Page 3 | AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

WayAhead · 2026-08-29T15:28:12+00:00

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister. I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago. My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth. She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans. She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner. * Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

MNLurker1345 · 29/08/2026 23:28

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 23:17

I would not tell her about my births as we are not close enough to talk like that and also I’m not one of those women who wants to tell pregnant women their horror birth stories.

I don’t understand how you were being delicate by saying the moment the baby comes out is miraculous. It did feel like you were trying to sell the idea of being with her during her birth. It’s very often not miraculous as you know of it’s your job. It took me years to be able to even watch a birth scene in a film after I had my own children.

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Me too, I still can’t. I burnt out, I do not work in the NHS anymore. I have a phrase that sums up my experience, which I wouldn’t even use
on MN, so believe me, I was being delicate.

I was not trying to sell anything. Healthy child birth is miraculous. Sadly and sometimes tragically it is not always.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/08/2026 23:28

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 22:54

That’s a good idea thank you. I will be vague and say I would find it too emotional due to my own experiences (as that covers many things) and also that with possibly going away, I’m not the best person.

I’ve only met her partner once and he seemed like an idiot. His reasons are very immature but my step sister thinks it’s valid. She not the most mature person either. I really can’t see their relationship lasting through the sleepless newborn stage, never mind longer. Poor kid. 😞

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Could I add: make sure you do go away; call her to wish her well before you go and send flowers after she has the baby and a nice gift. 🙂

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/08/2026 23:21

Aiming4Optimistic · 29/08/2026 22:40

Yeah, you're not the right person. She deserves to have someone who cares about her and that's clearly not you.
I can't imagine how anxious she must be feeling, to ask you, but not your problem right?

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OP's stepsister made the decision to continue with a pregnancy in a new relationship.

OP's stepsister has decided that she doesn't want her boyfriend at the birth.

No, it isn't OP's problem. It really isn't.

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 23:17

MNLurker1345 · 29/08/2026 23:03

There you go, says it all. It is not for you and rightly you must say no. No guilt.

Your step sister, does not need to know your trauma. As I said her asking you is most probably not personal. It is most probably down to the fact that she feels she needs to have a birth partner rather than going it alone.

I have attended also many C section births that have not gone well, was just trying to be delicate. My DSis ended up in ICU and has PTSD as a result, 12 years on.

I would not tell her about my births as we are not close enough to talk like that and also I’m not one of those women who wants to tell pregnant women their horror birth stories.

I don’t understand how you were being delicate by saying the moment the baby comes out is miraculous. It did feel like you were trying to sell the idea of being with her during her birth. It’s very often not miraculous as you know of it’s your job. It took me years to be able to even watch a birth scene in a film after I had my own children.

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Pinkissmart · 29/08/2026 23:05

SquigglePigs · 29/08/2026 16:51

Honestly I'd say yes in your shoes. It might not be ideal but imagine how it feels for her if you're the only person she can ask. It might be the making of your relationship.

I agree with this.
However, if you really don’t want to, then I would tell her you already booked to be away

BinNightTonight · 29/08/2026 23:04

At first I was thinking aww but she has nobody else, until I read that you last saw her on NYE and her reasons for not having her boyfriend there are very daft.

I would love to be someones birth partner (my own was traumatic, but in a weird way I'd like to experience it from a different point of view) but someone I am close to. Its a deeply intimate, personal moment.

A doula may be a good idea, or her and her boyfriend just growing up may be cheaper...

MNLurker1345 · 29/08/2026 23:03

There you go, says it all. It is not for you and rightly you must say no. No guilt.

Your step sister, does not need to know your trauma. As I said her asking you is most probably not personal. It is most probably down to the fact that she feels she needs to have a birth partner rather than going it alone.

I have attended also many C section births that have not gone well, was just trying to be delicate. My DSis ended up in ICU and has PTSD as a result, 12 years on.

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 22:54

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/08/2026 22:34

I'd say that I've done it twice and just can't face doing it again emotionally.
I'd also say her partner needs to step up to support her and the reasons given for him not being present are extremely unsupportive and immature.

That’s a good idea thank you. I will be vague and say I would find it too emotional due to my own experiences (as that covers many things) and also that with possibly going away, I’m not the best person.

I’ve only met her partner once and he seemed like an idiot. His reasons are very immature but my step sister thinks it’s valid. She not the most mature person either. I really can’t see their relationship lasting through the sleepless newborn stage, never mind longer. Poor kid. 😞

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MilkBreadToiletroll · 29/08/2026 22:50

I don't think you need to see it as a burden. Its a request you can say no to, giving her plenty of time to think of alternatives. It sounds like you're not an ideal choice due to previous experiences, so you can bow out gracefully.

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 22:43

Aiming4Optimistic · 29/08/2026 22:40

Yeah, you're not the right person. She deserves to have someone who cares about her and that's clearly not you.
I can't imagine how anxious she must be feeling, to ask you, but not your problem right?

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No, it’s not. Thanks for your understanding. 🙄

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Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 22:42

MNLurker1345 · 29/08/2026 22:26

@WayAhead I have attended many C section births during my time working in the NHS, I have given birth, once, I have been been birth partner to my DGD15, along with her DF.

It is a huge experience!

Your DSSis, has put a huge burden on you by asking this of you. You are not close, she knows this also, but under the circumstances she just wants someone there that is a strong, stable person and she has identified that in you. It isn’t actually personal believe it or not. Her circumstances don’t sound great, this has more bearing. She doesn’t feel she should be alone. Although there is nothing wrong with being alone. I actually chose to be alone, until I heard my DGM calling my name when she got wind that I had quietly taken myself off to the hospital alone. Times have changed.

As I said, I have attended many C section’s, under anaesthetic or epidural. I was
never close to those mothers, sometimes on their own, sometimes with DHs/DPs/BPs. But when that baby is delivered, it is a miraculous moment.

But saying all of that, if you really do not want to do it, you should absolutely not do it and not feel guilted in to doing it. Just say, kindly, I can’t do it.

That is not a job I would ever choose. The moment a baby being delivered isn’t always a miraculous moment so with respect, that’s bollocks. 😬 It was just the start of even more stress in my own births and one of my sisters. Poorly mums and in my own case a poorly baby and me rushed for surgery. Nothing miraculous I’m afraid. Going through that for someone I’m not close to isn’t something I’m going to do due to it bringing up past trauma for me. I’m glad I did it for my sister but it’s not something I can do for my step sister as we are just not close enough.

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Aiming4Optimistic · 29/08/2026 22:40

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 21:40

She may be family but not all family are close. I am not really looking to strengthen my relationship with her and the idea that I must support her because I’m a woman who has given birth quite annoying. As we are not close, I don’t think I would be the best support person to advocate for her anyway.

Yeah, you're not the right person. She deserves to have someone who cares about her and that's clearly not you.
I can't imagine how anxious she must be feeling, to ask you, but not your problem right?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/08/2026 22:34

I'd say that I've done it twice and just can't face doing it again emotionally.
I'd also say her partner needs to step up to support her and the reasons given for him not being present are extremely unsupportive and immature.

tripleginandtonic · 29/08/2026 22:33

I'd do it.

MNLurker1345 · 29/08/2026 22:26

@WayAhead I have attended many C section births during my time working in the NHS, I have given birth, once, I have been been birth partner to my DGD15, along with her DF.

It is a huge experience!

Your DSSis, has put a huge burden on you by asking this of you. You are not close, she knows this also, but under the circumstances she just wants someone there that is a strong, stable person and she has identified that in you. It isn’t actually personal believe it or not. Her circumstances don’t sound great, this has more bearing. She doesn’t feel she should be alone. Although there is nothing wrong with being alone. I actually chose to be alone, until I heard my DGM calling my name when she got wind that I had quietly taken myself off to the hospital alone. Times have changed.

As I said, I have attended many C section’s, under anaesthetic or epidural. I was
never close to those mothers, sometimes on their own, sometimes with DHs/DPs/BPs. But when that baby is delivered, it is a miraculous moment.

But saying all of that, if you really do not want to do it, you should absolutely not do it and not feel guilted in to doing it. Just say, kindly, I can’t do it.

Bushmillsbabe · 29/08/2026 22:19

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:39

Thanks for dismissing my feelings as mild discomfort. 🤔

I would feel extremely uncomfortable because we are not close. My own births also add to my discomfort. I was there for my sister because I love her and I’m close to her, but have said I was very anxious.

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I am the same OP. I had 2 traumatic births, and I definitely would find it hard to be in a birthing room again, but more than that, I think I might project my anxiety and my experience onto the woman giving birth which wouldn't be helpful for her. If you don't feel like you are the right person then you are well within your rights to say no. She needs someone who is 'all in' to be with her, and it's OK to say that's not you, with no guilt.

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 22:11

SALaw · 29/08/2026 22:02

She knows it’s a personal experience. That’s why she doesn’t want the relatively new partner there (you said), plus she presumably has some clue what child birth is like. So you’re basically telling her you don’t feel close to her when she clearly does to you.

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She knows we are not close and it will be awkward. It’s not to do with her wanting to share this with me, it’s just that she doesn’t seem to have anyone else. She can’t possibly feel close to me. We hardly see each other. We last saw each other on New Years Eve. We haven’t had the best relationship in the past and we’ve never had a deep conversation but we are civil as my mum married her dad. She is using me for convenience because I’m a woman who has given birth. She doesn’t want the new bloke there as they are both scared he’ll ’go off her’ if he sees her like that. I find it hard to deal with that level of twattiness.

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SouthLondonMum22 · 29/08/2026 22:06

SALaw · 29/08/2026 22:02

She knows it’s a personal experience. That’s why she doesn’t want the relatively new partner there (you said), plus she presumably has some clue what child birth is like. So you’re basically telling her you don’t feel close to her when she clearly does to you.

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Having sex is a personal experience too though. It's her choice not to have her partner there but that doesn't mean it is OP's responsibility to take her partners place when she very clearly doesn't feel comfortable with it.

SALaw · 29/08/2026 22:02

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 18:11

I’ve never told my sister how anxious I was about being her birth partner so I can’t really tell my step sister that as it’ll get back to my sister and she’ll feel awful for asking me.

I’m just going to say that it’s a very personal experience, that I would feel uncomfortable and with us probably being away for half term, I think it’s best she finds someone else. I will mention doulas and see if that could be an option for her.

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She knows it’s a personal experience. That’s why she doesn’t want the relatively new partner there (you said), plus she presumably has some clue what child birth is like. So you’re basically telling her you don’t feel close to her when she clearly does to you.

SALaw · 29/08/2026 22:00

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 17:25

Really? I see it as a really personal experience that I wouldn’t want to share with someone I wasn’t close to, whether I was the person giving birth or the birth partner.

Her mum died and she doesn’t have a sister but we are just not very close. I don’t hate her.

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But she clearly does want to share it with you so that is a non point?

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 21:58

Shedsqueek · 29/08/2026 21:46

If you are going away then you cant but other than that I think to say no is horrible of you. You should be honoured to have been asked.

Horrible because I’m not close enough and class this as too much of a personal experience? We are not close, partly because she has never made an effort to be, so is she ‘horrible’ for that?

When my sister asked me, I’d did feel honoured because she asked me because our our close relationship. It’s not the case with my step sister so I don’t feel honoured. She needs someone and I’m better than no one.

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estrogone · 29/08/2026 21:54

Yanbu. Just a kindly worded I am honoured you would ask but I dont feel comfortable.

She should understand- if her own husband doesn't feel comfortable why should you?

Shedsqueek · 29/08/2026 21:46

If you are going away then you cant but other than that I think to say no is horrible of you. You should be honoured to have been asked.

Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 21:42

Pistachiocake · 29/08/2026 21:26

No, it's not fair to say yes if you feel unsure. I've been a birth partner and it's harder than giving birth yourself IMO! There are obviously some issues if she doesn't want her partner there, and you don't want them blaming you for anything that might happen.
And it's better to say now so she has lots of time to plan-be honest, your own family are planning to be away.

I agree, I found it really hard with my sister. I remember saying to my partner after that I hadn’t realised how hard it must have been for him to watch me going through it, trying to do what he could but feeling helpless really.

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Original poster

WayAhead · 29/08/2026 21:40

She may be family but not all family are close. I am not really looking to strengthen my relationship with her and the idea that I must support her because I’m a woman who has given birth quite annoying. As we are not close, I don’t think I would be the best support person to advocate for her anyway.

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