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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your dad didnt bother with you, then showed up 20 years later asking for a kidney for his child - would you say yes?

236 replies

hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 15:55

Not a real scenario, watching eastenders, and have thought about being asked to donate something to an unknown sibling

I dunno, I dont know if I would 🤔

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 28/08/2026 17:46

WhyReindeer · 28/08/2026 17:42

No I wouldn't but this thread made me wonder...

As you probably know, in order to donate an organ, the donor needs to be 'alive' when the organ is removed which really means that (Excluding live organ donations like a kidney) only those on ventilators or in intensive care when they are assessed as brain dead can donate viable organs.

So my question is if you donate a kidney to a relative (say an aging parent) and then they die in hospital in circumstances where organ donation is possible and you are still alive... can you have it back again? Do they do that? That would be pretty traumatic having a loved one die and then go straight into surgery.

I doubt they would. Most people do fine with one kidney, so there would be no medical need to have your old one back.
I am not sure it would be possible anyway. You would still need all the vessels etc to reattach your old kidney.

Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:46

user1471538275 · 28/08/2026 17:00

Wud I eck! (chanelling my inner Eastender)

Peggy'd be proud!

OP posts:
Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:45

WhyReindeer · 28/08/2026 17:42

No I wouldn't but this thread made me wonder...

As you probably know, in order to donate an organ, the donor needs to be 'alive' when the organ is removed which really means that (Excluding live organ donations like a kidney) only those on ventilators or in intensive care when they are assessed as brain dead can donate viable organs.

So my question is if you donate a kidney to a relative (say an aging parent) and then they die in hospital in circumstances where organ donation is possible and you are still alive... can you have it back again? Do they do that? That would be pretty traumatic having a loved one die and then go straight into surgery.

I saw this on greys anatomy - although I think the guy was fully dead - he didn't get his kidney back and was treated as annoyance 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:44

godmum56 · 28/08/2026 17:43

I don't think you can do that...at least not via the NHS

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I mean, how hard is it to test the blood match?! Could save so many problems down the line

Then again, could lead to family abandonment for the kid who isnt a match 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:43

godmum56 · 28/08/2026 16:57

didn't we have a thread on here last year about someone refusing to be tested when a distant family member needed a kidney?

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Dont remember this

OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/08/2026 17:43

ThatLilacTiger · 28/08/2026 17:36

I'd be inclined to give my kidney to any child who needed it if I was a match. I'd want to check whether I was a match for my own kids first though, as I'd probably keep it for them in that case.

I don't think you can do that...at least not via the NHS

WhyReindeer · 28/08/2026 17:42

No I wouldn't but this thread made me wonder...

As you probably know, in order to donate an organ, the donor needs to be 'alive' when the organ is removed which really means that (Excluding live organ donations like a kidney) only those on ventilators or in intensive care when they are assessed as brain dead can donate viable organs.

So my question is if you donate a kidney to a relative (say an aging parent) and then they die in hospital in circumstances where organ donation is possible and you are still alive... can you have it back again? Do they do that? That would be pretty traumatic having a loved one die and then go straight into surgery.

Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:41

peachgreen · 28/08/2026 16:40

Stem cells, absolutely. I'm on the DKMS stem cell register and would donate regardless of recipient. A kidney, no. Not now I have a child and I'm her only living biological parent. As with money and time, I am saving any spare organs I might have for her!

ETA: Apologies if this has already been posted – I couldn't see it but may have missed it – but the register is here, if anyone wants to sign up: www.dkms.org.uk/get-involved/become-a-donor

Edited

Sorry @peachgreen , didnt see this!

OP posts:
Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:40

XenoBitch · 28/08/2026 16:25

It made me mad too. It would also piss me off to be seen as spare parts.
I am not sure of the process after a match is found.
I know that people who are donating organs get interviewed etc and no transplant goes ahead if there is any inkling of coercion or blackmail.

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It would feel to me that i was being used - theres just no way not to

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Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:38

Kirbert2 · 28/08/2026 16:23

It's rare that they show cancer very accurately. Both Coronation Street and I think it was Emmerdale maybe have both done childhood cancer storylines in the past few years and as someone who has had a child with cancer, I really wish they hadn't bothered.

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I forgot to come back to this

💐 xx

Its such an important topic, its piss taking when they dont do it well

OP posts:
ThatLilacTiger · 28/08/2026 17:36

I'd be inclined to give my kidney to any child who needed it if I was a match. I'd want to check whether I was a match for my own kids first though, as I'd probably keep it for them in that case.

plasticplate · 28/08/2026 17:32

Kidney no. Stem cells yes.

Coconutter24 · 28/08/2026 17:31

QuothTheRavenista · 28/08/2026 16:07

Thats not what has been asked on Eastenders though is it

Firstly - Denise didnt know she had a brother.

Secondly - its not Denises father that has asked for help - its Denise, (or Jack) who did not "abandon" whatever brothers name is

Thirdly - she doesnt need a kidney, she needs a stem cell donation

But apart from that.....
If my father came and asked for a kidney for anyone - NO!

I think it’s obvious Eastenders is what prompted OPs made up situation to run through her head and it’s not the case she just has all the information of the show wrong

godmum56 · 28/08/2026 17:30

XenoBitch · 28/08/2026 17:20

I remember that one.
As I recall, some people called OP selfish.

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yes there were some pretty cruel comments.

godmum56 · 28/08/2026 17:28

Error404FucksNotFound · 28/08/2026 17:03

I read that you can tell the team you dont want to and they will say that you arent a match.
Not sure if thats true.
Hope it is because it would stop situations that pp described

As I recall, on the other thread I mentioned, it was confirmed as true by someone in the know. Apparently also (it was a very useful thread) potential donors are screened psychologically and emotionally. Its not enough to just agree to do it. IIRC, once the donor screening process is started, potential donors situations are also checked out for undue pressure.

Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:27

UntitledGooseOnTheLoose · 28/08/2026 17:20

No, I don't think so. I was in a similar situation but it was my dad asking for a kidney for himself. He hadn't bothered with me at all when I was growing up and then when I was about 21 he contacted my mum asking if I'd be willing to get tested as a donor, but I said no.

A few people thought I was horrible for that, but he's a stranger to me and I highly doubt he'd have offered me a kidney if it was the other way around.

I take it your mum stood your corner?

Well done for saying no. What happened to him?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 28/08/2026 17:24

Yetanotherone12 · 28/08/2026 17:22

What if your child needs it, but you’re not a match.

but their family of the person you said no to is?

if you haven’t been tested for a match with your kids what’s the point?

while I am not sure if I’d donate to a stranger, I wouldn’t gatekeep my own organs on the incredibly rare chance my kids might need a transplant without at least knowing if I could donate to them.

if I was ever approached to be a living donor I’d weigh up the individual circumstances and risks. I wouldn’t say no on the basis that hypothetically someone I may not even match to might need one in the future.

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I don't think you can ask to see if you are match for your kids if there is no need to.

Sprogonthetyne · 28/08/2026 17:23

That's actually a hard one for me. Dad funked off when I was 5 & sister 7, had a subsequet siblings that he also abandoned, and was on his third family when he pegged it last year.

When he becomes terminally ill, it prompted getting in touch with the siblings for the second family, and honestly, they're awesome. Dying young is by far the best thing he ever did for me, as it was the catalyst to me getting to know the siblings much earlier then otherwise (we're all later 20's-mid 30's).

Having met the siblings, if one was to become ill, I'd definitely donate stem cells, I'm not sure about the kidney but I'd strongly consider it, and probably be as likely to agree or refuse as I would be with the full sibling I grew up with.

Yetanotherone12 · 28/08/2026 17:22

Error404FucksNotFound · 28/08/2026 16:44

No.
What if my child or someone else I loved needed one later down the line?
I wouldn't risk it.

What if your child needs it, but you’re not a match.

but their family of the person you said no to is?

if you haven’t been tested for a match with your kids what’s the point?

while I am not sure if I’d donate to a stranger, I wouldn’t gatekeep my own organs on the incredibly rare chance my kids might need a transplant without at least knowing if I could donate to them.

if I was ever approached to be a living donor I’d weigh up the individual circumstances and risks. I wouldn’t say no on the basis that hypothetically someone I may not even match to might need one in the future.

InterestedDad37 · 28/08/2026 17:22

I'd consider it only if we could first have a near punch-up in the Queen Vic, and if the storyline somehow involved Ian Beale getting a custard pie in the face from a drunk clown, who then falls into the road in front of a taxi, and is saved by the quick actions of a passing stranger, who happens to be Dirty Den's grandson.
I haven't watched it for many years, but that's how I imagine the storyline going.

UntitledGooseOnTheLoose · 28/08/2026 17:20

No, I don't think so. I was in a similar situation but it was my dad asking for a kidney for himself. He hadn't bothered with me at all when I was growing up and then when I was about 21 he contacted my mum asking if I'd be willing to get tested as a donor, but I said no.

A few people thought I was horrible for that, but he's a stranger to me and I highly doubt he'd have offered me a kidney if it was the other way around.

XenoBitch · 28/08/2026 17:20

godmum56 · 28/08/2026 16:57

didn't we have a thread on here last year about someone refusing to be tested when a distant family member needed a kidney?

Show quote history

I remember that one.
As I recall, some people called OP selfish.

IonianNerveGrip · 28/08/2026 17:19

No, I'd keep my spare kidney in case one of my kids requires it. That would be especially so if I had a half sibling who needed a transplant, because it could be something genetic that my side has passed down.

Original poster
hotmumshit · 28/08/2026 17:18

WendyWagon · 28/08/2026 17:10

My brother needed a kidney. I changed my lifestyle to donate. Sadly he died before I could.
Both my adult children are stem cell donar registered.

A friend received a stem cell transplant. She's doing well.

So sorry 🥺. How did you have to change your lifestyle, give up drinking? Only if you feel comfortable answering x

Have just signed up to give blood, and will ask if I can join the stem cell register when I am there

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