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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd, boyfriend and flat purchase

137 replies

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:42

Dd has been renting with her boyfriend. She has told me they have discussed getting engaged next year. Out of the blue he was bought a beautiful flat in London by his family, and wants dd to move there with him. She would be paying rent for a finite period of time to cover certain costs.

My AIBU is that I feel if they plan to get engaged shortly, surely they should be buying together? We would have helped with a small deposit and dd earns as much as he does, if not more. I’m delighted for her boyfriend who I love, but also want DD to get onto the property ladder.

OP posts:
Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 18:07

neilyoungismyhero · 28/08/2026 18:04

He didn't buy the flat.

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Ah yes I missed that detail. He'd have been mad to have turned down the offer of a flat! And his family would want to protect their investment (and it may not even be in his name).

If I was OP's daughter I'd enjoy the reduced rent in what is likely a nicer property than their current property and save my own investments (whether that's property, or stocks & shares etc)

Yello24 · 28/08/2026 18:07

I don’t get it. She gets to live somewhere nicer than she can afford and will pay out less than it would cost her living on her own. I’ll call your bluff. How about she refuses to move in and ‘gets on the ladder’ herself instead. See where that gets her.
Sounds sensible to me. He has a great flat. She gets to live in it for reduced rent. So she’s not taking the piss while they work out whether they want to pool resources. He’s not stopping her doing anything.

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 18:04

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 18:00

She’ll never be able to save half of what that flats worth.

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She doesn't need to.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/08/2026 18:04

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

Edited

He didn't buy the flat.

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 18:02

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:55

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear, he did discuss it with her and took her to see lots to find one they were both happy with.

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But that's not then out the blue. Why did she not have a discussion with him at the time about buying jointly? Or is she happy with the planned arrangement?

But honestly- I'd let them get on with it. Maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't do- but none of us know what the future holds for any relationship.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 18:00

mindutopia · 28/08/2026 17:56

I would absolutely never buy property with someone I wasn’t married to. It’s so risky in a still relatively short term, not that committed relationship. He has done absolutely the right thing. She can contribute to living costs when they move in together and save for her side of a future deposit. In a few years, when they’re married (if they get that far!), they can look to buy together with her deposit and equity from his flat.

She’ll never be able to save half of what that flats worth.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:58

mynameiscalypso · 28/08/2026 17:56

My now-DH moved into a flat that I already owned. He didn’t pay rent so was able to save his deposit and we eventually sold ‘my flat’ and combined the money that I made with his deposit buy a place together. It worked fine for us and was much better that we both worked out if we were happy to live together before entering into the commitment of buying somewhere together.

Thank you so much.. perhaps I’m just thinking about it the wrong way.

OP posts:
morgan56 · 28/08/2026 17:57

They won’t be in a flat forever. Save the deposit offer for when it’s time!

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 17:57

JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:53

She's still renting in effect, but from someone she loves living with. It's not good long term especially if children are involved, but for a year or two when you're young and not in a position to buy alone, it's fine.

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Yes but i was assuming it will be below market rent, thus allowing her to save and invest more. If not, then i too wojld be concerned. As uou say, fine dor a while when young.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:57

JustAnotherWhinger · 28/08/2026 17:55

So one of my DDs is in a similar position as her partner inherited a flat. She pays half of the bills and a small amount toward wear and tear/upkeep of the flat and furniture.
She also saves, as she did when she rented, to build her own pot. She is very strict with herself not to get used to having the extra money that comes with no rent or mortgage in case she needs to rent or get a mortgage in future.

If they go ahead with their plan of marrying then they’ll use DDs pot for an extension and change the flat to 50/50 ownership. They’ve said they want 4/5 years living together first though.

That’s very generous of your DD’s partner to change the flat to 50/50 ownership if they marry. Having kids complicates things anyway I guess, if they do.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 28/08/2026 17:56

My now-DH moved into a flat that I already owned. He didn’t pay rent so was able to save his deposit and we eventually sold ‘my flat’ and combined the money that I made with his deposit buy a place together. It worked fine for us and was much better that we both worked out if we were happy to live together before entering into the commitment of buying somewhere together.

mindutopia · 28/08/2026 17:56

I would absolutely never buy property with someone I wasn’t married to. It’s so risky in a still relatively short term, not that committed relationship. He has done absolutely the right thing. She can contribute to living costs when they move in together and save for her side of a future deposit. In a few years, when they’re married (if they get that far!), they can look to buy together with her deposit and equity from his flat.

DiscourteousDiana · 28/08/2026 17:56

Well if you want her to be on the property ladder and she wants to be as well, you’re free to help her do so? Or she is free to save and buy her own place?

Twoboysandabengal · 28/08/2026 17:56

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:42

Dd has been renting with her boyfriend. She has told me they have discussed getting engaged next year. Out of the blue he was bought a beautiful flat in London by his family, and wants dd to move there with him. She would be paying rent for a finite period of time to cover certain costs.

My AIBU is that I feel if they plan to get engaged shortly, surely they should be buying together? We would have helped with a small deposit and dd earns as much as he does, if not more. I’m delighted for her boyfriend who I love, but also want DD to get onto the property ladder.

What kind of ‘man’ expects his partner to pay rent! That’s horrendous

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:56

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

That’s one of the options dh and I are thinking about.. a small buy to let.

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Do you think maybe you're overly involved though? Whybare you & your DH thinking about it? She sounds quite young... what age is she?

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:55

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

Edited

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear, he did discuss it with her and took her to see lots to find one they were both happy with.

OP posts:
JustAnotherWhinger · 28/08/2026 17:55

So one of my DDs is in a similar position as her partner inherited a flat. She pays half of the bills and a small amount toward wear and tear/upkeep of the flat and furniture.
She also saves, as she did when she rented, to build her own pot. She is very strict with herself not to get used to having the extra money that comes with no rent or mortgage in case she needs to rent or get a mortgage in future.

If they go ahead with their plan of marrying then they’ll use DDs pot for an extension and change the flat to 50/50 ownership. They’ve said they want 4/5 years living together first though.

JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:55

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

Edited

I wondered that. Who talks about possibly getting engaged next year? Someone who isn't committed yet, which might be very appropriate if they haven't been together very long and/or are unsure about the future.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:53

Then she can buy her own?

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That’s one of the options dh and I are thinking about.. a small buy to let.

OP posts:
JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:53

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 17:52

And she still can. She was renting anyway, presumably she'll be better off with the new arrangement.

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She's still renting in effect, but from someone she loves living with. It's not good long term especially if children are involved, but for a year or two when you're young and not in a position to buy alone, it's fine.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

Ironically it’s his family who are saying it will be both their flat if they marry.. not me or dd! I would however have liked her to have to opportunity to get onto the ladder.

OP posts:
MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:53

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

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Then she can buy her own?

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

REDB99 · 28/08/2026 17:52

She could still build her own if she wants to, there’s nothing to stop her building her own financial security regardless of potentially living in her boyfriend’s flat. It’s probably worth having a chat with her about how she ensures her own financial security (something all women should do).

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 17:52

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

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And she still can. She was renting anyway, presumably she'll be better off with the new arrangement.