AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

erm not sure id forgive you going out partying like.

Logistically you didn’t do anything wrong.
HOWEVER: Your wife felt abandoned by you and grief does contain a lot of anger, she appears to be directing that at you.
Do not try to reason or justify, just apologise as your wife is clearly a bit broken currently.

When my father I crumbled, completely, didn’t see it coming either. She needs patience, apologies and love.

Good luck!

Absolutely this, he could not save his FiL, he could of course go for a walk, but attending the party changed nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Yes funerals do tend to happen very quickly in Spain @LaDamaDeElche so its quite normal for people who are in other countries at the time of death to miss them. I missed the funerals of one of my aunts and my grandmother because I literally couldn't get there in time and my other aunt was buried before I even found out she'd died (just under 24 hours).
In our family at least not being in the country is considered a valid reason for non-attendence.

I’m surprised about that as funerals tend to take place very fast here in Spain. Can be held within 24 hours, never usually more than 48 hours. The main event is usually the family being at the crematorium - if they’re Spanish, I’m assuming from how upset the family are with him that they are Spanish. You’d be expected to be in the crematorium overnight as a son in-law alongside other close family and work would permit you the time off. Immediate often family stay there right up until the funeral perhaps going home just briefly to change.

You will be giving off guilty vibes as you know you messed up. And you did mess up.

To be honest it's the kind of thing my DH would have done - he's avoidant about stuff like this.

But he'd have realised (I think) or I'd have told him in no uncertain terms I wanted him home if I wanted him home and to get the first possible flight.

You know your wife and you know what she'd have wanted.

You need to find a way to talk to her and apologise and make it good, and mean it.

My father was in Asia on business when it became clear that his father had hours to live. He too was working on a big contract.
This was over 40 years ago when booking a flight was more complex than it is now. You couldn’t just go online.

It was a big national holiday and his hosts had made social plans for the day for the business visitors. All the airline offices and travel agents were closed. Nonetheless his hosts found him a flight home in a matter of hours. If your hosts and colleagues were so important, why couldn’t someone have helped you similarly?

Does your wife think you're wrong for going to the party or for not immediately coming home?

I think you probably should have gone straight home and missed the work meetings- very stressful and not ideal but neither is your father dying.

BUT if she accepted that you couldn't come straight back because of work, then i dont really understand why going to the party is a problem. Would she rather you were laid up in bed crying your eyes out?

If it were your father, would you have stayed because the clients came first or returned home ASAP? I think you’ve massively let your wife down and she may never forgive you for this. She needed you and your excuse not to be there for her was work which simply isn’t good enough. Work is important but pretty much every company would understand if you had to leave somewhere early due to a death in the immediate family. You fucked up.

I’m assuming your job pays you well, and that income helps give your family the lifestyle they enjoy — including holidays you don’t always get to join.It sounds like your wife is grieving her dad and directing some of that pain toward you rather than the situation itself.And as for the friend who reported back that you were “out partying,” I’d be furious. From what you’ve said, that event was one of the main reasons for the trip, and most employers wouldn’t consider a father‑in‑law as immediate family, so bereavement leave wouldn’t normally apply. Leaving a busy conference and client meeting wouldn’t have been a realistic option

I’ve done quite a few long distance trips for work and I have DH and kids and I would put my phone on silent over night too. Lots of people have my number and when there’s 8 hours time difference you have to get some sleep. I don’t find that part shocking, not at all.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong. Most places won’t give bereavement leave for an in law so being abroad for work is no different.

What kind of arsehole is abroad and keeps their phone in silent overnight when they have a wife and kids! This alone is shocking.

You prioritised work over your family. Your wife was distraught trying to call you, no answer because you are selfish. Then she asks you to come home and you go to a party.

You could have told her i've booked a flight, cos I'm here still I'll pop into this work thing but no, you lied and she found out from your 'friend'.

Your marriage is over.

You seem to think just because something is acceptable in your workplace that it’s acceptable in all workplaces.

Quite a few people have said that they would be expected to work in OP’s situation, therefore common sense would say that OP is not lying and he was expected to work.

I don’t think you did too much wrong, however, there is a line between attending an event that you had pre-arranged or actually partying … which was it?

Having to travel for work and entertain clients myself (which I hated) I consider what you were doing was working. But how did her friend know? Also you couldn't do anything for your FIL so is your family annoyed that you were not there to supoort them? I would try to have a conversation and apologise for hurting them but explain that was the last thing you intended.

Yes you screwed up. I am sure even a wealthy client can understand that you had an imminent bereavement and we're unable to attend their party.

I think rather than asking yourself if you deserve this how about asking yourself how you best make amends and best support your wife and family through this difficult time (hint: it's not by focusing on if you were being unreasonable or not)

We lost my MIL earlier this year. DH and I started dating as teens, so she’d been a part of my life for 20 years - more than half my life. I could not imagine not doing everything in my power to get home immediately had I been overseas and received a call she was in ICU. Not only is this a person whom I loved and had great respect for, but I would want to be there for DH and our children. I also cannot imagine my work or DH’s not being okay with us going home - my boss would’ve been finding a flight for me.

If roles had been reversed and it was my father who’d died, I’d have been absolutely furious with DH for not trying to get back as soon as possible. Losing a parent would be truly awful and I would want my person to be there to help me through it. On top of that, with all the arrangements to be made, I’d need DH to help with our kids and keeping our household running so that it doesn’t all collapse without me.

And before you say that you did try to get home as soon as possible, let’s be completely honest here - you didn’t. You booked a convenient flight a few days away. As you proved in your OP, it was possible for you to get home faster although it wasn’t direct. This is what you should have done from the get go.

As an aside, I don’t understand having your phone on silent overnight, particularly when travelling. What if there’s emergency had involved your wife or children? You can silence your phone but have selected numbers override that. My phone lives on silent but if it actually rings, I know it’s either DH, the kid’s school or daycare.

Its the same for his wife though. His job isnt to mourn the in law its to support his wife who just lost her parent and obviously needed him, not to mention was having to juggle her own devastation with supporting their grieving children.

You aren't your SIL main support person, person that's supposed to be devoted to her etc etc though are you so this really isn't the same situation. If your SILs husband was in Australia i'm sure he'd have flown home.

What could he have done? Support his wife. Literally his job as a husband. OPs wife was going through potentially the most difficult week of her life and when she asked her partner to come help her, work was more important. The wife's family were all also experiencing the same emotional difficulty, I know if my Dad died I wouldn't be leaning on my mum or little brother or my children who would likely be upset and confused, I'd feel responsible for helping them not adding more preassure by needing their support. Having to support the kids alone through what may be their first experience of family death is a lot and something she may have needed support with whilst managing the shock and upset herself. My Dad had a heart attack and was put in a coma a couple of years ago. He was in the US and I was in the UK, my passport was getting renewed at the time and I couldn't even go to him and my husband who is a senior member of his company and responsible for running entire contracts and sites immediately left to come and support me.

As others have said its unlikely he would have been sacked over a family emergency especially if he's as senior as he's made himself out to be. He himself hasnt even claimed he'd have lost his job.

There are not always flights and connections available every day, but seat availability is a common problem.

I think the Op was in a very difficult position. He was already abroad en route to a series of important meetings that had significant financial consequences, he clearly has a senior post with a lot of responsibilities, and the employer and organisations involved could well take a very dim view of him cancelling at the last minute. The other side of this is that his wife and her family are in shock and deeply grieving, and it’s common to be feeling angry when a death is sudden. The family need as much support as they can get.

However…had both sides of the coin been considered? The treatment he has received (from what has been said) seems really harsh. What will the family’s response be if the op’s employer doesn’t take a sympathetic view and he is penalised in some way. Is he the main bread winner? I don’t think the op deserves some of the comments here, but of course he is a man and, therefore, will have his balls ripped off by some.

I lost both of my own parents in quick succession. The grief didn’t properly kick in for weeks and then it completely floored me. My sis was immediately on her knees. It’s different for everyone.

Well, of course not - because your own parent in no way compares with an in law. It’s not the same, in any way.

When I had a trip planned and someone close to me died the morning I was due to fly, my own mother told me to get on that flight, because you can't bring them back. Mourn them when you get back.life has to go on, and he wasn't your parent. Sure, understand that she is flgrievibg and be there for your wife but she has support from her own family which should have been sufficient until you got a flight home and while you are out there it makes sense to do the job your supposed to. It's not like you are grieving the way she is.

He said that he’s known the guy for decades and loves him. If that was true, why wasn’t he upset? That’s the point. If he didn’t care much for the guy then I can see why him just sitting there doesn’t help his wife but he claims to be extremely close to him yet still went out partying on the day he died? They’re angry that he didn’t give a monkeys.