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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

257 replies

TheBlueRobin · 29/08/2026 07:21

My fiance (M33) didn't come home last night after a night out in our nearest city. I (F33) am so shocked my anger hasn't kicked in yet. We get married in 7 weeks.

He had this night out planned for a little while, going out with a work friend for some food and one of those interactive game places to do darts etc. Later in the night he bumped into a mutual friend of ours who I know is a big drinker and one for nights out. The last time I heard from him was 9:30 where he sent a selfie of the two of them and a comment about our friend's crazy stories. He said he was getting the last train at 11:30 so would be home around midnight. So I went to sleep.

I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety. He had just been paid so could have afforded a taxi or got a cheap hotel or something. He was still quite drunk when I picked him up but he seemed remorseful and in fact quite shocked at his actions. He's sleeping it off now and we'll talk later. It was pouring with rain outside as well.

For context, my partner does like a drink but is not a frequent drinker. His last crazy night out was his stag in June and before that a few months before. We do drink together. I have no concerns about him cheating or anything like being aggressive. But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking.

He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate and we have a good relationship. But this has thrown me. If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him. If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag. We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.

OP posts:
OneHangryGoldDeer · 30/08/2026 13:34

MeridianB · 30/08/2026 13:10

This. He goes out binge drinking every few months and it’s now escalated to going missing overnight. Possibly drugs involved, too, if he will still drunk this morning (despite saying he stopped at 2am?}

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He wasn't missing.

He knew where he was, answered OPs text immediately and got himself home first thing.

He got drunk and had a shit night.

Not sure why OP is shaken.

SewYellowLikeButter · 30/08/2026 13:11

Honestly? It happens once or twice in a life that we make such mistakes and learn from them. He’s not a heavy drinker, he didn’t leave you to look after the kids or miss an event or anything. Alcohol makes people stupid and want to drink more. He’s a grown man so can look after himself if he wants to wander around for a few hours before the train.

MeridianB · 30/08/2026 13:10

cestlavielife · 29/08/2026 22:26

Postpone getting married for a year. See if he can act like a responsible person before you have kids

This. He goes out binge drinking every few months and it’s now escalated to going missing overnight. Possibly drugs involved, too, if he will still drunk this morning (despite saying he stopped at 2am?}

LongDarkTeatime · 30/08/2026 13:07

I suggest you get him to write himself a letter for the next time he’s going out drinking. Time will diminish the memory of the emotions he’s feeling now. He needs to give his future self a blunt reminder and advice about how, and who, he really wants to be when tempted by ‘friends’.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 30/08/2026 13:00

Hollyhobbi · 30/08/2026 12:37

You’re lucky the bin lorry didn’t cart you off!

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Yep - a bit like what they suspect happened to Corrie McKeague.

andfinallyhereweare · 30/08/2026 12:52

Men are only remorseful like that when they’ve been caught cheating, I would say he cheated and that’s why he’s so shocked at his behaviour and said he’d give up the drink. Sleeping on a park bench is a harmless mistake not sure why you’re both so shaken by it. There will be more to it. @TheBlueRobin

Hollyhobbi · 30/08/2026 12:37

Parky04 · 29/08/2026 13:39

Because he was pissed. I once slept in a wheelie bin. It was a great night!

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You’re lucky the bin lorry didn’t cart you off!

Therescathairinmybath · 30/08/2026 12:30

I agree that you should postpone the wedding. At the very least he is unable to control how much he drinks on a night out which doesn’t bode well for the future.

FreyaonFire · 30/08/2026 12:20

cestlavielife · 29/08/2026 22:26

Postpone getting married for a year. See if he can act like a responsible person before you have kids

Agree with this. Words mean nothing, actions do. But so close to the wedding, you won’t have time to see if he really means what he is saying. Don’t rush into anything - if his behaviour does not change he’d not be the right person to build a future with and have kids with. Postponing the wedding would be a very wise move on your part.

malefields · 30/08/2026 12:13

Even if he’s not cheating, if this is something that can be sort of a recurring event it would point towards addiction and maybe something other than alcohol. I’d be very wary about legally tying myself to that.

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 12:07

ForWiseRoseCat · 30/08/2026 12:03

I've missed the last train home before, I've left clubs at 3/4am when the 1st train isn't until 6am. I've walked around London waiting for the 1st train home,sat at stations many a times in my younger days.

I remember going to see David Blaine in his glass box after a night clubbing whilst waiting for the 1st train.

I wasn't cheating, I wasn't doing anything dubious (unless eating a McDonald's beneath a man starving in a glass box counts).

Mumsnet is weird about this sort of thing though, I'm sure some people never had a good time when they were younger.

Aged 33? In the age of Uber and mobile phones. She said he'd just been paid and could have got a taxi or even hotel. He's not a skint drunk student from 30 years ago.

ForWiseRoseCat · 30/08/2026 12:03

I've missed the last train home before, I've left clubs at 3/4am when the 1st train isn't until 6am. I've walked around London waiting for the 1st train home,sat at stations many a times in my younger days.

I remember going to see David Blaine in his glass box after a night clubbing whilst waiting for the 1st train.

I wasn't cheating, I wasn't doing anything dubious (unless eating a McDonald's beneath a man starving in a glass box counts).

Mumsnet is weird about this sort of thing though, I'm sure some people never had a good time when they were younger.

Hollyhobbi · 30/08/2026 11:58

Merrymoonage · 29/08/2026 07:47

@MagneticSquirrel you don’t think staying out drinking alone and choosing to apparently sleep on a park bench for the night is unusual in your 30s?!? What??

And in the pouring rain as well!

DaringPinkSamsara · 30/08/2026 11:53

Crinkle77 · 30/08/2026 11:45

I'm dubious about the fiancé's story but this is batshit. Asking the church for CCTV footage? Firstly they won't be able to provide it and secondly you'll sound nuts.

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Just mentioning ways of finding out the truth as to her fiancés whereabouts last night…. It would be better of course if he was honest

ErNo20 · 30/08/2026 11:46

I suppose he might have passed out drunk near a church. From your description he's at the very least a binge drinking loser. Don't marry him.

Crinkle77 · 30/08/2026 11:45

DaringPinkSamsara · 30/08/2026 10:15

Ask to see the CCTV from outside the church. Check his bank account for last nights transactions. That will give clarity hopefully. Sounds like a tall tale but let him prove himself before binning him

I'm dubious about the fiancé's story but this is batshit. Asking the church for CCTV footage? Firstly they won't be able to provide it and secondly you'll sound nuts.

Epdrenching · 30/08/2026 11:43

OP, yanbu to be concerned.
I find his heavy binge drinking every so often, and now this, an escalation.
I find his story unbelievable.

I would be pushing the wedding back.
If you do marry him, do not have children for years and years.

He has the sound of a cheater/alcohol issues about him.

ErNo20 · 30/08/2026 11:42

TheBlueRobin · 29/08/2026 21:37

Thanks for all the replies. I managed to have a normal conversation with him a few hours ago after he had slept for the whole day.

He reiterated that our friend left him in a bar, he went to a late night bar thinking that some other people were there, then he went to the train station, then wondered around, found himself on a bench by a church under a tree. However I do believe him as I know what he's like when he's had a lot to drink and it wouldn't be anything untoward.

I did tell him he's a fucking idiot to be so fucking reckless and have such a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. He was in a city with a high level of homelessness and crime, anything could have happened. I said I'm not even angry, it's beyond that but I am so disappointed and feel so sad. He lost his very expensive ear phones and I said good, he deserved to have some consequences of his actions.

He does however feel very shaken up and shocked at his own behaviour and vowed it won't happen again, he has apologised repeatedly etc. He has had he will give up drink all together. So I'm going to mull on it this week and see how I feel.

I rang my best friend who knows him and she agrees he wouldn't be hiding anything and that he loves me, but she doesn't blame me for questioning our future.

He didn't sleep outside a church. He's lying to you.

WanderingBrit · 30/08/2026 11:37

The whole story reminds me of my ex. He was a cheater who once said he didn’t come home because he got locked in the barber shop!

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 11:34

RoxyRoo2011 · 30/08/2026 10:18

I’m sorry but, and I’m speaking from experience here, he did not sleep outside a church. This is 100% a lie and you need to question why he’s needed to lie about his whereabouts.

Definitely, I went to lots of parties (back in the day) that went on till the next day. Also I went out with a massive boozer party animal that got into many scrapes. Forgot to pay taxi drivers, came back without a shoe etc. He never slept in a graveyard! Passed out in someone's house party-yes. Sounds like he's fibbing about this to me. Why though?

moonraker0 · 30/08/2026 11:32

DaringPinkSamsara · 30/08/2026 10:15

Ask to see the CCTV from outside the church. Check his bank account for last nights transactions. That will give clarity hopefully. Sounds like a tall tale but let him prove himself before binning him

You cannot go demanding CCTV from anywhere to confirm that your partner hasn’t cheated. MN is the most ridiculous place at times and I do wonder what goes through people’s minds before they type.

IStillHearTheWaves · 30/08/2026 11:31

bobbybigbollocks · 30/08/2026 11:28

Pfffft. I’m a professional woman in my 50’s and when I lived in London in my 20’s and 30’s we all did this at least once. Not necessarily the church but yes got drunk carried on to a club and slept somewhere stupid. Me and a friend had a couple hours kip on a bench in the garden of St Thomas’ Hospital waiting for the first tube. My boyfriend at the time (now DH) was worried but then thought it hilarious. He once slept under a bridge in Islington waiting for the first tube. I literally don’t know anyone who hasn’t done similar.
Most of Mumsnet have very dull lives in dullsville and could barely consider even staying out after 11pm. Late nights with your friends are totally normal. Especially when young. The occasional church sleep decision is usually a one off to tell at dinner parties.
It certainly doesn’t mean he’s cheated nor that he will be some kind of street drunkard for your whole married life.

Edited

Exactly what I was trying to say!

Edited to add that it was not incommon for people to come back to the office and sleep under their desks if it was an after work night out.

IStillHearTheWaves · 30/08/2026 11:30

I think some people here have led sheltered lives. It's not impossible he cheated (although the state you describe doesn't sound likely to me) but it's also not impossible that he was incapable of getting himself home.

bobbybigbollocks · 30/08/2026 11:28

Pfffft. I’m a professional woman in my 50’s and when I lived in London in my 20’s and 30’s we all did this at least once. Not necessarily the church but yes got drunk carried on to a club and slept somewhere stupid. Me and a friend had a couple hours kip on a bench in the garden of St Thomas’ Hospital waiting for the first tube. My boyfriend at the time (now DH) was worried but then thought it hilarious. He once slept under a bridge in Islington waiting for the first tube. I literally don’t know anyone who hasn’t done similar.
Most of Mumsnet have very dull lives in dullsville and could barely consider even staying out after 11pm. Late nights with your friends are totally normal. Especially when young. The occasional church sleep decision is usually a one off to tell at dinner parties.
It certainly doesn’t mean he’s cheated nor that he will be some kind of street drunkard for your whole married life.

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 11:26

I wouldn't care too much about an all nighter if he'd been at an after party or something. But no way did he sleep at a church. That's pure rubbish. I'm a reformed, grown up party person so I know people do have mad nights occasionally. But that church stuff does not ring true in any way. He should tell the truth about where he was.