To be so upset by DH comments?

This sounds v familiar!! Firstly - don’t try to get to the bottom of what he thinks here, that might drive you mad, this is an opportunity to get to the bottom of what you think. Which is that youre fecking exhausted. See the doc! They put me on HRT (blood test came back with nothing but nowadays clued up GPs don’t diagnose on blood tests for hormones that fluctuate wildly even in one day but on symptoms). My doc also doubled the Sertraline just on the weeks between ovulation and menstruation, and both have helped. Next thing is what do you need. Help around the house, proper rest, and something for YOU that builds your confidence. Talk to your husband about this and tell him that you need his support and help in this, as the balance is unhealthy and draining you, and in time it will grow resentment which you want to avoid. Then PLAN in you time - maybe in the morning if you’re too tired by evening. Regular expected slots for you. Sat afternoon meets ups with friends. Things that give you a break before you’re broken and don’t enable him to back out of house responsibilities. The exercise to feel strong and fit will come in time, as will intimacy, but these should not be the leaders - these should happen as symptoms of YOU feeling better about time and energy for yourself and a better balance in the home lifting. It’s time for you to communicate YOUR needs to your husband, the rest will follow, but this is so important. Well done you for a part time job, birthing and raising three kids, and being lovely and considerate. Now is the time to dream for yourself and the rest will follow xxx

Exactly, she isnt his manager or project manager. Get him to write a list of his share of the household stuff that needs doing and tell him to pick which days he is going to do these things.

OP you are perfectly sufficient. I am sure you are cracking but life and your dh's fucking laziness have worn you down.

I think you need to find a more even devision of labour in the family. So, you have more time for yourself.

Re "If he did more around the house then it wouldn’t necessarily have to be late evening. It could be over dinner time etc. Also I’d feel less overwhelmed and more likely to have the energy." Please do tell your dh this.

Make a choice not to assume your dh doesn't find you attractive. Work on your self esteem. I agree with others one dress size is not a big issue.

You have had three babies, and are caring for three kids. That can take it's toll on the body. Make time for yourself. Get your husband on board. It would be easy to think your husband is a selfish pig, and he might be, but also it might be you have both fallen into roles. He works full-time and keeps fit, and you work part-time and do everything else. That is not fair.

I suspect this is more about your selfish exploitative husband than your weight.

Ouch his comment was probably even worse than what you thought he meant initially.
FWIW you can still be overweight / larger but still very attractive. Do you still make an effort to be presentable even at a weight you’re not comfortable with? Or have you given up completely, not wearing make up, not doing hair and dressing in whatever?
( I know it’s hard when you feel uncomfortable in your body to want to do these things but does make all the difference to the outside world)

He wants and has received: leisure time and for you to do most of his share of parenting & domestic work.

He now wants you to: return to the weight you were and frequency of sex you had before you were doing his share. And is making nasty, negging comments.

His wants are unfair and sexist.

Fortheloveoffrogs

yes I possibly phrased it wrong but actually going passive aggressive and asking that way might be a win😉😅

Can you prioritise doing something for yourself in the morning, a strength training/body pump class? Everything else will always be there. I absolutely prioritise getting some exercise or fresh air every day. I am much happier for it and you literally cant buy good health. Being tired with young children is normal people used to say to me how do you do it, I just get on the treadmill and start running was my response. My husband is fab but most men will take the p* if you let them. We have definitely had words about his priorities etc but letting him not support you in this area isn’t helping your marriage is it?

‘Can someone put the rubbish out?’ - meaning her DH? 😂

I agree - morning might be the way forward - although only if she doesn’t have to come back and still do ‘ALL THE THINGS’.

Carve out time in the mornings and have him take on the morning childcare / house work?

Daisywhatsyouranswer
But you said you could do this some evenings but don’t wish to?

Thats the enigma of the daily grind, you want a break so everyone says ‘how about you get out more?’ but you’re on the floor exhausted or you come home to the worst mess so you stay home where there’s always something that needs to be done, and someone asking for something or they essentially put a timer on you and do the ‘tiptoe around while mammy gets a rest’ but someone is saying ‘when is she done?’ or ‘do you mind if I go here in an hour!’ so you’re on a timer!!! And then they say

you need morning stuff op, a morning walk, a hair appointment, a lie in with a book, a long shower. Water and sleep! And you need to use the words ‘can someone put the rubbish out? Can everyone take the sheets off their beds?’ Etc etc. including your dh so ‘could you just go do x or y?’

Totally agree with the poster above. Your 'd'h is the issue. If you shared the load equally and had equal leisure time, would you still feel as low as you do? Would you have time to eat well and exercise and come back to a size you're more comfortable with? I'm guessing the answer is yes. I am so sick of reading on here about men who happily let their wives suffer to give themselves an easy life. You deserve better.

NO! He shouldn’t need a list. He doesn’t need a list at work. He’s competent. He needs to step up.

OP please read or listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. It’s a short easy listen/read.

Then get him to.

You don’t have a weight problem. You don’t have a mood problem. You have a useless husband problem. You should both have equal self care and leisure time.

If the above book doesn’t shift the balance to a more equal partnership then you might be better off without him.

He should make you feel cherished.

I have to say that I feel quite angry with him. He’s used your free labour (childcare for his kids, cleaning the house he lives in, probably cooking for him, doing his laundry, washing his pots) etc and you are worn out (do keep pushing the peri journey with the GP btw) and too tired to get out and do anything. Your body is showing the stress and he’s judging you for it rather than caring for you. My guess is he works, exercises, sees friends and ‘helps’ around the house.

The thing that his hobbies/exercise represent is a freedom you don’t have. You prioritise DC and family life. What would happen if you took up a new hobby?

Watch The Becky Eckle on SM and help yourself to stand back from it.

Well, automatically doubling a dose of antidepressants doesn’t seem like good doctoring to me. A few enquires into why the original dose isn’t working would suit me better.

However, to your second point there, Would using a period tracker or something to measure your husbands input into family life vs your mood show anything interesting? There wouldn’t be a correlation, would there?

It's fairly normal for women to gain weight in perimenopause - a combination of lower estrogen, and the stress (cortisol) of that life stage. I think your husband is NOT a prince among men for criticising you for being a normal perimenopausal woman. Also, your stress (cortisol) might be lower if you had time to rest and if your husband wasn't making negative remarks about your body.

Why does your husband get to go out to exercise while you spend all your energy on the mundane tasks of serving the family? Maybe he should be the one to stay home and look after everyone's needs in the evenings and YOU should go get to go out to the gym??? Or, how about you exercise in the mornings, when you have the most energy, and just rest in the evenings? Would you need childcare to do that? Sounds like your husband might have to consent to you both paying for some childcare in the mornings so you can look after your body!

Re exercising, I understand you are tired but exercise is truly necessary to set you up for a healthy older age. My favorite guru on women's health is Dr. Stacy Sims. You can look up lots of her videos on youtube. The short answer is you probably don't need to do as much exercise as you think, but you do need to be lifting weights to set yourself up for a healthy menopause. It needs to take some priority in your life. The children will be ok even if they don't do an activity after school every single weekday, but if you are having falls when you are 60 because you didn't do strength-training in your 30s, 40s, and 50s, then your whole family will suffer.

Your house work split isn’t fair to you. You are effectively doing two jobs whilst he does 1.

What housework does he so on his days off?

On his day off he should do the cleaning and cooking. Give him a list if you have to but leave the house, go for a walk, go to the gym.

It’s time to prioritise yourself. Tell DH you are doing this and what is required of him to facilitate:

e.g. book yourself in at the hairdressers, tell DH he will need to watch the kids Saturday 2-5pm.

Have a long shower/ bath, shave or wax everywhere, put on your favourite body lotion or fake tan, DH will need to do bedtime/ bath time/ dinner that night.

Do you wear make-up/ use skin care/ have perfume? If not, now is the time to get yourself a few bits, if necessary ask DH to pay as an early bday/ Xmas gift. He can’t possibly refuse, because after all this is what he wanted, and looking nice requires time and money.

Lots of women in perimenopause are incorrectly prescribed anti depressants. Blood tests aren’t conclusive in perimenopause as your hormones can change from hour to hour.

At peak peri, if I hadn’t been for my 8yo I couldn’t have gone on. I was fobbed off by my GP who said at 40 I was too young and come back when my periods changed.

I got a second opinion and so pleased because HRT has been literally life changing.

Hope I’ve not derailed the topic but I wish I’d have known that if you think you’re in peri, you probably are.

If you believe they don't work for anyone then no one is comfortable telling you how bad their depression is without them! From the sounds of it you'd be shocked.

Some of the conversation doesnt make sense but ultimately I suppose he is saying you've let yourself go a bit

And for those saying 1 dress size doesnt make much of a difference, it certainly does, it means your clothes dont fit, you're busting out of them, its uncomfortable, you feel bloated, have bits of flesh where you didnt before

Im in the same boat, I need to get back to the size I was last year and determined to make some changes. Its very hard.

I agree, he needs to step up and be a partner instead of playing the teenage boy that is free to go and do as he likes

he needs to start on the mental load and doing half the housework

then maybe you'll want to have sex with him rather than the teenage boy you have to look after (who wants to be mother in bed)

Then ask him to make dinner? Can I ask gently does this feeling also occur during term time, how many days a week do you work?

Well she’s married, most people want their spouse to think they are attractive.

Does being attractive matter to you? Or does it only matter because it matters to your DH? I think knowing where you stand personally on this queston will help you think about it with a clearer mind.

I stopped caring about being attractive about twelve years ago. Now I aspire be clean, well-groomed, and well-dressed, but I have no interest in attracting anybody.

You should have a conversation with him about changing the child-load and house-work load to free up some time for you to go to the gym.