Birthday fuss and expense for others

I enjoy my friend's parties and celebrations, but one of my close friends has just turned forty and is now on her sixth celebration (inc weekends away, two parties, two birthday lunches) and is planning another. It is not just one day, but a whole year. It is so expensive.

I think it's more for an excuse just to have time away, birtbdays are a good excuse x

Ooh ouch! That's a bit shitty of people to pull that out on you last minute. Never done that to any of my friends when we have gone for a meal, we all just pay for ourselves. Just want the company of good friends, nothing more.

Yep. Personally I’d happily travel for both weddings and birthdays if I had the money and liked the person enough - but what gets me is the double standards with the people who say its an outrage to ask people to “fork out for your birthday” and yet think it’s ok to ask people to “fork out” the same or more for weddings, especially destination wedding. Or hen parties.

I had a friend choose not to come on a (European) city break with me on my 30th, that was absolutely fine and I didn’t ask her why as that would’ve been rude.

However, the same friend seemed put out I couldn’t travel to a southern African country for her wedding!

The flights at that time (2015) were around £900 and I was in a low-ish paid job and paying high rents in London. I would have loved to go and do some safari afterwards but I didn’t have any savings or a credit card back then either so I had to say no.

Her and her now husband haven’t been the same with me ever since lol

Take away the fact that it’s for a random age birthday. Would you want to go on a weekend away with these friends? That’s how I would look at it. Although I’m still not sure I’d want to.

YANBU.

It’s daft , people waste money too readily.
I’ll be honest, I probably would have gone to that kind of thing before I was a parent. But after you have kids, it takes available funds away from them.
That’s not to say i don’t spend money on myself or going out with friends, I do but a meal or a cheapish night out is fine.

I just can’t imagine wanting people to part with £300 for my birthday celebrations.

Yes that’s a bit mad to expect people to books hotels etc. I can understand for a big birthday or special occasion but even then I would never expect people to pay and I’d be peed off if I declined an invite and was questioned!!!!

we don’t do massive things for birthdays, especially adults. We tend to get a takeaway or something. For the kids we do a day out or party/activity with friends. Some people are more party people though and love the big fuss - and that’s fine, but don’t expect everyone to be able to afford the same.

Someone in my wider friendship group organises a meal for her birthday every year. I have been twice but each time someone says last minute when the bill is there “we will all obviously pay for the birthday girl”. Then the bill gets split even though I haven’t had as much as others so I won’t go to any more birthday meals. I just don’t have the money. I can afford my own meal and for a tip but not also to pay for the birthday girl and split the. I’ll rather than just paying for what I’ve had. You can’t announce in a group of 16 people that you don’t want to split the bill as you had less than them and you don’t want to pay for the birthday girl so I just don’t go.
I do think birthday celebrations are nice but if you don’t have/ don’t want to spend the money then that’s that.

I think it really excludes people. I would keep it simple and just enjoy the company. Dont reply. No need to explain.

It's not in your budget. Simple. Whether you can afford it doesn't matter. You're prioritising differently. She prioritises her birthday, which is fine. You aren't going. That's also fine. Her asking why is cheeky.

Well I feel this way about weddings and hen/stag dos too. If it costs much more than a gift and maybe a nice dress to attend then I’m not going. Extensive travel costs, especially ones necessitating the need for a hotel ain’t happening. I’d feel embarrassed asking people to do this.

For me -there aren’t enough social things arranged in general. When I look back at my life those sorts of gatherings and getaways are the absolute highlight. When they do happen it’s often me that arranges them so I love when someone else does.

I agree with this. It's hard to get a group of friends together and the months/years pass by so quickly. Of course you can plan a gathering for no specific reason. But often when you do this, people are keen but say they are busy, want to change the date, the details go back and forth and it doesn't end up happening.

Of course you don't have to go, and if you cant afford it well that's that. But I don't think she's wrong for having the idea.

I went to a three night thing for a friends 60th. Lovely Airbnb, included a hot tub and pool. Cost to me was £186 plus petrol and I brought food for all of us for one night (say £50 max). I’ve known my friend for over three decades and is one of my closest.
No way would anyone expect a hotel night away for a regular birthday! We normally do a lunch or dinner locally.
@Jaimelefromageyour friends need to demand more! They should have just as much fuss made of them, just don’t expect your friends to spend £300 each.

God I wouldn’t even ask someone to spend £100 for my birthday!

It wouldn’t be for me but then the people who I consider friends have a similar attitude to life as me.

Neither of you are wrong but you aren’t really friends, sounds like you know each other from your DDs’ activity.

Some people like going over the top on their own birthdays and want lots of fuss and nights away, and others prefer a more low key affair; both are ok.

it’s the fact that with some Prima Donnas, they want this big night out, good for them; but get pissy when one of the group declines, as they can’t justify £300, or that’s not their scene etc, or for whatever reason; they then have the gall to say they are disappointed with them, and interrogate them on the reason why they are missing Queen Bee’s birthday!! This woman is not your best friend either more a DS sports mum friend. Just reiterate you cannot attend but hopes she has a lovely time

I tend to think that, if I want to celebrate and I invite people, then I'm hosting them, feeding them. It's not usual in my friendship groups to be expected to pay loads to attend someone else's celebration.

Maybe it's normal in her friendship circle?

I think going for meals or days out is nice for birthdays, for friends. I wouldn't expect to pay hundreds though. I usually have a meal with family for my birthdays. I don't like a huge fuss. But often go out for meals one on one with my friends so ends up being a few nice (cheap for us all) dinner out dates. Usually go somewhere with deals or I can use a code on.

Sorry but untrue. Maybe for you.

No thanks. At most we would go out for a drink or meal with a group of friends. At my big birthdays, 30th 40th and 50th, I hired a local venue and paid for the food and drink.

No way would I go on a random weekend like this, especially for non-big birthday!

This is hilarious. Are we just supposed to pretend it’s not our birthday? If someone organises a meal or buys us gifts should we say ‘oh golly gosh, what’s all this in aid of, is it a special occasion?’

I agree with you. It's never okay to plan things that require your guests to spend a lot of money. Guests should only be expected to turn up, and to bring a resonably priced gift - the rest, all the extras, that's on the host to pay for. Want a hen-do in Ibiza? You pay for the whole thing. Want a 5-course engagement meal at an expensive restaurant? You pay for it. Want a birthday weekend away? You pay for it.

I would tell my friend, honestly, that I'm always up for celebrating anything, however, I'm inherently against people making elaborate party plans and then expect their guests to fork out for them. If 50 friends asked me to pay hundres of pounds for their birthday getaways, I'd spend half of my salary on just attending birthday parties. So, I've just decided, out of principal, to decline all invitations that require me to spend to attend.

I 100% agree! It just makes me cringe.