That this a divorce-worthy holiday.

It seems like every day I read a post that makes me so glad I'm single...

This is today's post 😁

No dealing with other people's dysfunctional family, I have enough to deal with, with my own! Take your own DM out and ignore the whole drama. Then when you get home start making more time with your DM so you don't feel like you've lost time with her. Thats what is important right now, nothing else 💐

Drop the rope. Stop acting as her PA and of DH has got a problem with that, he can run her errands. You may well find that when it's him instead of you that has to do the work that goes with putting up with her, he'll miraculously grow a backbone.

Don’t beat yourself up! You tried to do a nice thing, which is what nice people do. You’ve really learnt from this how to deal with this family going forward and I hope your H has too.

YANBU I have awful in laws, as does my DH 😂 just really awful, criminal behaviour, violence, abuse, those sorts of things, both sides, proper awful.

We tried to muddle along early in our marriage but eventually we had to be ruthless with boundaries and with that the relationships have petered out.

The thing that got us through was therapy individually to acknowledge how really bad and serious a situation it was and us getting on the same page.

We have very limited interaction with some members of his family and only interactions with my lovely extended family, not my own direct family.

Getting on the same page has made our lives lovely, pleasant and really peaceful. It is delightful. You need to do some couples therapy with your husband.

She also said one night at dinner that all women who complain about childbirth pain are pathetic and she did it without any pain relief and that all women should shut up and get on with it.

I really feel for you. I had in-laws “surprise “ us by arriving at our holiday accommodation some years ago, and I still get annoyed thinking about it. The entitlement!

Your kids will probably look back on this holiday as a funny story or family legend when they’re a bit older, so don’t worry. Sounds like you’ll have a lovely day tomorrow.

I'm not sure how much to judge your husband. Sounds like he has had a lifetime of bending himself to suit an unfair family dynamic. Perhaps this will lead him to reflect on that and make some changes?

But just make sure you are very clear on what you are prepared to put up with. If he can’t get on board with that, you may have to part ways.

Oh your poor DM. What does she think upper in laws?

YADNBU

I once went on a group holiday with a partner’s DM, DF, and two lots of my partner’s siblings, spouses and kids. All in the same villa.

That holiday was when I decided I never wanted to marry into the family. Amongst many other things, my partner’s DM got blind drunk, ranted her Daily Fail right wing venom everywhere every single night at dinner, and attacked my job. Scathingly ranted how she thought it was so easy (she was thick and uneducated herself), and everyone in my profession did nothing but complain. She was a vindictive, insecure, angry person and I was so happy to leave that family behind when we split up. I remember watching her rant and get pissed out of her head thinking - there’s no way I’m ever having a kid of mine have her as a grandparent.

Honestly as soon as I read you invited your DM and your MIL on the same holiday, I thought you had lost the plot.

I mean I love my DM, I think she's amazing but we can do a long weekend max. My DH likes her too but he would be going slightly insane by the end of the weekend.

Taking both DM and MIL on the same holiday is madness. They have different interests, personalities, abilities and aren't even friends.

It sounds like you have a massive issue with people pleasing and putting your own feelings last to try to make everyone else happy. As a result you get yourself in situations which are intolerable and lead to divorce-worthy arguments.

You don't have to go on holiday with your whole extended family.
You don't have to change your holiday destination at the whim of your MIL.
If your MIL hasn't organized a scooter, it isn't your responsibility to find one for her.
When you BIL turns up and moans you haven't fussed over his birthday, it is entirely socially acceptable to laugh in his face for being a grown man having a tantrum about his birthday
When you go back home, you don't have to be MIL's PA either - you have yourself, your DCs and your DM, that's more than enough!

I voted you are being unreasonable simply because divorce is an overreaction and there are steps you can take first. You can’t change anyone else but you can change YOU.
I agree with others, see out the rest of the holiday doing your own thing with DM and DC. BiL and MiL not invited and DH optional.
Then, no more help for MiL. You are not her PA. Anything she needs, tell her to ask DH or BiL. Tell DH to take the DC to see her without you and have a rest. If DH is so happy to be spineless with his family, he can reap the consequences.
If you have a similar situation in the future about MiL suddenly changing her mind about walking - she or DH can sort it. You can do a breezy ‘oh what a shame you won’t be able to join us’ type response. Her issues are no longer yours to fix. Before you speak ask yourself ‘how can I approach this to ensure it does not become my problem’. Lots of non-proactivity please. It will take practice.
Never go on holiday with them again (obvs). Take your DM again by all means. If DH complains, tell him not to come with you then but arrange his own trip with DC and MiL instead.
You are understandably righteously angry. Let that fuel you to leave them all to it from now on. Not. Your. Problem. His family, his issue.

That's how you do it.
Stop being nice or polite.
Stop behaving like what they think of you actually matters.
Your husband would love if you would STFU and brush his and his family's awful behaviour under the rug.

Far better to bring it up again and tell him they are not people you are prepared to be around, and increasingly it is changing how you view him too.
Nothing quite like a man being told you no longer see him in a great light.

My bff of 50 years is married 38 years, and her FIL was a difficult rude prick.
She is too kind and tolerant, particularly pre menopause.
Not so much any more!
Every Christmas she tolerated his bombastic superiority, bragging about his wealth and ignorant views.

One year she knew she was done and she told her husband after the holidays, never again.
She didn't like his father, and increasingly after every visit all she could see when she looked at him, was his father.
She said I honestly don't know if we will see retirement together, as I'm not sure about how I feel about you and us.

He had spent 20 years apologising and explaining away his father's behaviour, but when it looked like it was going to bite HIM on the arse, it focused his mind.

The following autumn he told his father that he would, after 20 years of coming to his home, go to one of his other two brothers familys for the Christmas holidays.

He told his brothers exactly the same.
Both the brothers did exactly one Christmas each, and their wives told them it was NEVER to be repeated.

My lovely friend realised she had been a doormat.

Harold never crossed her door again and her husband organised with his brothers a rota of Christmas dinners to be dropped to him until he too loudly broadcast that only one of his DIL could actually cook and the other two needed lessons.
Dinners then ceased too.

He's in a nursing home now, mind gone, healthy as a horse at 95, eating 3 full meals a day, spouting his increasingly extremist views.

Make it clear to your husband, his mother is his issue going forward and you are done.
Don't be used any more.
Focus on your mum.

The firmer you are, the more you make clear YOUR non negotiables, that YOU are done.
The better your chance of your weak excuse of a husband copping himself on, through pure self interest.

I’m with you op. Never holiday or do anything with these vile people again

You now know beyond all reasonable doubt that your DH's family can't be trusted and will take advantage of your good nature to get exactly what they want.

When you said this

'And I know damn well that when we are back home, MIL will expect me to become her personal assistant without complaint again.'

You know that this was the old you who thought that your MIL had changed for the better. You now know that it was all a lie so you are free to refuse to help her in any way, shape or form. Your BIL and his awful wife SIL can be her personal assistants.

All the time that you save by not helping your MIL will mean that you will have so much more time to devote to your mum.

@OffWith
Explain to the kids for the back half.of the holiday they are having "yes" days amd can pick whatever nice thing they want to do..
have everything packed the night before - get out and stay out until 6/7 with your mum and the kids...
if the kids ask - you are having quality time woth your mum and dh is doing it with his family. Their activities are more for grownups and less fun...
If inlaws ask dh said he wanted quality time with you. Walk off and let him deal with it.

Say FA to in laws or your dh. Think "never complain, never explain".

When you get home do not do a thing for any of them.
Just obnoxious behaviour

divorce wouldnt be my first port of call but there would be "serious change"
I'd be insisting on couples therapy / therapy for him to gind a spine and I'd be 100% non contact with them for a good while.

You fucked up trying to be nice.
Now you know!

YABU - for tolerating this. But I think you’ve come to this realisation yourself 💐

It's laughable he way the first response of so many MN posters is to shout DIVORCE...🙄
This is a family, kids love their dad, they love their gran, and most of all OP loves her husband.
The holiday sounds like a bloody nightmare, but as some have said, it can be salvaged, and lovely memories between the OP, her mum and the kids can still be made.

OP has every right to be annoyed at the way things have gone, and she knows she won't make the same mistake again. Trying to make other people happy can often backfire.

Really hope you can enjoy these last few days with your DC and DM. Maybe you'll feel better about the whole thing if you've taken charge of your holiday just a bit here at the end and your dc have had some nice days.

A LOT of sympathy to you OP.

If it makes you feel better I sometimes think about separation after a family holiday. It's always intense, stressful and when MIL is involved it's like I have double of my DH at his most testing.

But then we get home and life goes back to it's pleasant normal & it's forgotten quickly enough.

I agree his family are being unreasonable.and because there's been a communication breakdown there are good grounds for not having a shared holiday again.

Get through it, don't divorce over a holiday but keep in laws and his family at a minimum in general.

Please don't consider divorce

OP, "when we know better, we do better".

Well done on taking honest responsibility for your fxxk up.
You did fxxk up.
We all do at times!

You thought your awful in laws and husband would behave better, you were wrong and now you know.

Many of us have had variations in life where we hoped for better, were shat on AGAIN, and said no more. Ever.

This is where you are at.

Great advice above to absent yourself with your children and mother, and leave the waster husband to HIS family.

Don't ask any questions about them and their plans.
Just crack on with yours.
Be clear on making your plans and being out.

Get food out too if you can and bring back the makings of a sandwich later for yourselves.

Leave them to sort themselves out.
When you get home, mute your MIL or forward any texts/requests from her going forward to your husband.
Not your problem.

Years ago at a wedding my friend overheard her MIL critique her, her kind mother, her cooking, all to her sister.
She was very hurt.

She told her MIL the following morning what she had heard, how hurt she was.
Her MIL blustered and told her she was over reacting, misheard etc.
She wouldn't engage futher.
She was particularly hurt to hear her kind mother spoken about so bitchily.

She told her husband briefly what had happened and that going forward she would no longer be in any way involved.
His family, his business.

She remained pleasant and polite but she never visited, cooked or entertained her again.
Her husband visited his mother after that.
She apologised after about two years at another wedding and my friend accepted it.
But she didn't want to be around someone so two faced again.

Her husband was very very pissed off with his mother, particularly as it made his life more difficult, unsurprisingly 🙄.

But my friend never moved an inch.
She invested in her own family and was actually happy she knew where she stood, rather than deluding herself that her kindness was actually appreciated.

Oh dear! Don't blame yourself. Make the most of the rest of the holiday and don't go on hols with MIL again. Your husband sounds very spineless and must take some of the blame for the awful time you've had? Your BIL sounds like a real drama llama too, why on earth were you supposed to make everything about him when he wasn't even expected to be there? What a load of unnecessary stress.

They sound an absolute nightmare. Completely ignore them, set off early and have a lovely day with your kids tomorrow. It’s not too late to salvage what’s left and make some lovely memories with your mum and the kids!