Birthday fuss and expense for others

I agree with you.

I find people planning expensive trips for their birthdays or hen do’s that cost their friends hundreds or thousands of pounds bizarre. Why the fuck would I want to spend 500 quid on a trip where I get no say in where we go, stay or what we do when there?

I just find the whole “birthday week!” trope as a grown adult cringe.

what, like the actual Monarch enjoying celebrating their birthday so much that they do it not once but twice a year, including a quiet, subtle ceremony with the armed services processing, a band playing, flyovers and tens of thousands of people spectating?

I think asking "why" when someone declines an invitation is a very rude question

Neither side should be offended. It’s her birthday, she can invite who she wants to whatever. She shouldn’t get offended by those that decline. After all, it’s an invite not a summons- to bring out that ole Mumsnet classic.
you shouldn’t be offended by what she wants to do. It’s her choice not yours.
if she pushes for an reason (which is rude) it may be she’s assuming that you want to come but can’t so she’s looking to ‘solve’ your issue.
we had that once whereby we used cost as a reason and were told our portion had been ‘paid for’.

WTF?

I would spend that amount ... and more... if it were a joint trip for a joint hobby/interest that we had planned together, but not when I've been summoned to an event that isn't really my thing.

I think if I had the money and I thought it would be enjoyable enough to warrant the spend, I would do it. I assume you are not subsidising her so although it's 'for her birthday', you are paying for your own experience. If it's not something you fancy, don't do it.

In terms of an explanation; I would be honest and say that you can't justify that amount of money for a weekend away with friends.

That doesn't sound like much fun for the birthday girl!

I agree with you, OP. I object to other people spending my money for me. My DH’s son and wife are like this. They are a bit ‘we are the centre of the universe’ too and will chop and change venues and dates and expect everyone to fall in with the plans as if no one else has a life.
I find adults making a big fuss about ordinary birthdays a bit soft tbh but if that’s what they want, fair enough. However, I do object to little hissy fits when people decline

Your friend can have whatever birthday celebration she wants, however over the top. She is definitely very rude to demand an explanation about why you have (politely) declined the invitation.

I sort of see both sides

For me -there aren’t enough social things arranged in general. When I look back at my life those sorts of gatherings and getaways are the absolute highlight. When they do happen it’s often me that arranges them so I love when someone else does.

I wouldn’t begrudge the money if I had it, I’d be glad to be invited

the reality is though I probably wouldn’t have the money, would have to decline , and would then wish they’d done something local and simple.

I mean - she could just invite you round and cook for you all 🤷‍♀️

The problem here is her not accepting your no!

I know a few ladies like this! However I would say they were the drama queens and self involved members of the group we were in. Is your friend like this?!

I would also happily say I can’t spend that amount of money on that. I do speak up though about that- we had a few hens and over seas weddings and it got ridiculous so I’ve since become very good at not letting people spend my money for me! Please send her a message on the group and say- others will be pleased. You can do it politely but say - train, meal and hotel is out of my budget but sounds amazing so have a great time! Type thing

I’m with you. I’ve been on lots of birthdays and hen dos that’ve involved a night or two away over the years and I’ve never considered it as spending money on the person being celebrated. I’m spending the money on me having fun with my friends and I’ve enjoyed nightlife in different parts of the country as a result.

If that’s not your thing, don’t go but I certainly wouldn’t view it as someone is expecting you to spend hundreds of pounds ‘on them’.

Yez people can celebrate and spend want they want on their own birthday jusy don't do the pouty tantrum one hand on the hip 'i am very disappointed in you' routine

You cant afford it, job done. No need to expand further

I voted YABU both because YABU to be judgey about a woman daring to celebrate and making a fuss of herself, and also because I hate it when people say they are spending X amount ON someone else. No, her birthday might be the impetus for the occasion but YOU will be drinking the drinks, eating the food, sleeping in the hotel etc. You are paying for yourself to enjoy those things.

However, she is B very U for guilt tripping you to go. It's fine for her to want to spend however much on her birthday, do whatever she fancies, and to invite whoever she wants, but she has to accept that people are under no obligation to go, and of course the more expensive and elaborate the celebrations the bigger the likelihood people will say no.

It's not unreasonable of her to invite you, but equally not unreasonable for you to say no.

I think it's perfectly ok for her to want to celebrate her birthday with her friends and to invite you it's also perfectly ok for you to decline the invitation. It's not ok for her to then send you a message to say she's disappointed or ask you why you don't want to go

Just say you don’t have the time & your other commitments need you to be around. I agree, it’s ridiculous!

I think it's rubbish to say adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays! But equally I think expecting others to fork out £££ on a massive celebration for a random birthday is ridiculous. By all means expect a fuss from family but don't get huffy if someone doesn't want to drop £300 on a night away to toast the fact you've 38.

It’s interesting that in our supposedly feminist society traditionally the only two events that’s been acceptable to celebrate women in a big way are marriage and having babies. Especially when the first often marks the start of a lot of misery tbh with half of marriages ending in divorces.

I am glad that’s changing.

I now see women doing big celebrations sometimes including gift registries for divorces, pHD graduations, first time (solo) home owner ownership and 40th or other milestone birthdays.

I’d be tempted to reply ‘I don’t like you quite enough to justify spending that sort of money’. 😂

Exactly, I went up to wales for a friends birthday and had a fab time enjoying my first time ever in wales as well as celebrating my friend and getting to know her family more. If I didn’t want to go I’d have said no. Simple. 😂

To me it’s an absolute non-issue - except of course in the case of OP’s friend where she has quite rudely asked OP to justify herself.

This has never happened in amongst my friends. We might meet up for a meal or just drinks. Only big birthday bash Ive been to in recent years was MIL’s and it was a garden party BBQ. It didn’t cost people anything to attend, but it did cost us a lot to organise it.