To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

I think you just need to branch out where you're finding friends. I'm about to be 37, and have lots of like minded, child free friends i met through a hobby/interest. There's a huge online group of us and we're all really close.

Yes, or anything that takes priority over your specific friendship. One of the things about moving around and starting from scratch in your 30s and 40s is that you’re by and large befriending people who already have established friendships that are naturally more important to them to a new one either you. And you need to deal with that. If you get huffy about people not prioritising you over something else, that was madness lies.

That’s why it’s easier to stop seeing friends once they announce the first pregnancy. I wouldn’t expect them to be able to put anything into the friendship from then on but equally I am not going to hang round for however many years it takes for them to come out of the child bubble (bearing in mind if they have several, it could be 10+ years).

It is no drama, it just shows a lack of shared interest, which is when a friendship has run its course

As for going to soft play or whatever just to spend time with them - hell no! If you don’t want kids of your own, the last thing you need is to be in a place like that.

I understand what you are saying but my social life has exploded since having children, albeit during the day (but i was never a boozer.)

School mum friends, nursery friends, NCT, baby classes all provide opportunities for friendships to develop and as much as people say ‘all you have in common is you had a child at the same time’ - that’s quite a big thing and more of a bonding thing than both liking the same music or enjoying walks or whatever!

And that's absolutely fair enough: but it;'s also fair for OP to want their friendships to include their friend prioritising them, OCCASIONALLY. A tiny bit. And if their friend can't do that, it's okay to be sad or disappointed that your friendship has completely changed through no fault of your own.

I've got friends with kids who made time, even when their kids were tiny, to have one-on-one time - even if it was just an hour for a coffee, so that not all our socialising involved the children. Childfree friends are absolutely expected (understandably) to bend over backwards to accommodate this huge shift in their friends' lives, acknowledge the importance of the children in planning everything, in most cases take an interest in/buy gifts for/be engaged in talking about the child very often, etc. And I'll do that happily: I show up for dance shows and birthday parties and pop round and help with bedtime if it means my friend gets 5 minutes to breathe. It's actually just not a lot to ask for a friend to consider in return that we might get to just be adults together, even for an hour or two, once in a blue moon.

none of my friends have kids so I can’t relate to this. None of them even want kids yet and we’re in our early 30s, I’m the only one that desperately wants to be a mum the rest don’t.

I am 40, no kids....and all my friends have them. Well, most do anyway, my best friend in the world is a single Mum who lives 30 minutes away. We text every day to check in and see each other once a month. Do I probably fit around her and her daughter's activities? Yes. We see films she wants to see, eat in places she likes and I have spent many a trip out at the zoo or soft play.

But I love her, I love her daughter. My life is far easier to mold around them. It does help she takes a genuine interest in my life and supports me through anything...and as her daughter is now at secondary school there is a light at the end of the tunnel for trips to the park 🩷

Hang in there

I don't think this is exclusive to childfree people. I've got children and trying to line up dates to meet with friends seems impossible most of the time. Everyone is just so busy. I've been trying to arrange a childfree evening with friends for months but every date I offer they can't do. I've give up trying. Your friends would probably love some childfree time with you but just struggle to fit it in.

That poster was just explaining the logistics of travelling to see her friend at a distance while being a parent . I certainly didn’t see it as angry.

I was contentedly childfree until 40 (as in, I had no intention of ever having a child) and I didn’t experience this. Throughout my 20s and 30s I had friends with young children and older friends with adult children and childfree friends, but all from different parts of my life, not one longstanding group. I’m in my 50s now with a teenager, and whether or not my friends have children is even less relevant as they’re all older and more independent. I became friends with a colleague of around my age whom I assumed was childfree and had seen her several times outside of work before I discovered she had two adult children. I think that’s pretty normal once everyone is older. Children aren’t as ‘obvious’ in someone’s life once they’re living away.

ETA to add to @ComtesseDeSpair ’s point. I e also moved around a lot and have absolutely had to start from scratch multiple times, while maintaining old friendships at a distance.

Once kids start school, things tend to change, as playdates only last for the first couple of years. You keep some mum friends, but life happens and people move away etc. Once kids are old enough to meet without parents, it tends not to be mums versus non mums, as in you don't meet at softplay etc, and whether or not you're a mum isn't really relevant to the friendship any more.
I'm not in anyway involved in this, but I'm told dogmums are the ones that stay friends and obviously can meet up as the dogs don't change friends/get old enough to arrange their own playdates etc. Obviously I would never say get a dog just to get friends, but on my socials I see the dog softplays/walks hikes and am a bit envious, looks nicer than the flipping kids' groups!

Most of my friendships are ones from childhood then a few uni friends. Of my 8 or so school friends, 3 are childfree (were early mid 40’s). The ones of us who have kids actively try and do things without the kids! Nights out, days trips, weekends abroad. My other close friend from uni doesn’t have kids but we travel to see each other a few times a year.
I think you should prob try and find new friends. Having a child is not an excuse to not see friends (in the majority of cases).

It’s always tough when friendships naturally begin to drift because of life stages. I had to start from scratch in my early thirties: I moved back to London following several years living elsewhere, at about the same time most of my old friends had begun leaving London. For me, it was perseverance: getting out there and saying “yes” to things - joining colleagues at the pub after work, or for the lunchtime walking gang, volunteering to bake and sell for the local historical society fundraiser when I saw a flier, going to the gym social, joining a running club; and persevering in following up with anybody I’d chatted to by getting their phone number, messaging to see if they wanted to meet up again, making that happen. It took a couple of years, but I’ve ended up with a group of wonderful, close friends, virtually all childfree as I am.

I agree with HorseandHeron, sometimes also being really open minded about where you might find friends and the age and type of person they might be is a real in-road. Through various groups and interests, I’ve met women of all ages - and honestly, plenty of 60-somethings really aren’t so different from me, at 39 - especially since we often already share interests because of how we met.

I am 36 and feel similar to you. I’ve struggled with female friendships in my 30s. Definitely still try going to groups. Check out “the others club” on Instagram. It’s a childfree community, you sign up and go to meet ups. I’m pregnant now so things have changed for me, but I hope that helps you x

How, HOW is she supposed to magic this one child free day just for you? And maintain her sanity? Because it's not just a day, it's the lead up and the organising, and the planning and the pressure.

Jesus Christ, if I had one child free day I'd book a hotel room and sit in absolute silence eating snacks and watching whatever I felt like or reading a book.

If I didn't have kids I'd have a lot of spare money and would be on holiday/travelling as much as possible. I know people who have done group holidays and maintained friendships from them.

Depending on your job/career can you widen your involvement with other people through this (assuming its something you enjoy and are good at) through mentoring, organising social events, undertaking new training opportunities?

Volunteering is a good way to meet like minded people - some may have kids but presumably they are able to carve out time without them?----

I would really disagree with that. If something is a priority for you of course you'll be able to have headspace for it! Personally, friendships are a priority for me so I need to be flexible and invested in keeping them alive just as much as my childfree friends.

@OP second the suggestion on setting up a meet up group that's perhaps aimed a little older? I was invited into a whatsapp group for one (didn't end up going) based on a monthly cocktail night and there were tons of members! Or could be running, books, whatever you are into?

To meet other people without children, I would suggest maybe making more effort to socialise with colleagues at work outside the office,

Agree with this, I work in a large dept with a mix of parents & child free colleagues. The older (30s+) child free women are all very sociable & friendly with each other. Go away on weekend breaks/holidays too. Those with kids just don’t have the time & tend to only go to the Xmas night out! Make the effort & hopefully you can gain some friends at work. Good luck, I have few friends & often wish I had someone to do stuff with!

How easy do you think it is to travel to see you? I think you really don't get how difficult it is. Kids are full on 24/7, even with a partner. They can't just dump them to come see you. Aside from looking after their physical needs, kids do activities, have parties, get sick etc. This all needs to be accommodated and balanced. My friend has just moved counties - but if I want to see her I'll have to take my baby with me (I'll be breastfeeding for about 2 years). I'd still be leaving two more kids at home and will have worked out with my husband the best way of managing them whilst we're away.

You sound pretty difficult tbh. Parents have so much pressure (kids/partners/work/parents), that frankly someone stamping their foot and expecting some kind of 50/50 effort just isn't worth the mental and physical energy required.

The way you throw in "friends who aren't real friends, who are in competition with you, insecure, talk behind your back and so on" also makes me think you might be pretty hard work. Adults don't usually have this kind of teenage drama.

it's only easier with kids if your other friends have kids. in lots of ways it's difficult but differently so. I don't say that as "ugh, I have it harder!!" but just as a reassurance that lots of women struggle with this, you future friends may or may not have them.

does it matter that in one of your groups your the oldest? if you're all adults without kids, then you have the similar freedoms and commitments as each other. possibly less so with the older group tho.

I honestly think your friends are the problem, not you or your situation. my longest lasting group of fitness, 2 don't have kids, 4 do from ages 6-11. we never do stuff with the kids and tho we don't meet up regularly due to distance, it's always a mutually agreeable place and it's about us all not just us Moms. I have a mix of fitness from 30s-60s with and without kids, it isn't a defining principle in my choice to be friends.

I'm just saying, keep putting yourself out there. don't limit yourself to "people exactly like me"

I actually totally understand where you are coming from. My best friend has 2 very young children and if I ever want to see her I have to drive to her house and sit there co-entertaining her children lol. I like her kids and I know it’s easier for me to drive to her but she will even say ‘can we meet up this week because it would be good to have backup for the kids’ 😅. I understand her perspective but it does make me wish she would prioritise one child free day out (ever!) as it’s very one sided. I know it’s natural as she has a lot on her plate but it’s a lot of hassle when you don’t live around the corner either! We see each other once a year now.

I’m lucky I have one childfree friend who I go on walks, picnics, and game nights with. I’ve known her since school, I’m lucky to have her tbh I’d find it really hard too. I have friends at work who are empty nesters and older than me (I’m 30s, they’re 50s) and I happily meet up with them too!). Sorry this wasn’t very helpful - I can only say I really sympathise!

It’s true. I remember this and my thirties were very lonely as a result. this thread is an interesting read.

Personally I don’t find this true, I lost so many friends when I became a (single) parent and was no longer fun to them, I couldn’t go on nights out or holidays because of lack of child care and even spontaneous meet ups I couldn’t attend or they didn’t want my kids tagging along so friendships distanced. Cant attend groups or hobbies as again no child care for those and would mean paying sitters, and theres no guarantee you’ll become friends with your children’s friends parents (I found the school gates cliquey and unfriendly) but that’s just my experience but it seems easier to make friends if you don’t have children.

I have managed to stay in touch with my friends with children (they live all over the country), but you have to accept that you are less important to your friends than they are to you. Also, remember to ask about the children, send Xmas and birthday presents, know what they're doing etc.
To be fair, I think those with kids do also like the chance to talk about topics other than children, and use their brains.
On the plus side, as the children grow up and leave home, you will find that your friendships strengthen again as your friends get more time to themselves. But be aware that you'll then have to start admiring photos of the grandchildren 😂