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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

370 replies

Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt · 29/08/2026 10:16

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

  1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
  2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
  3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
  4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
  5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
  6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
  7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Voneska · 31/08/2026 16:20

O.M.G. I cannot believe the extent of the Brainwashing in this situation. If I was you I should DUMP him. He's using you as an unpaid nanny........IF you was married and had YOUR OWN child, you would find out that generally MEN dont do childcare- that they manipulate, cajole any which way in order to get out of it. STOP loving that child like she's your own because it looks like YOU are using the child in order to make yourself indispensable so that he marries you. Get out, clear your head, and start again. This us one Holy complicated situation where e everyone is being manipulated..If you cannot get out straight away then SIT HIM DOWN and tell him that YOU are NOT going to be USED as an unpaid NANNY anymore; unless HE is HOME as well; you won't COOK or care for the child unless he's there with you.

CruCru · 31/08/2026 09:13

I’ve been pondering this a bit. I suspect that insisting that the OP should love the child the most is actually quite sinister. They are not married and - if he were to decide to break up with her - she would then lose this child she loved as though she were her own. He wants her in a place where he can behave really badly and she feels she has to put up with it.

Squizzletwist · 30/08/2026 21:40

Run for your life…… he won’t change and from a single mum even I believe this is warped and wrong.

Lotsofsnacks · 30/08/2026 21:30

He’s manipulating you OP; the videos of DSD are guilt trips to spoil your day to get u home to them, so u can run around after DSD, so DP can put his feet up!

please end this, move on and find a good man who appreciates u! Also I guarantee if u do leave your partner, that he will be shacked up
with some other women faster than you’d think, men like that, will always find a replacement fast, so he doesn’t have to do all the work himself

Bluebellsparklypant · 30/08/2026 20:59

Get out while you can, there’s no love or care for you as a partner. You can live your own life how you want to

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 30/08/2026 17:56

It is really unfair to say that @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt would have to accept less alone couple time if she had a biological child. She doesn't, she sounds like a lovely "stepmum" but the issue is her "partner" trying to tell her how she should feel and behave.

PetulaGordeno · 30/08/2026 17:51

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2026 17:49

There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

You don't need to 'write more'. There doesn't have to be a 'host' of reasons.You can end this relationship for any reason or no reason at all.

The one you posted about is enough reason, believe me.

I wish you well. You deserve a good life with an equal partner. Just remember that, now that you know the possible pitfalls, the decision not to date a man with children is a valid one should you choose that. I did, but for different reasons and it was the right one for me.

At the very least, if you do decide to date a man with children, you now know what to look out for as red flags.

Show quote history

Oh FFS I used to get those videos it drove me nuts it’s so manipulative.
Please please end this it’s not right.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2026 17:49

Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt · 29/08/2026 18:59

thanks for all the advice. It’s easier to see things clearer. I do need to end the relationship. There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to. Financially and the way he talks to me generally

If I do end up going out, like today, he sends videos of DSD saying “we miss you” etc etc

There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

You don't need to 'write more'. There doesn't have to be a 'host' of reasons.You can end this relationship for any reason or no reason at all.

The one you posted about is enough reason, believe me.

I wish you well. You deserve a good life with an equal partner. Just remember that, now that you know the possible pitfalls, the decision not to date a man with children is a valid one should you choose that. I did, but for different reasons and it was the right one for me.

At the very least, if you do decide to date a man with children, you now know what to look out for as red flags.

Aquagirl123 · 30/08/2026 16:54

Why can't you compromise? When she's not there you can both go out with friends. Then spend time alone together once or twice a month. You are being an excellent person in your SD's life it would be a shame for her if you split. If he won't compromise then that's your answer.

ShortRun · 30/08/2026 16:37

As a mama in a blended family situation, step kids, bio kids too, my husband's biggest focus was that we also make time for each other as the pressures of family life can create a chasm for any couple but even more so in blended family situations. Your boyfriends using you if he would prioritise friends over you. He could've found a solution of date night one weekend a month with you and friends own weekend a month. My life with my husband is vibrant and we have four children, we managed to make time for each other, friends, and kids /family unit.

NegativeFreak · 30/08/2026 16:36

PermanentTemporary · 29/08/2026 10:23

I think you’re 100% right in what you feel but the fact that you’re trailing this conflict around your friends and the internet isnt good. Book a couples counsellor session and try to reach some kind of resolution with HIM.

It used to be the expected action for a widow that he would ‘find a mother’ for his motherless children, but a) that was 200 years ago and b) even then it was probably a fiction.

I've spent enough time on ansestry.com to know it was definitely not a made up thing.

The speed at which widows would remarry would give you whiplash!

Throwawaygh · 30/08/2026 16:30

StrawberryMatchaLatte · 29/08/2026 10:27

If she lives with you full time or even part time, you're part of a family unit. If she was your biological child, you wouldn't get all this alone time together as a couple, so you won't with a step child either, particularly when they're very young. If that's not suited to you then that is entirely your prerogative but it means you probably need to separate.

But they do get time alone together when her DSD is at her mother’s house. The issue is the time without the DSD she wants to have couple time and he wants time with his mates.

Paradoes · 30/08/2026 16:20

He is manipulating you. You are 'expected' to see his daughter and not your friends at weekends. You are not allowed a totally reasonable date night but instead he sees HIS friends. He is putting you dowm because you domt love his daughter when clearly you are exceptionally kind to her.

Get rid

certainlycertain · 30/08/2026 16:01

Apologies for not having read the full thread, but even in families where both people are the biological parents couples need time for themselves. I don't really see that this has anything to do with how much you do or don't love your stepdaughter, it really just comes down to your partner being a dick. He'd be the exact same dick even if the child was yours together.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 15:55

He sounds really quite strange. Why doesn’t he care what you want?
You are not even married but are being a very selfless and committed stepmum.
My husband and I have two children together and we really prioritised date night when the kids were younger, otherwise the relationship really suffers.
She is not your daughter and on paper (since you are not married) you have no duty to her. Of course in reality she is a little girl who will have bonded with you and deserves the good treatment you give her.

I think given the overwhelming response on her you can tell your partner in no u certain terms that your relationship with him is entirely separate to your relationship with his daughter and your relationship with him at this point needs some attention.

WTFsmh12 · 30/08/2026 15:47

Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt · 29/08/2026 18:59

thanks for all the advice. It’s easier to see things clearer. I do need to end the relationship. There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to. Financially and the way he talks to me generally

If I do end up going out, like today, he sends videos of DSD saying “we miss you” etc etc

The videos are pure manipulation, time for you to move on.

Moanyoldmoan · 30/08/2026 15:19

He just wants a step mum to look after his daughter basically

EmmaB1309 · 30/08/2026 15:18

What a fuckwit. Of course his daughter is the priority, and it sounds like you are wonderful with her. But you are absolutely right to want to nurture your relationship as well. Or at least you would be, if this guy wasn’t a total tosser! But it’s ok to go to the pub with his pals when he is childfree? If anything you are doing quite a bit more than a stepmother normally would. And that’s probably why he is with you I’m afraid. Please don’t marry him OP.

Fortheloveoffrogs · 30/08/2026 15:15

“He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this.”

So YOUR focus should be;

  • his daughter
  • him

His focus is on

  • him
  • daughter
  • friends
  • you
Fortheloveoffrogs · 30/08/2026 15:12

thistimelastweek · 29/08/2026 10:21

He is manipulating you into taking on his responsibility for childcare.
He's putting himself before you and his daughter.

100%

pikkumyy77 · 30/08/2026 12:24

Just walk. Supporting yourself without needing to do childcare and house work for him is going to free up so much time and energy.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2026 10:17

He just wants a replacement wifey type at home looking after the kid - he doesn't value you other than as a caregiver role for his child - not as a separate autonomous woman who wants other things in life than looking after his kid.

His focus shouldn't be seeing friends when he doesn’t have his daughter, it should be you so he's getting the order wrong as well

No good, end it

Epdrenching · 30/08/2026 10:12

So he's insisting you pay half of everything as well?
Classic user if he is.
I really hope you are gathering your stuff and making plans.

You are being used.
You can get away from him.
Any hint of violence, call the police.

He won't be happy losing a free bill paying skivvy aupair.
So be prepared for him to beg etc.
Especially with the cost of childcare.

YourWildAmberSloth · 30/08/2026 10:05

The child has a mum already, you can be a positive feature in her life but you didn't enter into a relationship with her, you went into one with him. His daughter is a part of that but you are not her stepmum, she's your partners child. Looking after a sick child in your care is what most decent adults would do. I'm sure she likes you a lot, even feels cared for by you but might not necessarily love you. Would your partner feel the same if her mum met someone else, would he expect that man to be more intersted in a relationship with his daughter than her mum? If he can't be bothered to invest in your relationship, you might need to rethink it.

Sassylovesbooks · 30/08/2026 09:54

Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt · 29/08/2026 18:59

thanks for all the advice. It’s easier to see things clearer. I do need to end the relationship. There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to. Financially and the way he talks to me generally

If I do end up going out, like today, he sends videos of DSD saying “we miss you” etc etc

I've been where you are OP. I was a naive 23 year old, who got together with a man 7 years older than me with two boys who lived with him permanently. His wife left him and the boys for another man and she saw them EOW. At the time I naively thought the reason why he wanted me to meet his children so quickly and me to move in, was because he loved me. Oh how wrong I was!!

You are being used OP. You are a convenience to him. You are filling a role for him. He wants you there to look after his daughter. He's not really interested in your relationship, because you're not there because he loves you, you're there to provide childcare.

Nanny with a fanny is the phrase. End the relationship. You deserve much much better, as I did. I left after 4 years. Went on to meet someone else, marry and have a child of my own.