To be so upset by DH comments?

I'm hoping that somewhere out there, the husband is posting his side of the story on an 'Am I The Asshole?' chat. Yes sir, you absolutely are, albeit possibly unawares (bc let's face it, not all partners are very good at empathy and are a bit f*ing ignorant about what their other halves are putting in whilst they polish their Stravas).

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. I'm really sorry. Please accept this virtual hug. Xxx

But it'll be a comfortable 16.

This ⬆️

You’re never unreasonable to have feelings. If you’re upset, you’re upset.
If you don’t feel he’s being clear enough, ask him to clarify.
You don’t have to put yourself down in the process of asking him either.
He’s your husband , the father of your kids. if you don’t feel like you’re pulling equal weight at home you can say this too.
Just be direct.

Are you kidding?

after a week of pretty much silence from him, DH told me that he felt sad about our lack of affection, and felt I didn’t make an effort anymore, etc.

Giving someone the silent treatment, then telling them they aren't shaping up to your idea of a happy relationship, would be a strange way of showing concern for them, wouldn't it?

In reality, it sounds a lot like "You aren't giving me hot sex, you're inadequate". It's a depressingly common refrain from men whose wives run their lives for them.

The advice to restructure the family schedule remains the same, OP. If you're too worn down to feel sexy, fix that first.

If he wants you to put more effort into your appearance he should be good enough at providing that he can afford a PT for you, and if he wants you to be more attractive he should be able to afford skin clearing peels, tweaks (not for everyone, but definitely for the women he is looking at and comparing you to) expensive hair treatments and nicer clothes so you can look how more manufactured women look. If he can't comfortably afford this, he can't afford what he wants.

You're a size 12 with 3 kids, you're not a horrible whale or anything just tired from raising kids I'm guessing. He should be in tremendous shape to be asking anything of you after you went through childbirth three times for him, not just average dad who jogs shape.

It's a very hurtful comment to say that you have essentially let yourself go. You can ask the question but he doesn't have to be so tactless. Just start taking time on weekends, even if this means he has to exercise less. Men are very comfortable being a bit selfish and you need to get comfortable with it too.

Not necessarily. I've lost 2 stone recently and it's not even been a full dress size. Was a 16-18 and I'm now a 16. Woop.

So you do most of the house work and childcare and have taken on more work. And now he's got you promising to be more affectionate (we all know what thats code for) and to lose weight?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

I’m really, really struggling to understand how you didn’t lose your shit with him.

You work part time, you’ve just taken extra work on, you do the majority of the housework and child care for three young children and you’re suffering with depression, anxiety and peri-menopause. He’s going out to work and then spending as much time as he likes exercising. And he’s whining that you don’t look like some glam dolly bird and he isn’t getting as much sex as he’d like???? I’m fucking outraged on your behalf. What an absolute fucking arsehole your ‘D’ husband is. How dare he have the audacity to complain about your appearance or energy levels when he’s dumped the responsibility for 95% of family life on your shoulders?

When is he thinking that you have the time to fit in this fitness regime? Would it be the first time you’ve had a chance to sit down all day? Or is he taking the easiest of the three children out for a bike ride and thinking you can do an aerobics session, get rid of all body hair below the neck and be waiting for him in the bedroom in a little silky number by the time he gets back? More sex? He’s lucky he’s not getting fucking divorce papers!

Sit him down, tell him that he’s absolutely right; you have been neglecting yourself because you have put making his life easier over and above your own welfare, so that ends now. From now on, the second he gets home, he’s responsible for 50% of childcare. He can forget about his nightly exercise because he’ll need to be doing his share of caring for his children so you can get down the gym too, the way he does. All leisure time is going to be equal from now on. And you aren’t going to be doing the majority of the housework either. You might work part time, but his day finishes at 6pm. So your day will too. Tell him you find men who do the ironing incredibly sexy and it’s about time he pulled his socks up in that department because you aren’t going to want to have sex with someone who you have to wait on hand and foot, like a fourth child.

Find your anger. He’s not looked at you and how hard you’re working for your family and thought to himself that he must make sure you get time for yourself as well as him and your DC. No, he’s looked at you and thought that you aren’t making much of an effort to ensure he’s sexually satisfied. He needs the riot act reading to him!

I think you need to go easier on yourself, you have depression & anxiety & thats probably affecting things. I don’t think your husband said anything too bad there, but he did indicate that you don’t seem to care which fits with depression/being exhausted.

You need to make yourself feel better about yourself so as others say, you need me time & to look after yourself. I’d really recommend going outside for a wall. 5/10 mins here and there and build it where you can.

I’d also ask the drs for a medication review. Re the exhaustion, whats your diet like? Eating leas junk can give more energy. Ask the dr to check your vitamin D levels too

hope is not lost OP, you just need to take the horse by the reigns and take control

Who looked after the kids?

Sometimes going to the gym when you're knackered does kind of sort it. Even when the dc were little. I'm up at 6 every morning and usually home from work around 6. Work is full on and I often bring more home. But my gym nights and, to a lesser extent, my running nights, are things I do whether i feel like it or not. It used to be easier to do a 630a.m class then go straight to work when dc were young, but then, I was late 30s and could do it.

To be honest though, it's food that makes the difference. I've done more exercise over the last 6 weeks than term time, but I've put on weight because I've been grazing. And drinking. A few years ago I had an injury that stopped all exercise. I was the slimmest I've ever been because I was v conscious that I couldn't eat as much.

Can't RTFT but disagree with much of what I have read. I see a 'DH problem'.

You didn't need anxiety meds or antidepressants before the kids. You have been feeling overwhelmed for years b/o the kids. You need to heal yourself from that overwhelm, not 'be strict with yourself' to lose weight so your husband likes you.

He sounds like an unsympathetic egocentric prick tbh. What is he doing to help against the overwhelm? How about he knocks off exercising and helps at home?

Be kind to yourself OP.

Yes this.

It doesn't sound like she feels comfortable to even speak to him. He is emotionally switched off so that is suspicious. There is no harm in her asking. His response would be the game changer.

If he exercises who is making the time for him to do that?? Is it you?
You say you do not have time, do you want to exercise perhaps for your wellbeing and health rather then losing weight? If you do want to have a go at being active, (i hated exercise) walk places and do gentle exercise first. If you want to swim, swim twice a week, if you want to go to a gym, go to a gym. Make it happen. As for the conversation with your husband I think he was tactless but its a delicate conversation and I think your self confidence needs building.

Sounds like a classic division of labor issue and he gets to spend a lot of time on himself. I'd start setting aside time out of the week to focus on yourself, even if it means he has to step up in the evenings or weekends. Don't do it for him, do it for yourself, especially as you have talked about feeling depressed, etc.

Forget the weight for now. For now, I would just focus on spending some time on hair, clothes, etc. I often feel better when I spend just 10 minutes making myself look better.

Also, a daily walk can do wonders for mood and weight. So you tell him you are doing this for your physical and mental well being. If housework slides as a result, let it, or let HIM do it for a change. You make it part of the new weekly schedule so you BOTH get time for self-care.

Too high a dose can increase depression, or at least mimic the feelings of depression. There is also some research that long term use increases suicide. It's a balancing act to get them right and I don't think doctors are that bothered as a general rule.

Anyone who is on them and not doing ok should go back to the GP until can get them right, or try something else. Anti-d's mask the issue, not fix it too, they should be used with therapy.

It sounds to me like you've lost yourself and are only seeing your worth in relation you husband and your role as wife and mother whereas he sees himself as the protagonist in his own story. It's SO HARD to carve out time for yourself when you're exhausted and struggling with your mental health. My DP is also active and always encouraging me to work out etc and he simply CANNOT see that the juggle is far harder for me in my role of working mum, partner than it is for him. The difference though is he wouldn't make me feel like shit like your DH has. If you can I'd highly recommend therapy. It helped me see that I needed to push my needs to the forefront. No one else is going to. Start with one immoveable thing a week that you do for you.

3 children. Nearly all the housework and childcare is on you. And you also work part time with more hours recently.

No wonder you feel blue. I don't think this is a weight issue, I think this is a mix of lack of support from hubby (physically helping and his attitude towards you) and losing yourself issue. Being mum to three children, doing most of the housework etc as well as working is bloody exhausting.

He needs to do more than allow you to go out in the eve. He needs to step up on all of it, take some of the weight off your shoulders permanently. He also needs to make you feel lovely, the mother of his children, his wife and recognise that you're feeling blue and on anti-d's - and for goodness sake not ever make comments on your weight.

Your DH is buying his exercise and fitness at the expense of yours. Children and household care are work even if unpaid and you've said youve picked up more paid work too. Has he picked up more household or parenting to balance or are you trying to do even more and this is running you ragged? There needs to be fully equal leisure time so you can start focusing on yourself and your mental health. Sending much love 💕

He works but does little else - couldn’t he do his fair share to free up time for her to do more self care?

You work part time, are the kids in school … can’t you exercise after drop off time?

It seems to me that your dh needs to realise that he needs to give in order to get.

By that I mean by taking a fairer share of responsibility at home, as others have said and by doing things which help you feel valued. Actually looking to see where he could help, giving you little treats WITHOUT wanting any reward, eg more sex, from you.

You sound very down. I have a great deal of experience with depressive illness and know what a terrible slog it can feel just to keep going. You need care and acknowledgement from him as well as doing all you can for yourself, as others have suggested, manicure, meeting a friend for coffee, getting yourself selfcare treats such as nice handcream. My go to is earrings. Not expensive but lovely.

Be well, you ARE WORTH IT. Believe that.