AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

How would it go down if his job was threatened bc he upped and left in the middle of an important (he mentions great sum of money for business) working week away? You can’t just tell your boss you’re not going to be available for your role in a business deal bc someone outside your immediate family is very ill or has even passed away. If they’d fired him, what then?

I can see why his wife and family would be upset, even if it was unreasonable to expect him to return - it’s part of the grieving process. They would have been upset to think that he would have been in the state and frame of mind to attend a major party in LA when someone they assumed he was incredibly close to had just died. They would have taken it as a sign that he wasn’t devastated like they were. But he wasn’t, and many men especially wouldn’t be either in that situation I think.

It’s a general sweeping statement I know but where emotions are involved many men don’t process things in the same way as women do, altho having said that, I’m sure there are many women who would react similarly. They’d be sad but it’s not the same as losing their own parent so there’d be room for them to compartmentalise and still have fun, or at least attend something light-hearted. Perhaps the physical distance helped with this mindset too.

It was possibly very unwise and I’m sure the OP wouldn’t have announced it to his wife forget he choice, but he has been found out through the friend telling her instead. It was perhaps inappropriate but a difficult situation as it was arguably still a work-related event and if he wasn’t actually grieving then he’d be sat in the hotel room or in the bar for the evening instead of the party. But still not actually grieving. It could be argued if he WAS grieving, a party and lots of company would have helped him through a difficult time, but I understand totally that it comes across as just un-feeling towards the gravity of the situation and sombreness the occasion would warrant for most ppl.

The bottom line is it shows the OP wasn’t as affected by the death as his wife and in-laws were. Disappointing and hurtful to them but also understandable from an objective POV.

What is the point of even having a husband if he can't be bothered to answer his phone or fly home in an emergency? Not only has your wife lost her father, she's been confronted with the fact that she's not in a marriage, she's in a part-time living arrangement with someone who will never put her first. No wonder she's angry.

Overreaction on her part, not unreasonable given how recent it was. OP was the other side of the world not 20 mins down the road - it’s not that easy to get back sometimes.

But it’s not his father, it’s his father in law?

I like my FIL but I’m not going to be overcome by grief when he dies, I will support my DH though.

I don’t think my DH would expect me to fly back from an important business trip straightaway. Once you’ve made a commitment it’s hard to break it.

No, I don't accept that. The weight of a loved one's dead, I believe, is the same wherever you are.

You get the news that Jim has died. If doesn't affect you differently because you're in LA with strangers, instead of in Oxford where you and he were based.

"Things" are certainly different when you're away, but grief still hits you. Which is what's missing here.

Right, but if you were told he was in intensive care would that have changed anything? OP's wife was calling him throughout the night to say hed been rushed in, then he died in the afternoon. Obviously we are all different but I wpuld hate myself if I hadn't got to a dying parent when I was given the opportunity. If you get a call saying hes passed with zero warning then thats different isnt it? And if you had wanted to dash off when your df passed and wanted your spouse's support, would you expect to get it?

In my view it depends on what kind of party. Were you getting drunk, dancing on tables or just at a work related event. From all you have written you seem to have done everything you could do to get back. You didnt miss the funeral and in all honesty what could you have done or added. All the comments about how terrible a person you are and you could have gone back are ridiculous. You sound truly sorry. They are frankly being childish if they continue with the silent treatment.

Completely agree with you. When my father died I was on a huge project (IT tech delivery) and there was no time to do a handover and give it to someone else so I carried on to see it through. I got given 3 weeks compassionate leave (discretionary) by my manager when it was finished around 10 days later.

I think you have not done anything wrong. You were abroad, you were at an important work event. Staying in a hotel room would have change nothing, I don’t think it was wrong to go. It’s not like you were on a holiday with friends.

Many employers would not sanction leaving a very important set of meetings/paying for flight changes for the death of a parent-in-law.

i think your wife is angry and being unreasonable. In your wife’s shoes, I would not have expected you to stay in your hotel room instead of going to a work event.

I'd be prepared for it lasting a good deal longer- it's hard to come back from misjudgement that bad.
You should have told your clients you have a family emergency and got on tnhe first plane out- end of story, a death or very serious ilness in your family trumps business meetings. You basically carried on working and partying until your FIL was dead- you truly believe being frozen out for 6 days is excessive punishment for ignoring your FIL being incredibly seriously ill for the best part of a week?
Either your job and partying are more important to you- or your family is, that is what they are all thinking, and quite rightly so.

I think they are over reacting, sometimes work is hard to drop just like that and you were in another country, I’m not sure how you would have been any help being there anyway. You went to the funeral which is the main event isn’t it

That’s not the same though. When you’re on the other side of the world on a business trip things are different.

I entirely agree with you.

When my ILs died, I did what I had to work-wise and e.g. getting kids to school, but then needed to take myself off somewhere private to absorb what had happened and mourn them. The OP seems to have skipped that bit.

Maybe, but he doesn't even say he tried.

At what cost though. Last minute flights are expensive and if work wouldn’t have paid then maybe it wasn’t actually feesible

Well I meam it's not great is it? My point was the worst crime imo wasn't attending the party, it was not bothering his ass to get back when his wife needed him.

If hed literally got the first flight he could after her call, he'd have been in the air when FIL died but his wife would know that he was on his way to be there for her.

Instead he said he'd get back when he could be arsed and decided to attend the party because he might as well. Just saying that for me, the party compounded it but it was the not getting back for his wife asap that was the worst of it.

I think your wife and her family are either being a bit precious or wrapped up in their grief and scapegoating you.

These business trips with client events take on a life of their own sometimes. You’re in a weird bubble with colleagues and clients and the real world seems far away.

I don’t think you did anything heinous. I would write an apology message and then tell your wife you’re drawing a line under it.

Is your wife SAHM or does she work too?

Really! A close family member has just unexpectedly died. You're abroad, no friends or family to lean into. So, hey, there's a party on, might as well go, nothing better to do than live it up with strangers. Unbelievable!

I wondered this too.

If this were your father what would you have done?

Most companies I have worked at would understand if you had to immediately return home. Maybe it’s that deep down you simply did not want to?

You said - I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days.

Why were they unsuitable?

Did you not even think that the reason she was asking you to come home was because she knew, either explicitly or intuitively, that her father was dying? So him dying “unfortunately” wasn’t actually out of the realms of possibility. An older man admitted to ICU should have maybe been a clue for you as to how serious the situation was. But you had work commitments which were more important 🤷‍♀️

FWIW I was the primary earner (actually the only one at that stage) and extremely senior in my organisation at the point at which my former FIL died. We were living overseas in Asia at the time. It wasn’t an unexpected death but the timing was very unexpected (he had a brain tumour, which triggered a stroke). Not only did my company completely understand when I had to pull out of a very big meeting and several pitches, they went overboard making sure that they got me, DH and DC back to his family as quickly as possible. The two possible conclusions that anyone could possibly make about you not being able to find a “suitable flight” or leave work for a family death are that either your work think you’re not very good and you’re worried they’re looking to get rid, or that you just care more about work than someone you’ve had a close familial relationship with for your entire adult life.

Are your wife’s family Spanish Catholics? If they are, that’s even more reason that they can’t forgive you. You must surely understand why given how long they have been in your life.

Overall though, I’d say the problem isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It’s about the why. You seem to be absolutely self focused and totally lacking in any empathy at all. Even your posts on this thread are all me me me and very much not about what your wife and her family are feeling. What are you doing to support them?

I voted yabu- not specifically for going to the party - you were still there so you may as well have gone - but for prioritising work over rushing back on the first flight you could:

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3-4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

In that moment you chose to priorise your work over your family.

Your FIL died that afternoon. Your wife needed you. And you chose to stay for work.

You then say there were no 'suitable' flights. Not that there were none. So you wouldn't put yourself out in order to get on the first flight you could, even though it may not have been the most convenient?

So as you were still there you decided to go to the party. This is the only reasonable part imo. You weren't on your way home, you were still there, what was the point in being there but not attending the party?

But from where I'm standing, and I imagine this is how your wife feels too, you didn't rush back immediately when she first called you, FIL died so what was the rush then? You may as well stay and party. This may not have been what you intended, but it is one interpretation of your actions (or lack thereof).

Honestly, Im not sure I'd be able to get past this either.

It’s LAX. There’s absolutely no way there wasn’t a flight that day to start making your way home.

I used to travel a lot with work and it’s hard once you’re there but if I’d told a single client I’ve ever worked with this situation, they’d be sending me on my way.

Your wife was dealing with the sudden death of your father and you really half-arsed your response. You’re also now being quite defensive. The partying I would struggle to forgive on the night he died. Dreadful.

No one is irreplaceable at work. You talk about it as though you were, but the reality is, if you had been incapacitated (or god forbid, died yourself) your company would carry on. The idea that you're irreplaceable is a combination of not wanting to be seen as difficult, and either your bosses pressure or your own ego that you as a person need to be there.
You chose to put work first. The fact that you couldn't do anything in a practical sense is irrelevant, emotionally you could have supported and you chose to act as though the fact that you were at a physical distance gave you a free pass to carry on as normal.