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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

136 replies

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 16:28

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

  • Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'
OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 29/08/2026 17:31

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 16:55

The pregnancy was unplanned and she got pregnant 2 months into their relationship. They don’t live together yet and she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with him seeing her give birth. I can understand that but I don’t want to be there either.

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Does she have a mother that she could ask?

ETA I've just seen OP's post confirming that her step-sister's mum has died.

stopbeingnasty · 29/08/2026 17:31

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 29/08/2026 17:28

I was just about to comment that too!

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I have no idea😂 I saw 'kookyscroller' on several other posts with their comments deleted too. Maybe they're leaving kooky comments lol

Bezerk · 29/08/2026 17:30

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:25

Really? I see it as a really personal experience that I wouldn’t want to share with someone I wasn’t close to, whether I was the person giving birth or the birth partner.

Her mum died and she doesn’t have a sister but we are just not very close. I don’t hate her.

Edited
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It’s a far more personal, terrifying, intimate experience for her than you, and her other option is doing it alone. Can’t you suck up your mild discomfort for her, in what will probably be the most emotional and scary experience of her life?

stopbeingnasty · 29/08/2026 17:29

I mean I can fully understand your discomfort but like a previous poster said, imagine how she feels. At least one familiar face would make the whole experience a lot better for her. I imagine she's already uncomfortable/embarrassed with the circumstances. If I were you I'd bite the bullet and just be there for her. She obviously has no other options but you. She must trust you!

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 29/08/2026 17:28

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:26

Why are there so many deleted posts?

I was just about to comment that too!

Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:26

Why are there so many deleted posts?

OP posts:
Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:25

Bezerk · 29/08/2026 17:22

Unless you really hate her, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t. Presumably she doesn’t have a mother or sister she’s close to. I feel sorry for her.

Really? I see it as a really personal experience that I wouldn’t want to share with someone I wasn’t close to, whether I was the person giving birth or the birth partner.

Her mum died and she doesn’t have a sister but we are just not very close. I don’t hate her.

OP posts:
Bezerk · 29/08/2026 17:22

Unless you really hate her, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t. Presumably she doesn’t have a mother or sister she’s close to. I feel sorry for her.

Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:22

PinkWaffleMaker · 29/08/2026 17:09

Is your holiday the only reason why you don’t want to?

I think YABU, it doesn’t sound like she really has anyone else and you’ve been with people when they give birth a few times and you’ve done it before yourself.

You can have a holiday another time, she probably won’t give birth many more times.

Doulas cost close to £1,000 depending on where you are in the country. More than most people can spare.

The main reason is I just don’t have a close relationship with her. I was very anxious being there for my sister as my own births were very difficult, but I said yes to my sister as we are close.

We can’t go anytime as we have children at school. A friend reminded me that they might not want to come on many more holidays with us which is true.

OP posts:
Whynotecinusername · 29/08/2026 17:15

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Whynotecinusername · 29/08/2026 17:15

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Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:14

Peonies12 · 29/08/2026 16:58

Also from a practical perspective who would have your children whilst you were there; or what would you do about work? If first baby, labour could be days!

Our children are 15 and 17 so don’t much need looking after. My husband will be home though.

OP posts:
ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 29/08/2026 17:11

thisismeithinkorisit · 29/08/2026 16:38

it's entirely your right to decide she isn't family enough for you to put yourself out, and that you'd rather go on holiday. it doesn't matter whether other people think you're being unreasonable or unkind

Ooo ouch! Are you “other people” @thisismeithinkorisit ?

PinkWaffleMaker · 29/08/2026 17:09

Is your holiday the only reason why you don’t want to?

I think YABU, it doesn’t sound like she really has anyone else and you’ve been with people when they give birth a few times and you’ve done it before yourself.

You can have a holiday another time, she probably won’t give birth many more times.

Doulas cost close to £1,000 depending on where you are in the country. More than most people can spare.

Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:08

When I told her I was thinking of going away for half term, she still wanted me to commit to being her birth partner if it happened before or after that and if we decided not to go away.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2026 17:03

I would say no. I would say it’s because I was planning to be away at half term so can’t guarantee to be there for her, so she’s better off asking someone who can definitely be around.

nomas · 29/08/2026 16:59

Just say you are going on holiday om her due date so don’t want to risk her being partner-less. Don’t tell her it’s not booked or paid for yet.

But if you do want to do it, I don't think it will be that bad. I was a birthing partner for a cousin who annoys me, but the experience was fine and it was lovely to see the baby being born.

Peonies12 · 29/08/2026 16:58

Also from a practical perspective who would have your children whilst you were there; or what would you do about work? If first baby, labour could be days!

Peonies12 · 29/08/2026 16:57

Yoy should absolutely be honest with her. If you don’t want to be there and do it out of some sense of duty; it’ll be very obvious. Much better to be honest

Whynotecinusername · 29/08/2026 16:57

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Original poster
WayAhead · 29/08/2026 16:55

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/08/2026 16:46

I don’t understand how she is comfortable with this when she doesn’t even want her partner there. It’s an extremely vulnerable time. It is probably the hormones, maybe she’s trying to build up family around her, she’s most likely envious of the bond that you share with your sister and wanted a piece.

I would do it for someone if was an unexpected emergency labour, a single mother or they were someone that I was very close too. She isn’t any of those people.

Sad for her all the same.

The pregnancy was unplanned and she got pregnant 2 months into their relationship. They don’t live together yet and she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with him seeing her give birth. I can understand that but I don’t want to be there either.

OP posts:
AmnesiacsDream · 29/08/2026 16:52

I think the only way to say no without likely hurting her is to have another significant commitment, like the going on holiday.

Whynotecinusername · 29/08/2026 16:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SquigglePigs · 29/08/2026 16:51

Honestly I'd say yes in your shoes. It might not be ideal but imagine how it feels for her if you're the only person she can ask. It might be the making of your relationship.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/08/2026 16:46

I don’t understand how she is comfortable with this when she doesn’t even want her partner there. It’s an extremely vulnerable time. It is probably the hormones, maybe she’s trying to build up family around her, she’s most likely envious of the bond that you share with your sister and wanted a piece.

I would do it for someone if was an unexpected emergency labour, a single mother or they were someone that I was very close too. She isn’t any of those people.

Sad for her all the same.

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