AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

And your assumption / projection ‘ of a void in your own life’ is breathtakingly presumptuous.

and jaundiced.

My mum is a bit like this when out and about, she will go beyond polite small talk and just offer up any random information and it’s clear to me the other person has no interest and wants to move on. She doesn’t listen to the other side of conversation either, she simply pauses and awaits her turn to talk. She talks AT you and I actually have to be so blunt and say ‘I need to go and do x,y,z now mum so we’re finishing the conversation because all other subtle social cues completely fail.

I just find it all totally exhausting.

I didn’t mean you personally - it was aimed at all the people who think it’s okay to do this.

Although pretty much all people who do chat to randomers will have made someone uncomfortable even without knowing or intending to.

I may have a jaded view of the world but I don’t feel the need to intrude on people so that’s a bonus.

I think you have to ease into these kind of situations. When my child switched schools I suggested he just play it very cool initially and not try and forge friendships from the beginning as that can look a bit desperate. Instead just friendly but also happy to sit by themselves and let people come to him. It worked brilliantly and he became mates with the cool crowd which I knew he wanted to do.

The advice also works for adults. Play it cool. Don’t talk to people who are obviously busy unless it’s work related. It took me a year to get fully integrated into my last job and I suddenly realised I was in as people were telling me the gossip.

I think it comes down to asking yourself why you are happy to risk making people feel uncomfortable in order to fill the void in your own life.

And you can’t blame phones, I used to carry a couple of books with me everywhere I went.

Thankyou for pointing out to me, who you have never met, that I am socially obtuse and that I foist myself onto strangers who tolerate me out of politeness.

Your viewpoint doesn’t sound extreme nor jaundiced at all….

I would’ve spoken to you in all 3 scenarios and don’t think any of them are particularly weird. I believe that people who make lots of micro connections (eg having people you regularly pass the time of day with on your bus route) are generally happier and feel more connected to their area.

Not from the view of those you are intruding on, believe me. It’s very selfish to inflict yourself on others that don’t want that.

I wish those that wanted to be sociable would wear a badge or something - that would be a win for you and for us.

Genuinely, does it never occur to you when you are chatting to a stranger that they are just being polite and they can’t wait to get away from you? Because all the ones who say they only do it to those who are comfortable are very often mistaking manners for comfort.

I think that people have less time to make small talk because of their phones.

There is always something they can read or watch on their phones, so they don't need to talk.

All the people piling on To say how awful you have been, chatting freely, have a different norm from you.

your point is proved!

I love meeting what I think of as ‘ normal people ’ who are relaxed and friendly, out in the wild. It did used to be very much the norm, and it
isn’t now.

we are the ones living in a nicer world.

Well yes - people interact with their friends rather than some randomer who can’t sit in the staff room without trying to be besties.

Actually I’m 55 and have always felt like people can be intrusive so I don’t think you can blame parenting.

Why should the right to intrude on someone trump the right to be left in peace? People who are intrusive generally don’t get the hint so either you have to go through the arseache of having an unwelcome conversation or you have to be blunt.

I just think modern is so noisy and overstimulating that sometimes people just want to be quiet. Years ago women in particular would be stuck at home so probably relished chatting nowadays when we’re running from work, to childcare, home to do tea, sort shopping get kids to bed there just isn’t a moments peace so those moments at work, on the bus or before a gym class could be the only moments peace in that persons day.

My job is very noisy so I take myself off to the furthest empty classroom to eat my lunch and read my book in peace and quiet. I love my colleagues but I don’t want to sit in the staff room listening to everyone yapping!

I think I’d probably pay more attention to people’s cues, the lady at work made it very clear that she didn’t want to sit and chat so you shouldn’t have then proceeded to go and sit with her. I would however have remembered her name and just said hi Sheila next time I saw her.

I wouldn’t stop saying hi to people as you’re obviously a very friendly chatty person but just pay close attention to their cues and back off if they don’t engage but also don’t be offended and stop trying with everyone, there could be that one person who’s day you change for the better by chatting to them.

Which doesn't necessarily make that interaction less valid or sociable.

I feel I'm being much more sociable joking with my friends in a group chat on my phone than exchanging banal small talk with colleagues in real life.

But what you're saying is that OP's feelings, wants and needs trump everyone else's..? Because she does want to talk? I totally disagree with your post. In none of these examples did the stranger 'blank' OP. She got a token response and then hurt her own feelings because she didn't read the signals/take the hint that the person didn't want to continue the interaction. Which is their right, and respecting boundaries is also part of a functional society.

There is obviously a bigger discussion around screens/social media/lockdown impact that is taking place. But I don't think OP's examples are particularly related to that.

It's phones. People interact virtually instead of talking.

Ooh I thought this was going to be about friends becoming old and boring (lighthearted - sort of 😜) and was ready to agree with you but Lord no! I am a social person but please don't ever try and speak to me on a bus!!

Example 1 makes me thankful to WFH. When I'm at work I'm trying to work.

Example 2 is a bit weird of the other woman, yes.

Example 3, OP is beyond unreasonable. Don't talk to people on public transport! There's nothing "nowadays" about that, it was something I internalised as a child in the 90s.

He seems to find it funny. I do not....

Oh Lordy! I feel for him 🙈

Nobody likes a bus nutter. Sadly DP attracts them.

I think being expected to read social cues is a good thing.

I have learnt that many people are crap at it though! If someone comes to sit next to me on a train because there are no seats then I can just about handle that but if they start talking to me, I will get up and stand in the bit with the door.

I don’t want to be rude to people but it’s getting harder to avoid.

I do think the social norm has switched from ‘if you’re in a room with someone you should introduce yourself and chat’ to ‘you should never interact until you get strong signals that it would be welcome’. And yes that’s a shame.

Yeah good point. I do generally agree that people should be free to not interact. My thinking on example 1 is just that when someone is on their first day in a new job, it's reasonable to be politely friendly. I'd overlooked that OP had parked herself at the colleague's table after that initial introduction.

Maybe you don't read people's social cues.

Plenty of people in these situations just want to be left in peace and not have to make small talk with strangers.

In example 1, I would have given you a bit of time due to you being new, but she had probably gone into the staff room on her break to just get a bit of downtime. Beyond the initial exchange you should have left her alone and gone to a different table.

In example 2, she too just wanted to sit alone for a bit but again, you inserted yourself and began asking inane questions. She was a bit rude and abrupt, but again, I suspect you weren't reading her cues, assuming that because she was sitting on her own she would like a conversation with you.

Example 3, here you are again just homing in on someone sitting on their own (this time on the bus) and assuming that they will be delighted to make conversation with you. Mostly they won't, and even if they do chat a bit they are likely to find it irritating. Some might even find it creepy and uncomfortable. If I get onto a bus or train I sit on my own if at all possible (sometimes it isn't, of course). I don't want to be forced into unnecessary conversation and would find it irritating.

Not everyone sitting on their own is just waiting for someone else to come up and begin chattering. In fact, I would even go so far as to say most are not. I only approach my family and people I know well or have arranged to meet. Otherwise, please leave me alone.