To be so upset by DH comments?

I wondered that a few years on these drugs isn't good for your energy levels. I'd go back to the GP and look at other solutions one of which is exercise.

Jeez, do you really think this is at all helpful to OP who is feeling down and upset? Does she really need to add the worry that her husband is cheating on her on top everything else? After 20 years together and with young kids it's quote normal to hit a phase where you take each other a bit for granted and forget that life is more than just logistics. They need a shake up, but it's not helpful to start becoming suspicious.

OP, I do feel for you 🌷

Have you tried talking therapy? I was wondering if maybe this could be more effective in helping you regain your sense of self than anti depressants (or anti depressants alone)?
It might also help you with communication with your husband- it makes me feel sad reading your descriptions as he doesn’t sound like he’s always very kind and it sounds like you struggle to assert yourself or stand up for yourself?

Going out to see someone weekly/fortnightly would also be good practise for both you and your husband at him holding the fort and you doing something for yourself.

I would also suggest assigning an evening (a couple of evenings ideally) during the week where he gets back and takes over with kids and cooking dinner. This could be official self care time when you have a bath and read or do whatever you like to relax/feel yourself. A face mask, an exercise video, some gardening, whatever.

He could be cheating and this is way of making himself feel better about it by projecting his "guilt" onto you. If you've been married for 20+ years then you need to sit him down and say I'd feel better about myself if I had the time for leisure activities etc... you seem to prioritise his feelings over your own? Apologies if I am wrong. If you don't have a more honest conversation with him then things won't get better.

I think when having these discussions and him implying he doesn’t find her attractive, he could have done more to reassure her he loves her and will support her more

This with bells on.

But you said you could do this some evenings but don’t wish to?

I have had two episodes in my life where I have taken anti-depressents, they worked and I felt much better.
BUT I also found that when planning another baby and I began taken pre natal vitamins then pregnancy ones and then throughout breastfeeding I found they had the same effect, I felt sooooo much better on the vitamins so assume I was lacking in all sorts. I also had several blood tests where I was anaemic and had shockingly low vitamin D. I had to take tablets of 20000 units to get it back up. I literally felt reborn. I’m waffling but I would certainly get your levels checked and perhaps that is the reason for how you’re feeling, we aren’t always depressed or anxious as we are often labelled.

More recently I have taken up exercising, nothing intense just yet but I started with walking. I’ve always loved walking and did lots but the past 6 months I’ve been quite sedentary and eaten a lot of crap and I’ve actually gained some noticeable weight. I wasn’t happy so I stopped eating crap, far less sugar, swapped rubbish snacks like biscuits and chocolate for yoghurt and fruit or hummus and veg etc and consistently drunk water. THE DIFFERENCE! I am shocked. I only started end of May and I can’t believe it, my energy levels are up, my skin looks so much better and I’m already looking slimmer and toning back up. I also got myself some dumbbells (only 1kg and 3kg, nothing crazy) and I do a short arm workout most days (sometimes 10 mins, sometimes 20).

Honestly, on an evening, make yourself get up and go out for a brisk 20/30 minute walk and do it as often as you can. I’m now walking 45mins/1hr every single night and doing my home workouts. Once kids return to school I’m planning to check out my local gym classes and I’ve found a reformer Pilates place I want to try.

I know exactly what you mean about not having the energy, I have very challenging/draining circumstances at home so I have totally had to make myself do this and there’s times I just do not want to but the benefits have been so worth it.

I’ve even got myself a fitness watch to track everything and I love trying to beat my records etc.
please give it a go and I promise you’ll feel so much better, not even just for weight loss but I feel happier and brighter and far more positive! And do it for yourself not for your husband. It’s awful to feel unhappy but what I’ve done has really started to make a difference. Give it a go. You deserve ‘me time’ but you have to take it! Make yourself take it.

I agree this is worth looking into

When you say a week of silence from him do you mean he sulked for a week?
There's a few things that sound possible that he is actually an abusive partner you should leave op. Maybe you could give more examples of his behaviour.

For contrast my husband and I have both put on weight we are run ragged with young children. We both are still attracted to eachother and would never dream of putting each other down. We both agree that we'd like to focus on getting fitter. What that looks like for us is we will protect time for eachother. If we can't workout together in the evening we will take it in turns to have the children whilst the other exercises. No one is swanning off to the gym to leave the other one doing all of life on their own. We are a team.

Feel free to ignore this if its not relevant to you. Maybe your dh doesn't have social media.
My dh has chatted to so many friends/people at work who lost interest/attraction to their partners. The common denominator was they were consuming so much social media posts of fitness models/ ai women. (pornography too) they became dissatisfied with reality. Much in the same way if you spent all your time on rightmove looking at mansions your 4 bed semi detached might seem less exciting. Despite in reality being wonderful.So perspective can play a role in this.

Absolutely echo what other pp have said that your first port of call is to even up responsibilities and time off. I think you dh is unsupportive and selfish (at the very least.) I personally wouldn't find him attractive at all for how he is behaving.

People were always going to attack him op, and from what you’ve written. Rightfully so. You’ve described a selfish man who does nothing to support you, that you need to work and care for 3 kids, whilst he does as he pleases, and now he is horrible to uou about your weight. That you’ve mental health issues, but people will assume that’s as he’s treating you like some form of slave.

however is this the reality of the situation, if you wish help, then if it’s not, then it’s better to give a balanced view , if it is, then you need to end your marriage.

Perhaps he should do more around the house and you could spend some time relaxing or exercising. Perhaps meet with friends for a walk !

No wonder you are tired
You've been the skivvy for 20 years

If you had all the free time to faff about that he has, you probably be feeling pretty good

I said something similar but your response is so much more succinct.

Honestly it can be sitting in the car in a quiet lane scrolling on your phone!!

I was really really clear with my dh that my being too tired to go out means I need time off at home and if instead he thinks that means he’s free to go out, meaning I get more tired as all the parenting and housework is on me, then he’s a terrible husband and not a nice person. He did behave like that when I was on mat leave and it’s been really hard to move past.

Jesus Christ @Mamagonemad take your power back. Do not look to him for approval.
If you want to exercise then you need to cut into his free time. He has too much if he is able to exercise all the time.
Don't cower and grovel that you will be strict with yourself. You'll just continue to get disrespect and contempt from him.
Why you are on anti-depressants is obviously linked to you lack of support, care and love.
I bet your kids sense it, too.
Sending you support to be brave and stick up for yourself. 🩷

This is SUCH a great post.

From what you've written, it genuinely sounds to me like you dh hasn't been unkind but is genuinely worried about you and the relationship between you.

So many issues in relationships are caused, or at least exacerbated by couples not communicating. He has started the conversation, so why not lean into that and agree that you too are sad your relationship seems to have stagnated a bit, and perhaps make time for a conversation about what you'd like to change.

He will say I can go out in the evenings but by that time I’m knackered

Many of us have been there. I've had 3dc, and been out at work as well. I didn't come in from work, or picking up the dc thinking "I'm full of energy and would love to go out tonight" BUT I've always though it important to have some time when I'm not just 'Mum' or my work personna, so I made myself have one evening a week where I've done something for me. It is really invigorating. Doesn't have to be exercise (though that is great if you find something you like.... dancing maybe or something that doesn't feel like PE?.... it can be singing, or just a group where you chat about all and sundry. Doesn't matter, but it lifts the spirits and re-energises you.

You are run ragged.
He doesn't share the load does he?
You are working, children and the house.
No wonder you are overwhelmed.
He sounds like a lazy selfish arse.

What does he do to share the family load?
You need to find your anger.

He sounds like a selfish prick.