To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

I mean, he probably should have stopped at one. He isn't interested in the three that you have with him, his oldest isn't interested in the three you have. He should have stopped at the one he had and made her his priority.

For me, the issue seems a lot bigger than whether he has taken leave for the bank holiday. It seems to be merging into how you feel about the step daughter and that doesn’t seem fair on her. If it’s coming across in your interactions with her, even subconsciously then that will have a negative impact on all your relationships within the house.

Years ago, I was a step mum to a pair of teenagers (my son was a toddler - early primary school) and it was really hard. When I reflect back on what I expected years ago, now I have my own 18 year old, I realise I was expecting far too much. Teenagers are all unique, but they are going through huge changes in their brains, biologies etc etc.

Your DH needs to understand that this is a hard thing for you to navigate with your step daughter - he also needs to realise that he needs to step up. Equally, you need to understand that you're coming at this from a position where you (understandably) have no experience - it's a learning curve. You won't get everything right; nor will anyone else, but flexibility is important or you will all be miserable.

This is a good opportunity for you to learn how to parent teenagers. Many of us will tell you how challenging they are at this age - you have all of this to look forward to with your own!!

He was fucking not child free in his thirties he had a child that should have been his priority.
He didn’t need to seed the planet, and you should’ve spotted this looser at 20 paces when he was only minimally involved.

I think everyone here has said it is typical teenage behaviour, yet despite not having raised one yourself, you think you are an expert to say she is unusual?

I have 2 teens currently, plus an early 20's. I'm feeling more sorry for her than before. You are blinkered and being incredibly unreasonable towards her. No wonder she has resorted to swearing, she is unheard and being treated badly.

Leave her alone; she doesn't need your niggling and interference. Your children and you are being pests, to put it mildly.

I’m curious about her actual age because she sounds like a typical 13-15 year old. The isolation and general grumpiness is normal. They grow out of it.

It is natural. If you don’t hate your family a bit, you won’t be able to separate, move to another social group, and select a mate that provides genetic diversity.

Once you start thinking about your 13 year olds mood this way, it becomes so much easier to accept. Then by the time they are an older teen it calms down. I’m told I should expect a resurgence right before she leaves for university.

As for your husband, I really don’t see why he needs to stay home for a teenager without special needs. It is her home and she should be able to come and go as long as you aren’t out of town.

You do have a larger issue of him not doing his fair share of parenting, but it has nothing to do with his other child or his ex. You have accepted a 50/50 financial arrangement when he doesn’t do 50/50 split of the parenting. That is where your focus should be. Leave his other child out of the discussion.

Well, yes, I think at least one of her parents should have made sure she was their priority. He wouldnt have had to "remain child free", he had a child.

But as this is the situation now, the least all the adults can do is meet her with empathy and understanding and not expect her to be delighted at the presence of endless half siblings

Firstly I would say most teens are exactly like this at lead time of the time

Secondly most teens don't have to deal with their parents separating and both moving on to churn out loads of new children with their new partners. So she deserves a lot of extra understanding and forgiveness. My children are epic but I am pretty sure it i decided to pop out multiple additional children with a new partner and their dad did the same they would feel that life was pretty unfair and act accordingly

Your husband is the issue here, not your dsd.

How much does he contribute to caring for the 3 children you have together?

@Farmwifefarmlife your own children are still young, she sounds like a normal teen.
Maybe take time to read up on adolescence and the teen years? They generally turn around closer to 25, so you have a few more moody years ahead.

Your OP was about you being cheesed off with your DH not doing more with you and your kids but you seem to have moved on to complain about your teenage SD not behaving the way you want her to. What is it you are actually looking for? And do you think you need to tell DH, rather than us?

Very different to living with one 🤣 Plenty of parents "know" my teenager. Can't imagine them putting a foot wrong or ever speaking back but trust, they knows very well how to push buttons and be a sneaky little shit. They'd be in bed every day til after lunch if I left them to it as well

Teenagers don't need childcare. And she doesn't get up until lunch and then disappears after eating? Somewhat contradicts your post when you call her a bully, sounds like she's not that present and you just don't want her there. I

I can't see how to can deny her being there when it's her home too?

Sounds like you have a problem with your partner not getting involved in family life. Do not take that resentment out on a teenager

how many teenagers have lived in your house? They are different out in the ‘wild’ than they are at home, so you can’t really judge based on teenagers who have not lived in your house.

Welcome to life with a teenager, I’m afraid.

You might enjoy the book by Sarah Jayne Blakemore: ‘Inventing Yourself, Secrets of an Adolescent Brain’ (audiobook is very accessible too).

I’m sorry your DH doesn’t recognise that he should be taking time off to spend with you and the younger children. Is it worth a chat with him more broadly?

I’ve read all your responses, yes your husband doesn’t help enough. Glad he’s taking time off with his daughter now (even if she doesn’t engage).
Doesn’t erase the fact you got together with a man who had a child.

YABU you’re an adult and she’s his child.

You get together with a man who has a child then want that child to simply?? Disappear?
Then knowing full well he’s NOT a hands on involved parent have children with him.
Shame on you for thinking he’d change.

If my 15 year old DD needed looking after(special needs aside), I'd feel I'd failed.

Well if the child's mother won't look after her, and you also won't look after her, he doesn't have a lot of choice but to take the time off, does he? He'd probably prefer not to but he has to!

I really don't see how your stepdaughter is the issue here. She doesn't sound like she is of an age where she needs childcare so if your H feels obliged to take time off while she is there, I can only assume that it's because he feels that he needs to referee between you and DSD and/or protect her from being hassled by her younger siblings etc?

The real issue seems to be that he isn't pulling his weight with regard to the care of your shared children. What's the set up between you? Do you both contribute equally financially or have you taken on the role of primary carer while he has become the primary breadwinner or what?