AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

@TheBlueRobin I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety.

I think your fiance is far too old for this.

Not to me and I went out with a major pisshead for many years who never developed a tolerance to alcohol. Fully aware of mad things people do when drunk which is why I find this iffy.
Sleeping outside in the rain, in a rough city when you could have got a taxi, after the "late night place". Instead you walked around and slept on a bench. Oh ok then aha.
Don't know what he has or hasn't done. Neither do you. I just feel its iffy as.

I’m sure even the mere suggestion of this to her Fiance will encourage him to tell the truth!! Personally I’d make him ask the church, surely if it’s of him there won’t be any GDPR breaches or whatever ??

Oh get over yourself hun.

Different standards because I used the F word? That's what you're saying he did, even if you dislike the word.

And OP is entitled of course to not marry someone for any reason.

But people claiming he must be a liar simply have no idea about the effects of binge-drinking.

Picking holes basically saying well of course a sensible person would have done X, Y, or Z, got a taxi or whatever is the equivalent of saying 'why would a drunk person get behind the wheel of a car?' why would a drubk person text their EX? Why would a drunk person get into a fight? When there are so many more sensible choices.

Because they're drunk! That's what alcohol does. It intoxicates. It makes people insensible.

It's nothing to do with 'standards'. Just education and knowledge.

Tell us how OP should go about this request, and on what basis.

Hmm if he's drunk that much it's likely he wouldn't have been capable

He could be lying, but he could be lying in many different contexts about many different situations throughout his life, like anyone can, that is why the word/emotion/concept of 'trust' exists, because none of us acutally know or have the means to evidence everything anyone says to us.

Equally he could have slept on a bench in summer for a few hours before catching an early train home, in order to save some £, in what is obviously going to be an expensive few months.

I would be wondering why he didn't call me to come and get him.

I think all you can do is try and find out if he was telling the truth and if he wasn't then re-think.

Female logic?

I call it common sense and the ability to realise someone is lying.

Some of these comments are just bizarre...

Cheating is one possibility for his behaviour and something worth investigating.

Binge-drinking is also a good enough reason to dump someone.

Someone over 30 should not be blind drunk to the point where he has to pass out next to a church and sleep it off.

Also no need to use the F word when you post comments.

I guess we just have different standards.

I'm so glad I am single and free. I have a non live in partner for years, we just go ahead and do our own thing when and where we want and need to, (all legal ha ha), and never have to explain our lives outside of our relationship to each other.

We trust each other. Do you trust your future husband OP? If you did none of this would matter to you, he's home safe and that should be the end of it. Over scrutiny of people's lives is going to lead to a dead end.

LOL 😂’walked around’ from 2am then slept outside a church? Hahahaha. Grown ass man with funds! Of course he cheated

Why is he obviosuly lying.
He is a man, you are applying female logic to this situation.

As a MAN -

He missed his train but by the time it became an issue it was a few hours until the morning trains started running, this would save him £££ over a taxi and hotel after what was probably already an expensive night out.

It was summer and warm enough, and he had a coat.

He found somewhere sheltered and moderatly comfortable to get his head down.

So he went to sleep in the meantime until he could get a train.

Ideal

As WOMEN -

We would have been concerned being propositioned and ultimately raped and/or murder.

Bollocks. I certainly haven't.

Hope you are getting the whole story now, OP. Sleeping outside a church in the rain isn't it. He could have got a taxi/Uber home if he has any common sense at all.

I've just said, nothing about his story doesn't tally with a binge-drinking episode for someone unused to it, at all.

Why would he, as a grown man in his 30s text her to say, I've missed the train? He hadn't missed it, he'd decided to stay out drinking. OP was in bed which he'd have known, so I assume he wouldn't as a grown man, be texting her and possibly waking her up to say 'I've stayed out longer'. He was thinking he'd go home when they finished except he got too pissed to sort that out.

If you want to make OP think her OP fucked someone then that's up to you.

Call me cynical, I’d be thinking one night stand…

He was pissed and not thinking straight.

That's what alcohol does. Especially when you binge drink infrequently.

He was drinking past 2am then replied to OP at 6am. Then she picked him up. Pissed.

He wasn't doing anything else other than what he said he was doing, being drunk and inept through drunkenness.

If OP wants to reconsider her marriage because of his binge-drinking that's up to her. But people implying there are holes in his story, wanting OP to think he was on drugs or fucking someone are unreasonable IMO when his story seems entirely realistic.

You are missing the point entirely...

People are pointing out that her partner's story is not holding up to scrutiny.

It is not just about someone having a night out with his friends which no one would criticise.

It is about a man who is very obviously lying about what happened to make him stay out all night.

Which is very, very different.

There is nothing 'controlling' or 'dramatic' about wondering why he did not message her to say he had missed the train or whether he really slept by a church when he had the option to try to get hold of one of his mates, walk into a hotel or simply take a taxi.

The OP is about to marry someone and she is right to want to make sure this is not going to be a big mistake.

If he cheated on her then she needs to know and call off the wedding. Again nothing 'dramatic' about that. Juts common sense.

OP said herself he had just been paid and could have got a taxi or a cheap hotel. So presumably a city big enough to have both of those?

Yeah, some people think that boozing is the be all and end all...

You're making things up that aren't in the OP.

Comprehension is a big problem on MN.

OP didn't say it was a big city. Just nearest city.

Last train was at 11.30pm. He was with a friend till 2am then went to another late night place. Knew there were no trains so wandered about and slept on a bench.

There'd be no taxis at the station at 2am and later, OPs DP also didn't say he was at the station at 6am when she text, just that he'd get the 1st train home but she picked him up still drunk at 6 something which since he was drinking till 3/4 maybe even later in a late night place seems obvious.

There are no holes and no evidence that anything happened other than what he said, he got pissed with a friend till 2am then went drinking at a late night place and then collapsed on a church bench and OP picked him up a couple of hours later.

Not stellar behaviour but that's what drinking for hours can do.

He replied to OPs text immediately so she didn't spend hours worrying about him, just a few minutes.

Absolutely this.

I don't see the big deal here, if he was comfortable getting his head down where he did and an early train, then that's cool.

The biggest thing that I find frustrating is the unfairness that he has this option open to him as a man in the summer, whereas as women we look at this as some life-threatening level of risk taking.

What a selfish idiot too, to put such a damper on your wedding which should be quite an exciting time, and instead put you through a lot of worry and anxiety over it. One could say that he didn't intend it or that he didn't realise it would have that effect.. but that just shows that he didn't consider you at all.

His story has holes. There would have been taxis near the station.
A big city station would have places to sit and wait for the train.
If you decide to wait for the first morning train.. why wander away from there? especially if you are ready to conk out.

I think you need to review again the times he's got plastered previously and work out how many times it was, or just how he is around drink in general and whether that appears concerning or not.

Also I know people think its mad to check out the churches ( you could easily do that online) but there's so little to go on that if it either helped confirme his story or shows that it wasn't at all likely, then Id take a peek.

Its so close to your wedding, it's not a normal routine time, so every bit of info would help. I think you are right to spend the next week thinking it over.

If his story is true then he has a drink problem.
That needs to be addressed before getting married or having a child. The only people I’ve known who did stuff like this when young were very clearly alcoholics as time went on.