To be so upset by DH comments?

Moot point. If he was pulling his weight, she wouldn’t be burnt out and neglecting her own self care. She can easily lose 11 stone of weight by paying about £500 to file for divorce.

Fuck the ‘outside world’. You are missing the fact that the reason she’s not got the ooompf to look after herself is because HE doesn’t take in his equal share. She had a husband problem, not a looks problem.

2 stone is more than a dress size, isn't it?

I don't see why you should make an effort if you are tired. Perhaps he could take on some childcare and domestic work instead of tending to his body? Tell him you don't have any 'me time' and he has lots, so he has to give up some 'him time' e.g. cook dinner, look after DC in the evenings while you out to the gym or down the pub if that's what you want (the walk might lose some weight, the beer won't!). He is selfish and then blames you for a situation which he is causing. Tell him so, the useless malcontent.

Honestly it sounds like he's checking out and preemptively rewriting history.

OP I think by you asking that question he’s been put in a lose lose situation. There was no right answer!

Take away the positives he says he is missing being affectionate so he obviously misses that intimacy and is attracted to you. Him saying he didn’t think YOU cared anymore isn’t the same as him saying he doesn’t care. He’s worded everything horrifically and insensitively of course.

However from what you’ve said it is the bottom of your priorities due to all the other things you’ve listed. Sit down and tell him why it’s a struggle and try to prioritise managing the mental load from the kids etc tk get some energy back. Once you start it will give you the happy hormone boost etc and you’ll get into it.

Then tell him you're going to start going out to the gym at 5 every other day (or however many days he gets to go do his hobby) and he's in charge until you get back. "Between 5 and 7 I cook everyone's dinner, wash the pots, clean the kitchen, put a load of washing on, do homework and get everyone brushing their teeth and in their pjs. You need to do it all otherwise there's no point in me trying to improve myself. We both agree I'm not looking after myself enough and neither of us like it. We as a team need to make the time for me to do that the same way WE make the time for you to go to the gym."

Ps, are all 3 of your children in school? And how many hours do you work?

What is he doing to make himself attractive to you?

Does he cook?
Does he clean?
Does he initiate anything with the children without your presence or prompting?
Does he do 50%?

Go on strike at home, and that includes the mental load.

Dumping him would be a very quick way to lose a useless few stones.

You should have free equal time.
He should give up some of his free time so you can have some!!!
Hes a twat

I've had similar conversations with my husband. I've said to him "do you think it's ok if I don't wear makeup to this thing?" And he'd get a little shitty. Which is weird as he doesn't like a lot of makeup we ended up talking about it as I felt like he was saying "you don't look ok without makeup on". Turned out he felt like I was saying "it's ok if I don't make an effort isn't it?". He doesn't mind whether I wear makeup, he does care that I care. He has a particular turn off /concern with women who've given up after seeing his friends mum neglect him as a child while depressed. He gets similarly triggered if I'm in bed during the daytime for similar reasons.

I think your husband was pretty clear - he doesn't think you're not attractive (altho you seem to have taken that as the feedback) - he thinks you've stopped caring about being attractive. Do you brush your hair? Wash properly? Trim your nails? Change out of lounge wear? These things are all hard to do when you're chronically depressed so I'm not blaming you if you don't, but I think your husband is expressing concern at the state of your mental health, not your weight.

Your H is a useless prick.

Tell him you'd find him more attractive if he pulled his weight with the housework, parenting and mental load.

He's a lazy bastard who wants you to do everything and still rock up looking like a sex goddess. FUCK THAT!!!

He didn't say you were always unattractive to him. You projected that on him. And when you asked that question you were fishing for a negative answer to reinforce your poor self esteem.

How would you feel if you told someone you felt like they didn't make much an effort and there wasn't enough affection, and at the time they didn't really respond. Then weeks later they raised the subject in bed but twisted it round to ask if you thought they were hideous all the time, or just wearing certain clothing?

ec5881
"This sounds v familiar!! Firstly - don’t try to get to the bottom of what he thinks here, that might drive you mad, this is an opportunity to get to the bottom of what you think.'

Thus excellent advice, work out what you think.

And...

"Next thing is what do you need. Help around the house, proper rest, and something for YOU that builds your confidence. Talk to your husband about this ..."

And

"It’s time for you to communicate YOUR needs to your husband, the rest will follow, but this is so important. Well done you for a part time job, birthing and raising three kids, and being lovely and considerate. Now is the time to dream for yourself and the rest will follow."

• great advice too.

Being confident and knowing what you need can be very appealing. I sincerely hope yoir husband will jump on board.

Start going out and leaving the kids with him so he gets less time to exercise.

My husband is a cyclist and he worked long hours evenings, weekends and it was just kind of taken for granted that if he ever did get a Sunday off for example he’d be off gallivanting on his bike and I’d yet again be in with the kids. He used to go on at me about exercise, although to be fair not my size or attractiveness

Pricks

Totally spot on…..you need some free time my love…and that’s a very small ask from you !! X

Why is he not doing more at home?

1. Talk to your doctor and consider whether medication needs changing and ask about HRT.
2. Your husband needs to do more at home both physcally and by taking responsibility and organising certain things
3. Why does he get to make you feel bad? Why shouldn't he feel bad about being a selfish husband? Why should be a dress size bigger matter but not doing a fair share of domestic labour and not taking care of your partner be acceptable?
4. Take that sense of outrage at the unfairness and take it to couples therapy where you learn to say "I don't find you attractive when you treat me like a housekeeper and do not show me respect"
5. You need to carve out time for yourself in the mornings. Your husband needs to plan and execute one morning per week to start with. A weekday or a weekend, whatever works for you. You are going to go out at 7 or 8 am, whatever works for you. But not the gym for some sense of punishing yourself for not being a size 8. Just out. Wherever. A cafe for breakfast. A walk with a friend. A walk on your own. A haircut. A swim. Get used to the concept of time for yourself but not in a way that is a "punishment" for being slightly larger than you uses to be. Everyone gets used to this. You start doing two mornings per week. Perhaps that then involves some exercise but because you want to, not because you must suffer

Well, seems like you have the green light to prioritise time for self care. I would suggest a gym membership with classes included, and book sessions which start right after/ around dinner. Let him do the bedtime routine while you go to the gym for a class or a session in the sauna.

I would suggest at minimum 2x per week

You will always get people on here saying ‘my dh finds me attractive whether I’m 8 stone or 18 stone’ but I I think if we’re honest, most men do not find overweight women attractive. Men will say this to be nice and respectful, and to not be unkind. Which is lovely. But please don’t pretend that most husbands are really okay with it. Because they’re not. One dress size does make a difference. I’ve been there when I was size 16 and then went up to 18 after my DCs were born. It’s very obvious on photos. I’m a 14 now, but have to work hard to keep at 14. I think though that OPs dh was a bit clumsy and tactless in how he said what he wanted to say, but it’s healthy surely for a couple to be open and honest rather than keep quiet and just check out eventually.

How old are you? If it's peri then ADs won't be the solution long-term and many GPs are dismissive and prescribe ADs

Will the children be back at school soon and will you have free time then? Restoring your health isn't short time, it will take a little while and focus on yourself. Could you get away for a weekend, solo?

Tell him he's not body beautiful himself but you wouldn't hurt his feelings by saying so

Sexiest thing he can do is take the domestic tasks away from you and do them properly.

If he can't see that, then he is only thinking about himself and his needs, not you, your needs and supporting the children.

God the audacity of this man. His request that you - do most of the domestic work, also do paid work, and most childcare and (I imagine all the emotional admin) and (assunption) whilst he exercises and has his me-time you manage the kids and home. Now, he also wants you to be pretty for him, in a way that works aesthetically for him.

Had he said "I notice you're not your usual self, and your mh isn't great and I wonder if you need more space and time to focus on healthy habits - how do I help you" then that comes from a place of care for your overall wellbeing. He isn't saying that though, he's saying "make an effort for my eyes".

It's up to you how you move forward, but you'd have 50% of your life back if you weren't married anymore and he shared custody. Then you'd have every other week totally free to do whatever you wish. He'd not be able to go for a run or to the gym though, because he'd have to care for his children a hell of a lot more than he currently does. Or, if he actually wants to support you, he could pick up more at home and with the kids, help you find exercise that helps, meal-plan healthy recipes and cook them for you/the family etc etc

I agree with this completely. You need to feel good and you don’t. I would hope it’s more about you not taking care of your whole self not your weight.