To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

I didn't change it, I was putting my own interpretation on it - because I personally would describe someone making "little effort" as someone not bothering.

Yes, people get caught up with kids but I wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with someone who had spent years only showing minimal interest in me and my life, simply because they had kids. That's not a good friend to me.

@scoopsahoooy has nailed it.

My 2 best friends in the whole wide world have children and I adore them. I love spending time with them and babysit them often so that their parents can go out without them or look after them for a day or two in the school holidays (teacher). But I can still feel sad that my very dear friends and I are not able to share this life stage. I guess it’s an adjustment for a lot of women as you grow and change and it’s not as easy as it used to be to establish new friendships.

And to those suggesting doing activities to widen my friendship circle. I am throwing myself into all sorts of things but just haven’t found my new tribe yet.

I don’t know really. None of my close friends were made through my kids and I had a child before all of them. I also have a good friend who only had her first child in her 40s. Having a baby at 25 definitely made it more difficult to socialise and retain friendships (and one ten years later). All of my close friends have been made through school, college or work- nothing to do with the kids.

Nope.

You changed "very little effort" into "not bothering". They're different.

But, either way, people get caught up in the family and young kids phase of life. Then they come out of it and I think it's nice if old friendships can be rekindled.

I think the poster who said they would feel "used" if that happened would be cutting off their nose to spite their face.

And my opinion on that has not changed despite your attempt to suggest such friends were "not bothering" with their childless friends. Which wasn't what was being said anyway.

Yeh to be fair I think I'm just still feeling very salty that she did what she did. The times I cancelled were all completely legitimate reasons. One was missing her husbands birthday party because my son was sick in the car on the way. Whereas I have another childless friend who has never once taken offence when I couldn't meet - she just totally gets it.
The friend who ghosted me has a 1 year old now and I hope she realises that it's much harder to juggle everything than you realise before having kids.

And that’s kind of what I mean - I don’t want to be seen as an arse ache by friends. So I let them get on with their lives surrounded by supportive people and I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with them.

It’s not an issue as I and my friends are older so some have kids and some don’t now, and I didn’t meet them until they already had older kids.

When someone starts to have kids, I understand their life and priorities are undergoing huge changes and they don’t have the time or inclination to do anything without the children. I don’t want to do child related activities.

I also don’t want to spend my time with them avoiding saying I’m tired or whatever as it tends to elicit a bit of a lecture about them being more tired than anyone else etc.

Surely it’s kinder all round to withdraw nicely rather than letting them get stressed about meeting up or whatever.

Plus it would be pretty obvious that I’m not interested in holding the baby or whatever. If someone means something to me then I don’t think it’s fair to make them feel awkward.

It’s hard to make friends in your 30s full stop. The only sort of friends I’ve made are work friends . I am never at the school gates and most of the time I am not at work I am with my kids . The only friends I do socialise with these days are actually child free . It’s a breath of fresh air going out the seldom chance I get and not spending that time talking about rearing small children. But I don’t get to do it very often . I woudnt dream of inviting a child free friend to soft play it would be nice to have company but it’s so loud and noisy and a horrible atmosphere to catch up with a friend. I take my hat off to you for that level of effort .

So I came on here to say I do think it can be just as hard to balance friendships as a parent, that I have struggled as my school friends are all child free apart from me and it has required some manoeuvres on my part to keep them which I don't feel are always fully appreciated. However, op, you have had some frankly quite petulant answers on this thread and I actually now just want to say that yes, it's ok to expect some reciprocal effort from your friends! We all have stuff going on, non parents too, if you completely drop your friends because you have had kids of course they will disappear!

For instance, I can't always go to all of a meetup with friends because of kids stuff, but I make a big effort to show my face, without kids, and catch up. Sometimes it's a pain, but I know if I call these friends in a dire emergency they have my back and I feel that is worth keeping up with, even if it means a juggle. I don't have family nearby or endless babysitting, just a partner who has done similar with his school friends, and we help each other out in this department as much as possible. My friends host me and buy me takeaway and wine and genuinely want me there to spend time with and that is mutually beneficial for us all. Yes it's an arse ache, but it would be much more of an arse ache being lonely!

PP was talking about people making little effort because they have kids. So, yes, it has evolved into that.

The thread isn't about "not bothering".

Having 92 unread messages is a choice! Sorry, but I just don’t get this…

I really don’t mean this as any kind of boast, but I’ve never had any unread messages, I’ve got two kids and had a busy job for their entire lives. My husband does (and has always done) 50% which I think is the big elephant in the virtual room here.

I know that feeling. Currently got 92 unread messages 😂

I know this doesn't help you right now, but they do come back! In my friendship group, there are mums and non-mums and - just as you describe - the mums drop off the social scene or stick to themselves when their kids are young. But when the kids get a bit more self sufficient, in my experience, the mums are raring to meet up with their friends and have grown-up social time after several years of exclusively mum activities.

I'm not sure that's cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Having kids isn't a reason not to bother with your friends.

I have a tight circle of friends that includes of a number of gay men. These are friends that I made when I was single. No competition. No one hitting on me. Expendable income. They had and have my back. None had children.

Now they are my husband’s friends, too.

Bonus because the straight people in this group are good people, too.

Cut off your nose to spite your face if you want.

I quite like having more time with friends now who had their time taken up for a couple of decades by family stuff. It's not as if they could just ignore their kids.

As another bonus, many are also going through divorces!

I’m really sorry for some of the responses you’ve had to your post OP. I have kids, and yes they can be hard work especially in the early days but there are some really defensive replies here from people who have clearly chosen to make themselves total martyrs to their children, to housework and I suspect to their husbands, who are probably getting a lot more free time than they are.

Mothers who are not struggling financially, are not single parents and don’t have SEN kids, should be able to make time for their child free friends. Men can look after kids, and so can babysitters. If they are good/proper friends, have you tried talking to them about how you feel? It’s possibly just busy lives and thoughtlessness and a chat would make them consider your feelings more.

My children are teenagers now and a lot of my friends who sacrificed literally everything for their kids in the early years are looking around and thinking ‘what next?’ So I think you may find the boot is on the other foot in 10 years time. But in the meantime, I’d do as others have suggested here - just take any and all socialising opportunities to gradually build your circle.

@Percypiggz there is a mumsnetters without children board which you might find useful to visit xx

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

I'm childfree by choice, in my sixties and don't recognise the problem you describe.

In my thirties my circle was a mix of career driven people, some with children, some without. We were all buys, had our own priorities and our friendships ebbed and flowed but were always strong and that has been the same all through my life.

One thing that made friendships work for me was that we knew each other via work - so worked and socialised around that together, or we knew each other from various hobby groups which we all prioritised as they were keen interests e.g. five aside football, art classes.

My closest friend had two children in her twenties. I sort of fell in love with her children as I had her and spending time together was a pleasure. I'd often babysit so she could do her own thing. A lot of give and take and a lot of fun for all of us.

Now she's older, her children are grown and we are still like peas in a pod still and in a different way.

Also key is that when my friends had kids we were all aging. They didn't want to be up all night dancing - but neither did I - we grew up together in different ways.

I'd suggest adapting to rather than resisting change OP. Also, to join hobby groups you enjoy rather than just to make friends. That way you'll enjoy the group even if you don't make friends but you're more likely to make friends with people with whom you share interests.

I’ve never had kids but most of my freinds have. I did do nearly 100% of the keeping friendships going when they had kids as I was never going to be their first priority. I babysat to give them time if they wanted and did soft play etc etc. All the kids are grown up now and friendship has reverted back to as it was before. Sometimes the adult children join us for socials as well which is lovley.

it’s worth making the effort as a lot of new parents struggle.

The thing is, if those that made v little effort come knocking later on I wouldn't have open arms tbh. I'd feel a bit used.

If it helps (it probably won't) once you're about 50 they'll come looking for you as they have less childcare stuff.

I found child free friends online in my 30's, somehow, but they were never people I could see weekly or anything because the geography was random.

Now I'm nearly 60 I have loads of friends as people my age no longer have young children. Some have grandchildren. And many now don't work full-time so more time (and money) available.

OMG! Your friends should make an effort. Good friends are hard to find and should appreciate each other! I just listened to a brilliant song about good friends by Erica Badu. Have you thought about joining an interest club? Book club? Sports team? Knit and natter? Etc. Can be a great way to find your people. Good Luck with this!

I've lost a lot of my child-free friends or friends with older children since having mine during covid.

What I would have loved is for them to understand I was struggling and to make effort with me and want to get to know my child. Which is what I did when my sisters or friends had children before me. Some of my friends absolutely did that and we're still friends now. Others couldn't handle not being centered in my world anymore and the time I did manage to give to them wasn't enough and some friends I guess it was just me who maintained the friendship so they naturally fell away.

I wouldn't underestimate how much your visits might mean to your friends with children. They're probably much looked forward to and valued.