AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

It’s not a competition. Love for a life partner is completely different to parental love in so many ways. It’s madness to say you should love DSD ‘more’ - you love each of them in different ways.

If you want to stay with him, you need to shut this ridiculous and needless conversation down.

I’d be sitting down with him and clearly asking what his list of priorities is. Presumably daughter, you, friends, work or something like that.

He’s ticking the daughter and the friends box, but not the you box. That’s likely not in line with his stated priorities.

Also ask if you broke up or he died, what does he expect the relationship between you and DSD to be at that time? Would she be coming to you every third weekend? Will he share his time with you? (Obviously not).

Ask when you’re supposed to be intimate if all your time together is with a child.

If he then doesn’t realise that he’s stance is illogical and that he needs to put some effort into your relationship, I’d be considering whether you want to continue or not…

Of course you can love a child you are not related to. It's very easy and common.
But this is not about how much or little OP loves this little girl, you can't measure love anyway.
It's about her husband not making time for her even when the little girl is not staying with them .

Bullshit. OP doesn’t owe this child anything if the father is being a prick. My kids loved my ex partner. We split up and they didn’t see him again, hey ho, they were just happy to have me back to themselves tbh!

Agree.

Just moved in together?
Just move out as quickly as you can.
You won't always be "totally fine" coming second because it's obviously bugging you already. It'd bug most women tbf.

This. Stop doing this spend your weekends with your friends and dump him.

He doesn’t feel the same way you do, I’m sorry. You love him a million times more than you love his daughter. He expects you to love HER more than him, so in his mind the love of a partner is less important.

My ex was like this over his kids, expected me to be as mesmerised by them (well, one of them) as he was, despite me having my own DCs. On the weekends I didn’t have my DCs with me he’d still want to bring his over to my house and then he’d go and nap while I was left to entertain them. If I objected I was called a child hater and told how important it was for me to build a relationship with them. He was actually just a lazy fuck.

Please don’t waste your child bearing years with this user, find someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you as a person, not as backup childcare for his little princess.

Upshot is you are nos3, daughter 1st, friends 2nd and you 3rd...perhaps 4th if he has a hobby.

You are entitled to more...I wonder why his first relationship broke up?? ,perhaps he didn't spend enough time on his relationship..has he not learnt

Did you buy with him or do you have an quick and cheap exit route?

It's a very strange argument really.
Of course his child come first to him and to her mother. But he doesn't sound like a very nice person and he doesn't sound particularly committed to you, are you sure he doesn't just want you as an additional mother to his child?
You sound like a very loving stepmother but she has her own mother.

You're childcare and then when he doesn't need you he doesn't want you he wants his friends

Your issue is nothing to do with your love for your stepdaughter though is it? Its the time outside of being a parent that is the issue. You DSD is a complete red herring

Even if you loved her more than anything else in the world that doesnt mean you dont want to spend time with your partner on a Friday night when child free. Even if biologically yours it would still be normal to see your friends on a weekend when shes around. Your issue is your partner doesnt really give enough of a shit about you

It sounds like you're doing great at stepparenting OP (and yes this is stepparenting, not being married doesn't change that) and he's being very unreasonable! It sounds like his focus isn't sufficiently on your relationship and he wants your full focus to be on your DSD so he's free to do whatever he wants. I'd be questioning the relationship tbh, I'm sorry to say.

But this is all smoke and mirrors isn't it- How much a person loves another person? You're spending lots of time with her, giving her great experiences, she likes you a lot- those are the actions of love, not just saying, "I love you just as much as..." The very idea of measuring the way you love your DP against the way you love a child is weird too, because it's all immesurable isn't it, and those types of love are very different!

Are you sure he loves you? Because men with kids are often very eager to find themselves a step mother

just saying

He is a plonker. You sound like a wonderful stepmum to his little girl and he is bloody lucky. Spending time alone with a partner is important. I cant see how you wanting this on Friday night when she isnt with you anyway has any impact whatsoever on you being a 3 or not putting his little girl first. Perhaps he should prioritise you over his friends once in a while and if he wont then your relationship is doomed.

You are not her parent so you don’t need to do any parenting or accept life as one. As someone who has had stepkids & my own there is absolutely no way you will ever feel the same love, bond or emotional attachment with a child that isn’t your own & she will never love you like a parent. Just leave him as it will only get worse

So, if you went off on holiday with your own family for 2 weeks in the Caribbean, he would be happy to look after his child for the while period? She would be clean, tidy, dropped off at school, picked up, fed well, have pretty bunches in her hair, have her PE kit on the right day etc?

YANBU

i can’t imagine any circumstance where I’d love an unrelated child.

Do you love this man?

Because he sounds very questionable. The relationship frankly sounds shit. I noticed he "expects you" to spend time with him and his daughter at the weekends - why the fuck should you? She is not your child - she already has two whole parents. And he can fuck off with his "expectations". He sounds hugely controlling. He even wants to control how you feel. That's a bit scary.

It's nice you care for her and want to do stuff for her, but the pressure on you to make her the main focus of your life is MASSIVELY inappropriate for all concerned.

I would get out now, honestly, before your bond with the child deepens any further, which may make it hard to leave.

Here is the problem at the heart of step-parenting. You’re going to cause lifelong damage the six year old girl by severing your relationship with her when you leave the dickhead father, as you should, for your own self-preservation. The little girl who loves you is going to understand that it’s because of her you left her life and abandoned her, and she will be correct.

He just wants a mother for his child so he doesnt have to actually be a parent

You sound like a great stepmum, but you arent the child's mother. You dont need to devote your life to raising someone else's child. Your partner is a dick

Hes done one heck of a number on you. Sadly, I think you're so unhealthily enmeshed that you can't see it

He won't change

End the relationship

The really really shitty thing about this is that your partner is using his daughter to excuse his own shitty behaviour, and that is unforgivable imo. I've met men who go oooon and oooon about how much they love their kids, and everyone else should do the same, and they are always the men who let the women in their lives get on with the actual parenting.
He is deflecting, and what's worse, he's deflecting off his own child. This isn't about the kid. It's about you two spending time together alone, something you have ample opportunity to do but he doesn't want to.

He’s using her as an excuse to seeing his friends during the time he could be spending with you. He sounds like a dick and you sound lovely - not a good combo for you!