AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

My god you sound intrusive!

Love this. That’s where the world going and now we have ChatGPT to give company and mumsnet to talk too.

If someone is sitting on their phone, they don’t want to chat.

Have you always been bad at picking up social cues?

I'm quite chatty but I think you were rude in the first instance. The woman was on her phone, she wasn't just sitting staring into space.

The same people when they are much older will complain of loneliness and lack of human interactions/ community in the society.

That’s even more hideous than the other poem posted upthread.

Yes perfectly fine not wanting ( I didn’t want to write it in caps assuming you can read without having to do so) to make new friends. In any case, you don’t just click in one random 5 minutes, it takes multiple such meetings. I was just saying if people are discouraged to talk to others in such scenarios because other person can be exhausted, then when can you?

What I find weird in this scenario is not having tolerance for a pre gym class chit chat to the degree that you have that annoying look. So in my opinion people who get annoyed quickly over such minor human interactions are rude.

Same. You maybe don’t know how to read the room or social clues- The last example probably means that you don’t.

People are just busy and have lots on their mind too. The very last place I want to chat to someone is on the bus!

Agreed. I’m both friendly and sociable, but I read other people’s social cues and don’t bother people who don’t want to talk. Sitting at the new colleague’s table with a cup of tea when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to chat was intrusive, and a lot of people, me included, value time on public transport looking out the window and daydreaming. You’re coming on way too strong with total strangers, OP. Your desire to chat doesn’t override their preference. There will always be people who do want a conversation. Look for them.

This is a very good point, as a society we are being encouraged to not just put up with random men wanting to just be friendly to women . But alas, the OP started a thread, then done a runner 😏 I hope she/he/they found someone to talk to.

The OP sounds rather enthusiastic but the office lady was very rude. Fancy being so dismissive to a new employee.

I do think though that people are less inclined to a spot of small talk and are even sometimes a bit hostile. Some new people moved in opposite about three or four years ago. When I was passing with the dog (so not launching myself on her as a special visit) the woman was on her drive, so I said I was Jane from over the road, dh was Tom plus dcs. She just said,”Oh, hello.” That was it - nothing more. If we are leaving our drives at the same time they ignore us, no wave of acknowledgement even. They have a lot of visitors/parties etc so not anti-social to them. They have never spoken to the people next door to them, either.

but perhaps she didn't WANT to make new friends? I know it's a bit contradictory because on here people always suggest things like the gym if you want to meet new people, but the obvious (or I thought it was!) implication there is that it only works if other people want the same thing! Some people will be up for it, others have gone to the gym for its actual purpose, exercise, perhaps with the secondary benefit of getting 5 solitary minutes of peace to themselves, which OP is interrupting.

I’ve been assuming the OP’s a woman but I don’t think she / he has actually specified sex & that can make a difference too. I’m much more open to chatting with strange women than strange men.

Hmm, can sort of see both sides. I think maybe you need to just read the room a bit OP, there will be people who are happy to talk and people who aren't, and neither are wrong. Imagine how you would feel if you'd had a really shit day, were feeling ill or struggling to keep it together, and a complete stranger sat down next to you and started yapping at you.

I do think the first person could have been a little nicer, just because expectations at work are a bit different. If OP had been a bit shy and not introduced herself, then if everyone she met had been like 'Sheila' it could have taken months for her to get to know colleagues and find her place, which would have had a knock on effect on whether she felt comfortable asking them for help, suggesting ideas, etc.

OTOH, while I'm usually the first person to say hi and introduce myself to a new person at work, I'm currently trying to move house - my half hour lunch break (twenty mins by the time I've sorted my food) is literally the only time I can contact solicitors, estate agents etc. before they close when I finish work so I've been frantically head down sending emails.

So while I still think "Sheila" could have just been a bit nicer and said "Oh, I've been here for nearly 5 years, wow, time flies. Sorry to be rude, I really need to sort this before I go back to my desk, hope you have a great first day,' I can sort of understand why she might have thought 'Oh god please be quiet.' There are lots of workplaces where the break room is the only place someone can go to decompress if they've had a really awkward client etc.

There should be some balance. Yes, op
nerds to improve her ability to take hints or read the room. But I don’t agree that it’s about rights. You want space, you express that with your mouth, no one is denying you of your right to space. In the same manner, who like to talk or need a sense of community, need to use their common sense and take the hints that other person does not want a chat. It’s simple.

But I agree with overall observation of op that people are less friendly. I went to John Lewis, I said thank you with a smile ( smile comes naturally to me, I am not an over talker) to the lady serving me at the till, she didn’t say a word or thank you, had this grumpy look that she had to spend 30 second on the till to process my payment, which was the fastest you can imagine with a tap. A second later she was chatting with colleague, so it wasn’t about her being so tired etc. I felt maybe I was discriminated because I am different race but she was also from a race known to have suffered from discrimination. And before someone knot themselves trying to find something I did wrong. No, I had only spent that 30 secs with her. And she wasn’t even working. Had just opened the till and the lady on the other till with longer queue was friendly. So my understanding is it’s a personality thing not because of exhaustion from work. Some people are just weird and unfriendly.

In first example, if lady was busy, she did not need to have annoyed look. She could have just sorry I am busy, I am writing an important email, etc. But I am sure she thought like some posters here, the other person is denying them of their rights.

What sort of age are you OP and where do you live?

I find in general that younger people and those in cities view friendly chattiness as weird.

Of course I am generalising to a degree but this is my experience.

I am almost 60 and live in a quiet semi rural area where most people are my age or older and chatting is appreciated here.

There is a thread on Mumsnet today about a poster who is thinking of installing a fence so she doesn't have to talk to her neighbour. Several posters suggested headphones which are an easily recognised signal that you don't want to interact. Scrolling on a phone is also one such signal. Its a pity that most people have lost the skill of making conversation but you are not going to force them to recall it by pushing into their headspace.

I agree people are less social these days. But I also think you don’t take the hints. In example one, the lady was rude but when she was already gave one word answers twice, why did you fire another question? That was your time to take the hint.

Same goes for the second example, time for you to stop was when she said annoyingly that it’s a fitness class. Why did you ask further if she does other classes?

Third example is so funny. I cannot imagine some random person talking about traffic in the UK. Are you from the US?

But I would have talked to you happily in all examples unless I was really exhausted.
I think the life in UK has become very stressful rushing from one place to another, doing one thing after another so people are exhausted and don’t want to talk. I think the woman in gym was the rudest. If you don’t talk to people in that environment ( wait before a class would 5 or max 10 minutes), then how are you supposed to make new friends after 30? And it shows society becoming more insular.

It's the ol' "People tell introverts to be more outgoing, but nobody tells extroverts when to shut the fuck up" problem.

I think I'd have to agree with most posters saying that OP needs to learn to read the room. Life is incredibly busy, and a lot of people relish those moments where they can take a moment for themselves.

Sometimes people will be communicating with friends or family on their phones - the interaction may be digital rather than in person, but it's arguably of much higher value and importance than random small talk with a colleague (or, gods forbid, a stranger on public transport).

Sometimes they might be doing important admin stuff on their phone - sorting insurance, paying bills, looking up information on tradesmen because their guttering needs doing.

It's really not though, phones are just a handy excuse for today. Way back when if someone wanted to talk to me on public transport, I would have said that I use the travelling time to sleep/read/listen to my music. Nothing personal ✌️.

This thread highlights there are still friendly chatty people out there (I am one of them) but I have to be in the mood - and as a random stranger, you don't know when that is or what kind of day I have had.

Examples 1&2 are a bit rude by the third parties. But frankly you were being too pushy with example 3.

Join a fitness class with a WhatsApp group and try and be a bit more patient with people. I’ve had to be in fitness classes for weeks and months before I’ve made any real
friends, if you don’t let things come naturally you’ll scare people off.

If a complete stranger sat next to me on a bus when there were plenty of free spaces, and then started talking to me, I would assume they were trying to recruit me into a cult or something. It's a weird thing to do.

I do think people are less sociable. I'd put it down to two things

1. The world is overcrowded. In 1900 there were a billion humans. Today there are eight billion. The UK is a noisy, crowded, stressful, suffocating place to live. The traffic is awful and the countryside is being ruined by endless house building. By the end of the week, most people are burned out. They crave silence and space.

2. We don't need people as much. In the past, people went to the pub because there was nothing else to do. Today, we have podcasts and video games and YouTube. We can have any book ever written delivered to our door, and we have limitless access to the world's music and TV and film. Some people are amazing – kind, funny, interesting, etc. But the majority aren't worth the effort. They're boring, talk about themselves, show off, don't listen to what you're saying, and aren't interested in you at all (they're nosy, but that's not the same). Books are just SO much more interesting than people. I'd rather read Iris Murdoch or Aldous Huxley or Bill Bryson than go to a barbeque and listen to someone droning on about rugby or cars or what their daughter got in her A-Levels.

“The antisocial modern grace
To love the screen and fear the face”.

I live in London & I’ve found that the people who are most likely to want to chat on the tube are visitors who usually drive, view public transport as a novelty & can’t understand why everyone isn’t being ‘friendly’.

They don’t tend to understand that regular commuters deal with their journeys by mentally screening everyone else out.