AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

Your DP expects you to be at home all weekend with him and his dd? That’s unreasonable for a start.

And nothing you have said is unreasonable.

your bf is being VU and unfair to you.

What do you want to do now? He’s shown you where his priorities lie, and he’s shown that he’s not interested in your POV.

Sorry you've wasted 3 years of your life on him. Good luck finding a better partner.

What else is mumsnet for , if not to get opinions and advice?
What is your reason for being on a forum, telling someone in need NOT to be on the forum?

Sorry, OP. Do not marry this man, he needs to love you for YOU, not as a surrogate mum.

The only unreasonable part of this is you haven't dumped this awful man! I can't believe what I'm reading. So you can't see friends, because you have to be on call to play mum to a kid that's not even yours! Yet, on his child free nights, he wants to see his friends! He is using you for free childcare. You are not his partner.

So you don't get to see your friends because he wants you there when his daughter is there. But he gets to see his friends when she's not and is not interested in spending time with you.

Jeez. OP, please read this over and over until you finally get to see it for what it is.

He doesn't care about you.

He sounds awful. Sorry Op get rid

I think you are being a bit of a mug I'm afraid. There is a reason why separated/divorced men with children often rush into the next committed relationship more readily than their child free peers. It is because they want free childcare and/or support with housing costs. He may be keen on you but he is also very keen on making use of you.

Did he split from his daughter's mother because he stopped seeing her as his romantic partner and only saw her as a mother? Because he's heading for the same with you.

on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

he doesnt prioritise you when he has free time? thats a red flag.

you're the NWAF

This. He is using you. More than anything his DD needs 1:1 time with him and of course you need time as a couple when DD is not with him.

He is showing/telling you his priorities and they are him before his DD and before you.

Don’t waste precious years with him. Walk away and find a man without baggage.

I thought this. You should find quality time for each other and time for friends too.

Dump him, OP

also - when do YOU get time to see YOUR friends?

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

So your DP doesn’t want to have date nights with you - he wants to go out with his friends instead.
He has stopped you seeing your friends because he wants you home all weekend.
You are the person who his little girl turns to when she is upset or wants bedtime stories and plan you trips out, etc. Hence why he wants you home all weekend - so he can pass parenting over to you.

This man has no real affection or care for you - he sees you as childcare for his daughter. Time to end the relationship.

Who on earth was the 1% that thought you were being unreasonable?!

The phrase which applies here, and was used widely on the other current similar thread, is that he's got himself a nanny with a fanny. He's not that into you. Please dump him and find a man who wants to spend time with you on a Friday night.

This sounds like a slippery slope to coercive control to me. The whole 'not doing it right' criticising you for what are quite natural emotions. I think he's using this totally unreasonable and frankly a bit creepy demand you love her more than him as a way to control you.

You obviously don't think he offloads care but what's he doing when you're alone with his daughter? What would an independent observer conclude? If he's working, fine to an extent. Does he ever leave work early, take time off when she's sick, any of the things normal parents have to do or is this all for you to pick up? If he's seeing his friends, not fine. Does he ever have time alone with his daughter? I bet she'd like that too. My daughters like time alone with their Dad (and with me) despite the fact we also do lots as a family. 1 to 1 time is important.

In case it's not clear from this thread yet - it's inappropriate for you to love his daughter more than him. You've only been in a relationship for 3 years. That's not the role of a stepmother. ESPECIALLY when his daughter already HAS a Mum who it sounds does at least 50/50 if not more (I'm guessing more) of the childcare.

Do you know how they split up? What's he told you about her? Is their relationship amicable? She very much might not be ok with your partner insisting you love his child as if she were your own. As the child's mother surely her opinion matters? Boundaries.

I'd get out now before you can't. His daughter has a Mum and a Dad, she'll be fine (although I feel sorry for her that her Dad is such a dickhead and using her to manipulate his girlfriend). Please don't get trapped in this situation.

Dick or not, it seems evident to me that you don't suit. I'd be breaking it up now.

Fuckssake. Another one. I’m a step mum OP, none of this is remotely normal or healthy. He sounds like a lot of a nutter tbh. Move on.

He is a dick. Decide if you want your life to look like this

End the relationship as I don't see it as any benefit to you. His daughter is his priority not yours as he is the parent. He could ask grandparents or aunties/uncles to babysit that's what plenty of parents do who have that as an option. Spending every weekend that are childfree always with his mates amd never spending time with you is shitty. He's shown that you are the last on his list of priorities, believe what he's showing you.

You're emotionally involved OP so you're not seeing it as clearly as outsiders. What he's asking of you is unreasonable. You're already doing plenty to care for and nurture his DD. Interesting that he expects you to give up going out with friends but he won't do the same. I'd change that for a start. Even if it's once a month, go out with your mates at the weekend. It will be good for his DD to have her dad to herself for an evening.

He’s being really horrible, he must be able to SEE that you are good to your SD and behave lovingly towards her. When we say look at actions, not just words, it’s because we do see them.

He’s using words to try to discount all that he sees and knows (eg that you don’t see your friends because he prefers you to spend time as a family). Why? Basically to say he doesn’t want to go out with you for an evening. He’d rather see friends.

For what it’s worth, relationships do benefit from couple time, even when the couple are together and need to get babysitters etc. But you know this, and your friends have confirmed it.

You need to ask yourself why he wants you around when his daughter is there but isn’t willing to spend time with you outside of that.

You don’t need to love his child more, that’s a complete red herring and I’m surprised you’re questioning yourself so much.

You're not being unreasonable.

But your dh is also correct that it's best for dc to grow up in families where they are the priority.

It's just not a situation with a perfect answer.

When my DH and I have some rare childfree time, we want to spend it with each other. That is normal and healthy in a relationship. Your DH sounds manipulative. He is not prioritising you and is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.

He's confusing you for a nanny. I would leave him now before you commit any further to him or his daughter.