AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

It’s hard to judge. Were you working the party or were you drinking dancing and having fun?

Because if you’re there to work, that’s your workplace. If you’re coordinating a big reveal or making ice sculptures or serving food, that’s work. If you’re networking and drinking soda water, that’s work. If you’re eating lobster and doing coke off the perfect elbow of a super model that is not work.

i think your wife is being unreasonable but she’s overwhelmed by grief. I suggest relationship counselling and meanwhile try to do something nice for her and take a horrible job off her task list.

You have my sympathy. Work events (& I have been to enough of them) are not "partying", they are a right pain.

YANBU but good luck in getting the family to see it.

When my dad died my partner at the time was partying. That was a huge part of why he is my ex. Yea it wasn't his parent, yes I had family (who were busy grieving themselves) and yes he wouldn't have changed the outcome. But I needed him to be there for me and to prioritise me.

Work is difficult, and if you had been in a meeting that possibly would have been more acceptable. But to be at a party, even if it was a work event looks awful and something I'd really struggle to move past.

I always have my phone on loud when I'm away, especially if I'm.in a different time zone

Me especially if I’m away from my children. I don’t care if it’s 2am or 5am if my child rings I’m answering so it will never be on silent for them.

I wouldn't forgive you

My DH wouldn't have done that, because we share similar attitudes to death, grief and the extent to which we "belong" to each other's family.

The problem for the OP isn't that one of them is actually right, there's no objectively right answer in this situation. The problem is that they have different views.

And, in addition, you went to a party that was optional. My FIL died recently. I've not known him since I was a child, but though the world of him. No way would I have wanted to go to a party.

You don't seem to be grieving at all. Perhaps that is why you're being shunned; the, rest of the familybare wondering who this alien in their midst is.

I would not have my phone on silent 'to sleep' if I was travelling away from my husband and kids, no.

I'd like an answer to the question 'what would work have done/said if you told them you had to go home?'

He had already died. What could OP do? His wife was with her family and being supported. Years ago my SIL 18 month old died. We weee in Australia. We didn’t fly home as there was nothing we could do

Amazing, thank you. I didn’t know that was even a thing!

I completely understand how it might look to her, like I was out partying while her dad had passed away. Honestly, I was sad, and I only went because of my work obligations

Were you required to "stay late"?

Oh. and as for the partying - IF you'd booked the first flight out of there - the REAL first flight - and gone to a work event in the meantime, even if involved boozing - not a great look, but OK. But you didn't, did you?

Yeah, this.

As another poster has said, there are hugely differing opinions on this thread. But my perception is that one of the differences is 'people who have done a lot of work travel' vs 'people who haven't'.

First of all, that word 'suitable' is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Anyone who has travelled a lot knows that there would've been some kind of flight home from LAX of all places, one of the largest hub airports in the world!, even if it wasn't the travel class or route you wanted, pretty much immediately. You only started to compromise on the flight and route you took after you had (as a PP put it) an 'oh shit' moment. This was a major mistake. No doubt you took a calculation on how you could 'get away with' balancing off the work commitments with the family commitments and get home 'soon enough' whilst 'doing enough' but that calculation has very much not paid off and now you refuse to own it.

It is at times of crisis that you really know who your friends are - a cliche, but it's true. And you learn a lot about anyone close to you. What your wife has learned is that at what was presumably one of the worst, or possibly the absolute worst, time of her life, you were not there, and you didn't make much effort to change that.

If it had been me, I'd have dropped the work commitments in a heartbeat regardless of how much money was at stake, and gone home - even if at my own expense and in cattle class. And I'd have made it clear to all concerned why I was doing it, and I'd hope that all - or at least, most - of them would've understood. In multi-company, multi party, multimillion $ transactions I've had people do this in similar circumstances and never thought anything other than 'oh well'. If you're so critical to the whole thing that even in an extreme circumstance like this the world couldn't adjust around you, then you've all been managing things very badly indeed. There are all sorts of ways you could mitigate the impact.

You made bad decisions, likely aided by the fact the work commitments were closer to you and hence loomed larger in your mind. In itself, this should tell you something. So yes, YABU... and you need to do all you can to make amends and hope to God they're feeling forgiving. The key for me here is not that you had your phone off, but that you had the chance to drop everything and come back immediately and you didn't. That simply tells your wife and kids, and all the wider family, where your priorities lie.

You mention nothing about a genuine risk of you being sacked if you had done this, and I think that speaks volumes. It would be a very rare job indeed where there is that much at stake and you're in a senior enough role to be doing this and you're going to get sacked in this scenario. Only if there really was a credible risk of actually being sacked - not your reputation being mildly tarnished for a few unreasonable people but actually sacked - would I think the way you behaved was reasonable. I'm nearly certain this isn't the case, because if it was, this is what you'd have been mentioning in your defence, not going on about how much you loved your FIL even though your actions clearly demonstrate otherwise.

Oh. and as for the partying - IF you'd booked the first flight out of there - the REAL first flight - and gone to a work event in the meantime, even if involved boozing - not a great look, but OK. But you didn't, did you?

If you go to settings, calls and notifications then do not disturb it will allow you to add exceptions to the rule.

Unless you were so upset about your close FIL’s sudden death that you just couldn’t manage it.

I wouldn't have expected you to cancel everything and fly home. She is projecting her grief onto the wrong person. It's not your fault it happened.

How do you do this as I’m married with kids but phone is silent during sleeping hours?

My dh used to travel for work a lot during many years. He kept his phone on silence during night, but not our numbers. They would go through, in case of emergency.

Did you really try to get a flight back? I'm struggling to believe that you couldn't have got an indirect flight via another European city or got to another US city for a flight to Madrid.

If you really couldn't, then there was no point in missing the client events, including the party.

I agree with this. Plus I imagine it’s misplaced anger because of the grief - you’re an easy target unfortunately as whilst I agree with the PP, I have huge sympathy for your wife & agree that she’s right to be annoyed with you to an extent but it’s manifesting itself in the extreme.

I do but only for my elderly mother and my dh who is on a different continent. For those 2 I'm contactable 24 hours a day

Its very passive agressive and childish to ignore you. You were trying to get home.