hundreds of times without DH & I’ve also provided childcare for exs other children ( not related to DH) so I think I’ve been really reasonable over the years. I don’t hate her but I do dislike her attitude now there is a fair difference.

OP posts:
BalakayAARon · 30/08/2026 12:42

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 11:05

She doesn’t emerge from her room till lunchtime / eats & then re disappears till dinner time. He certainly won’t be doing anything with her.

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I'm confused. You say he won't be doing anything with her, but also say he's taken 2 days off for her?

You also say you have to "look after" her, but apart from expecting her to interact with your children, what are you doing for her that you consider "childcare"? She doesn't even eat with you unless her dad is there, so you won't be providing "childcare" on those occasions either?

What led to you refusing to provide "free childcare" for her, when there doesn't seem to be any involved, especially now you've given up?

I think you are displacing your anger on her rather than facing the real issue, which is your husband.

I wish you well, just feel really bad for the 3 children stuck in the middle.

Boreded · 30/08/2026 12:41

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:02

He wouldn’t take time off so I could work when childminder was unwell. Ex also isn’t working BH.

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I just think you are focussing on the wrong thing. He might be a waste of time, I have no idea, but this isn’t a problem with ex or step daughter, and it feels like that’s where your stall has been set

BillyBites · 30/08/2026 12:40

@FarmwifefarmlifeCan you clarify if this is your dh’s step daughter or his actual daughter. Your OP stated “his SC.”

Boreded · 30/08/2026 12:39

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:11

I don’t like her behaviour as a teenager no, she used to be lovely but the attitude change of late isn’t pleasant to be around.

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That’s the vast majority of teens. I want to make my 18 year old sleep outside some days…the rest of the time he is one of the very best people I know.

superchick · 30/08/2026 12:37

This is not him doing a favour for the ex and its not SDs fault that he's not interested in you or your DC. You are focusing on the wrong thing. DH is spending one extra day with his older daughter, that he doesn't see as often. His lack of interest in you and your DC is a problem but don't take it out on the ex or her daughter.

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2026 12:23

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 11:27

thank you for your support, I think sometimes when it’s been tense for sometime it can be hard to judge if your being unreasonable over a certain situation.

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I think you need to re read what you have written here and think about the wider context and implications of what you are saying.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2026 12:19

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:11

I don’t like her behaviour as a teenager no, she used to be lovely but the attitude change of late isn’t pleasant to be around.

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I don't think that I'd be the nicest company if I had to go to somebody who dislikes me, has annoying little children, won't let me hide in my room when I know I'm not welcome and where their relationship is in terminal decline, really.

You're not refusing to provide 'free childcare' if she stays in her room and won't eat with you, you're saying you don't like her and don't want her around.

ebfwtf · 30/08/2026 12:19

DH doesn’t have a SD, he has a daughter. You have a SD who you don’t sound to like much. This sounds like a one off situation and maybe he’s hoping some 1:1 time might help with eg her attitude, making her feel more part of the family etc?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/08/2026 12:18

Gurgletummy · 30/08/2026 12:14

I think you see her as an extension of the ex, who you do despise

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I Have had no issue with the ex for the last 10 years apart from this year where there is no communication about us having SD extra time & when we both work it’s difficult.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 30/08/2026 12:16

On the days he's home if go out without the DC leaving him looking after all of his DC. He should prioritise having some fun time with all his DC and you. I'd be livid if my DH never wanted to go out with me.