DD going Vegan

It’s either “my house, my rules” or a time to sit down with your daughter, talk about food and menu plan. I know what I’d do.

My youngest declared he would no longer be eating meat after sitting with the militant vegetarians on the coach on the way home from the year 6 residential. I could easily have brushed this off, but how could I expect respect from him if I didn’t set a good example of giving him the same respect. I didn’t think he’d last, but 15 years later, he’s still vegetarian, having shunned Haribo sweets and the like along the way. As a family we’ve tended to go for the lowest common denominator on the food front and were all eating vegan food for most of lockdown, thanks to my daughter. To be fair, there wasn’t much else to do except spend a lot of time cooking at that time. Depends on your daughter’s reasons for wanting to follow a vegan diet, but there’s no harm in eating predominantly vegan food with the odd bacon butty or cheese omelette from time to time if the fancy takes her.

PS. My vegan daughter met the love of her life, who is a meat eater, and she’s now back on the pork pies.

Is DP this much of a prick in other areas of life?

My mistake- not for brain development. But for other areas.

I would be looking at WHY your Dd has decided this is she active / interested in animal welfare and / or environmental issues in any other context?

Her pickiness and not-eating: is there any suspicion that this is an ED? She’s the vulnerable age group and people often use being vegan / clean eating (orthorexia) to mask an eating disorder.

OR is it a reaction to your DP’s control over food , cooking and maybe other aspects of her life? That he is not her Dad is very telling. And his attitude and response is unacceptable, IMO. Is this her teen rebellion? A subconscious refusal of his rules?

So?

It's been addressed. OP has responded on it. She's aware. Does every responder need to go in with a sledgehammer?

@dilema12 Please be fully aware of your partner's propensity towards controlling behaviour. You have the power to end the relationship if this gets out of control, and that would be my recommended course of action.

This is prevalent in our family as well. Because adolescence is an important time for laying down bone density and growing, I would be tempted to say ok you can be vegan IF you supplement. I’m not vegan myself but I have several friends who went vegan or were vegan and had to stop. One went vegan from being veggie and only lasted 3 months before she had to reintroduce dairy and eggs, and another was vegan for twelve years, even her dogs were vegan, and told me she became so ill she nearly died (her words) so she was now “back on the steaks”.

I think it can be hard to get the full range of nutrients on a vegan diet (not impossible) and my friends’ experiences make me wonder if it’s even harder than I thought. They weren’t inexperienced or lacked information, but it didn’t suit them.

You need to reach a detente with your partner on how this is going to work. It takes some goodwill from the main cook for there to be swaps or DD cook her own meals in "his" kitchen. Otherwise he will just cook food that secretly has meat or dairy in it, and/ or stuff she cannot eat.

I used to keep a stash of veggie alternatives batch cooked, like Bolognese, eat veggie as a family a few nights and do easy swaps like veggie sausages the rest. At 14 she can expect to step up on the cooking for one, and I would expect her to be cooking a proper meal for herself, not just always sausage and chips, a couple of nights a week.

Buy a small one person air fryer - I think ours was £30 from Robert Days. Also 250ml silicone freezer cubes are brilliant for batch cooking for one. They look expensive for what they are but they transformed batch cooking for my ADHD student daughter.

but a minority.

I really think you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

You have a controlling partner (what other ways is he throwing his weight around?) and a daughter who isn't eating her dinner (prepared by questionable stepdad) and wants to further restrict her food. You're not worried because she's "not thin" but you're missing the point that eating disorders are about control and unhappiness, not being skinny, even though it looks like that from the outside.

I would be very interested in hearing your daughter's perspective on what impact this man has had on her life.

My good friend is vegan and sometimes it can be a PITA so much so that I am delighted when they was unable to attend a party I am hosting.
It's not the food but the cooking. They do not allow the the food to come in contact with anything that might have been in contact with meat. Eating out is a nightmare as they interrogate waiting staff if the kitchen uses vegetarian stock etc. I keep quiet but it's a bit of a farce I mean unless customers personally inspect the kitchen who's to know?
Please discourage your DD from being this strict it's really trying for those around them.

I thought your dp didn't allow anyone but himself?

In any case you turning into a short order cook is the worst possible outcome. Kid's 14, so a good time to get involved in family food prep anyway. Ideally you'd get her to take turns at doing some veggie meals (stews, casseroles) for the whole family to be complemented with meat for you and substitutes of her choice for her.

Yeah, that's been addressed here by the folks too.

My SIL and DSD are vegan and honestly it’s an utter pain. The amount of food which has animal products in it is crazy. Think things like bread! You spend an awful lot of time looking at ingredient lists whilst shopping!

Then there are the meals. Unless she is happy to eat a lot of UPF vegan takes time to meal plan and prepare. My DSD had to go back to being vegetarian after a few years due to deficiencies and was advised to do so by her gp. So in order to get all your nutrients especially as a young female it’s going to take some serious thought.

We are happy to eat vegan on the occasions they are here but if they stay for an extended time it really is a lot of work.

Folks do you not understand that the posted problem (child going vegan) is not the problem here? Its a non parent trying to enforce his wishes in the child regarding who can and cannot use the kitchen

I'd recommend googling Nourishing Amy. Excellent recipe ideas.

To meet her nutritional needs as a vegan she's going to have to get less fussy quickly.

I grew up in a vegan household and meeting the nutritional needs of growing teenagers is very difficult (my mum did it incredibly well).

Unless you intend for her to eat loads of processed crap?

Is it really? I must have subconsciously absorbed it as I can't stand the usual responses!

Agree with this.
I think its important that you focus her on what new foods she's going to add in as a vegan, not on the ones she's going to leave out.
So rather than conversations about what she can't have, it's conversation about what she must have.
Its easy to fall into a trap of trying to keep to your usual diet, but simply missing out the non vegan things, which can end up with a limited range of accidently vegan foods or substitutes, which won't meet her needs.
Becoming vegan from a health perspective isn't restriction, its change, opening yourself up to new foods. Rather than starting with available food and accepting or rejecting it, it's starting with what your body needs and consciously seeking it out from plant sources.
If she isn't on board with that, and is only interested in not eating things, then I'd be concerned.

What exactly are your qualifications to back this up?? I have a doctorate in psychology and do neuropsychological testing in my job so I know quite a bit about the brain. I'd really love to hear if you actually do know more than me and could perhaps cite some high quality research.

Animal fats are not necessary for brain development, and in fact saturated fats (which largely come from animal products) can contribute to clogged blood vessels which can lead to strokes and dementia later in life. Omega 3 - which you can get from algae, iron, iodine, vit D and B12 are important, and can be lacking in vegan diets without supplementation. Vegans and vegetarians are less likely to be overweight, which is one of the main health problems affecting people in this country.

The fact that she’s picky and not been eating much lately plus her age could suggest this restriction js about more than ethics. I used vegetarianism as a shortcut into restrictions for anorexia when I was that age.

Keep a close eye on her other behaviours and weight OP in case it’s the start of something less ethical and more psychological.

Yes I think you're doing great to support her. It's probably one of the best things she can do for her lifetime health. Please make sure to give her b12 supplements, and vitamin D even if she's having fortified milks.

Maybe hubby could try branching out and trying vegetarian/vegan alternatives instead if he's so concerned about everyone eating exactly the same thing rather than putting two separate trays of meat/ veggie sausages in the oven!

Tough. It's not just his house. Controlling prick.

I vote with everyone else, buy the food and she cooks for herself.

Lots of people are commenting about being vegetarian, but the leap from vegetarian to vegan is way bigger than from meat eating to vegetarian imo. Vegetarian is easy, just don't eat meat and fish. Veganism takes out major sources of easy nutrition in the form of eggs and dairy, plus all the everyday things that contain them, so its essential to be well educated on what your body needs and what plant based food provide them.
I'm not trying to be discouraging, but I do think it's important not to underestimate it and go in with eyes open. Particularly as your DD isn't a good eater. If you don't prepare well, then there is a risk she'll eat less, skip meals, because there's 'nothing I can eat'.
Why not try introducing healthy plant based meals first, then gradually reduce animal products until she's phased them out altogether rather than a cliff edge?

Stand up for your DD, and stand up for yourself! An unrelated tyrant man should not be dictating what DD eats and whether she can cook in the kitchen. You've had lots of good practical advice here for how to manage a vegan diet, so let her crack on with it. And make sure your DP accepts that this is how things are going to be in the future. Good luck!

Being vegan is really common today, and my daughter chose to be vegetarian aged 8 (her Dad and I are both long term vegetarians so it wasn’t surprising).

However-my daughter decided to become vegan and it turned out to be related to orthorexia and she developed a very serious eating disorder which lasted years and on occasions became life threatening and required in patient intervention.

She is recovered now and is vegetarian.