To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

I’m late 40s and child free. I have a core group of friends from pre kids scattered around the country who now have kids. It’s been an effort to keep things going on both sides but as their kids are now teenagers they are beginning to emerge and have more time. I agree that a key part of this has been that they have all married decent men who actively parent their own child and enable them to spend time with me.

Meeting new people outside of work has been hard. As with others my hobbies are mostly solo. I don’t see being childfree as part of my personality so would be reluctant to form a friendship based just on that.

Im childless and disabled so no hope for me!!
I have friends with and without children. Some I have lost to their children as they seem to have no other interests except the children and I am just not as interested in their child as they are.
But some who do have children but have supportive partners are easier to do things with, and have interests outside of their kids.
But I have also lost childless or child free friends to pets or distance too.
Lots of things can end a friendship
It is hard op, I understand. Unfortunately most people our age seem to have young children and not much of a social life. And I am definitely looked upon with suspicion, accused of hating children, etc because I don't have any. So that hurts when I am not childfree by choice.
It's a minefield for us women. Dh gets nowhere near as much grief as I do.

To be honest, when I experienced the parent friendship drift in my 30s (as the child-free one), when I was told this it didn't help - it made me think, our brilliant social group and/or my friendship with you was apparently so boring that you chose a life like that instead?

The thing that helped most is that I'm not in a social group where everyone was becoming children. DH was, and that was tough for him, but I have plenty of child-free friends and a social group with a healthy disregard for the conventional marriage-and-kids route that I never felt like the odd one out.

In terms of the parent friends who did drift from me, there were some cases where it was evident very soon that the friendship was over, because they entered such a weird mummy/daddy bubble and made it so clear that nothing outside it held any interest for them any more. But a lot of others didn't do that, and while we might not have had time to meet as often as we used to, we kept the friendship going on a more sporadic basis. And after about five years... so many of those friends are back on the socialising, with half a decade of pent-up desire to party to let out. It's been a lot of fun having them back!

I also got through it all without setting foot in a soft play thing or doing any child-focused activities. The reason I'm child-free is so I don't have to do any of that.

I think it’s very similar for anyone without children in their 30-50s. BIL is childfree and he’s really struggling now that the last of his close friends has had a baby. I think there are a few things here. I think many adults this age are closest to their partners and still old school and uni friends. If you don’t have a partner and you haven’t held on to those long term friendships, then it’s hard to meet new people.

Secondly, it’s a time when friendships change. BIL is struggling because friends no longer want to stay out late getting drunk and doing mushrooms. 🙄 People don’t want to do that at 40. You need to adjust to inviting people over for lunch or a cup of tea.

I think where friendships do develop at this age, it’s very organically through shared interests over time. I’ve met lovely people through hobbies and groups I go to. But not like I went one time and made a friend, more like it’s something I enjoy I did it for years and over those years, I’ve gotten close to people. It didn’t happen overnight and I didn’t do it to find friends. I actually have little interest in making new friends! But over time, you get to know people and it happens. It sounds to me like you need to adjust your expectations and not put so much pressure on yourself.

I didn't read it as aggressive or unnecessary - frustrated maybe, and I understood her!

Being a mum is already a neverending cycle of having to consider everybody else before yourself, and now we have to consider what more we can do for our child free friends?? It's honestly harder for us having to say no all the time. We already feel like shit friends, trust me 🤣

I'm 37 and childfree. I'm also self-employed and work alone.

I've made a lot friendships via my dog - I have to walk him everyday, and if you do the same routes at the same times, you meet the same people and get chatting - dogs are an easy "conversation starter" and if you meet someone else with a dog, you already know you have something in common.

I have friends with children and friends without. No issues at all.

I think this was a snark but I will answer it.

I have / had several interests but a) not many of them were conducive to friendships and b) a lot of them are very difficult to keep up with little children, although I will be getting back into them. One of my big passions was nature - it still is, I love the changing seasons, the wildlife and the natural world. I read books about it and watch documentaries about it, I walk in it, I love just being immersed in it. Is that an acceptable interest? I’d say so. Is it one that lends itself easily to friendship? No, not really; maybe if you’re specifically into bird watching or something but I’m not.

If your interest is a team sport or playing a musical instrument in an orchestra fair enough but for most people an interest isn’t enough to sustain a friendship.

One thing my friend finds difficult, is the ones who had kids with feckless men who won't do any parenting.

It’s always worse being the outsider.

All your friends are Childfree or not ready to have kids. Now you’re saddled with a baby or toddler. Friends all meet up together having fun and you’re stuck at home. They aren’t interested in hearing about your life as it’s dull in comparison.

Or all your friends have young kids. You can still come along to soft play or the park but it’s seriously boring, they can’t or won’t travel to meet you, and they all meet up together with their children.

I feel as if I owe an apology to all my child free friends from when I was in my late 30s/early 40s. We’ve reconnected again now but I honestly don’t think I was a good friend. At the time I thought they don’t understand how hard it is getting out of the house with a young child, or child care when your DH works long hours/shifts. But honestly, looking back I could have made more effort.

Even worse, there were a couple of people I had made friends with in my late 20s/early 30s as many of my older friends had DC earlier than I did and I had more in common with those who also didn’t have DC at this point.

YANBU
I was the last to have kids and spent time with my friends with and without their kids. They were usually glad of a break!
From reading your post I think the issue is distance? Not sure how far you are from them. We all live close so it's not so much of an issue i.e went for coffee when they were in bed etc.

I can see both sides. I have child free (by choice) friends who I cherish. I absolutely love seeing them, I go away on holiday with one of them and I make an effort to make space in my schedule for them. It's not always easy as I do have children and a)I also want to spend time with my kids, and my DH without my kids and b) we live quite far apart but she also has a full and varied life with her own commitments. But I value the friendship and we both work to maintain it.

Equally, she recognises I'm not always able to drop stuff at short notice in a way she can and I have additional things to juggle.

But I've never let having kids stop us being really good friends.

Disagree, it sounds a bit aggressive to me. Unnecessary!

I think hobby groups are the best way to meet people. Do you like sport? Things like hockey, netball or football are really social, also running or cycling groups.

I think this is personal to you. I maintained my friendships with my child free friends when my kids were little. I didn’t have a ton of support. They would visit me, I would visit them (often with kids in tow, sometimes not). The occasional night out. And we’ve had a group chat that’s been running for about 20 years that has peaks and troughs of activity.

Kids are teens now so it’s easier but we never drifted apart.

Two of my very good friends (from 2 separate friendship groups) are single and married, one over 50 and one under and all of us see them regularly. I think they do struggle with holidays and usually go with parents but those parents are frailer now so it is hard from that perspective but they definitely have a very wide circle of friends many of whom are married with kids.

That's quite sad. Have you never had a meaningful friendship? Someone you genuinely care for and would stick by when they had tough times? Your idea of friendship sounds very transactional. Like an object you disregard rather than a person with feelings. I love my friends like my family, I couldn't be so cold as to cut them off when they got pregnant.

I’m simply responding to your strange post. You say it’s easier to drop people as soon as they make a pregnancy announcement, ie long before they start sidelining you because of an actual child. I’m asking whether, if the pregnancy doesn’t result in a child, whether you ‘undrop’ them.

Totally agree with this OP. Some people can't or won't put in time to see their child free (or any) friends. You need to build a new network. It'll take time but it's so worth it. I wouldn't bother chasing people who don't have time for you, it's horrible to be on the receiving end, even if it's not bad intentions.

Try being a sen parent!

i didn’t meet my people until my 50s but it was worth the wait

’allow them back into the fold’ - seriously? You sound quite angry about my post.

I have clearly hit a nerve somewhere...

So you automatically drop people as soon as they tell you they’re pregnant?

And if they miscarry or have a stillbirth, do you allow them back into the fold?

you are 100% right op. I’ve been through about three groups in my late 20s-30s, each one dying off as people started getting married and having babies. My first group was mainly men but they couldn’t/wouldn’t maintain female friendships after they were settled and would just see the boys. My next were just women who wanted to prioritise their partners then once children were on the scene they just can’t live the same life as before.

Friendships for women are really hard at this stage, I’m hoping it gets easier again in our 40s.

Surely that depends on whether you have any other interests than your children?