Birthday fuss and expense for others

It's annoying. I have two friends from different groups who want to have week long foreign holidays next year to celebrate their significant birthdays. I do not have the holiday leave or the money. Nor do I want to be away from my family that much!

Exactly … why are you turning it into such a drama? I can’t afford it … end of. She can plan what she likes for her bday.

I think for any event if it is further away or a more costly activity then you have to expect that everyone will be able to make it.
Also if there are a crowd of people already going then she wont really miss you.
I would just say if it was local you would come but its a big expense so you won't be able to make it but you hope she has a great time.
Oh and actually I think a lot of males do similar but perhaps before they have family commitments etc

Use your big girl words and tell her why. You don’t want to spend that amount of money on a birthday night out but will celebrate with her locally another time

....Sorry I won't be able to join you as I already have plans. Have a lovely time....

Your budget isn't her business.

It's not normal. When me or my husband Hve had 'big' birthdays we have always hosted and provided the food (whether in a restaurant or at home) but within our families, we have always been asked to pay for our meals out when celebrating other people's birthdays and I do not like it one bit.

Completely agree, even for milestone birthdays I have always been really considerate of asking others to shell out too much money, keeping it to a drink or meal. I really near to Xmas so am always pathetically grateful to anyone who can spare a few hours tbh! I know people in my situation who celebrate on another date in the year and (aside from the big ones) I always find this a bit cringe also, once one is an adult!

Not my experience in life at all.

Some people like to celebrate their birthdays and some don't. Nothing to do with if you are a boy, girl, man, or woman.
As it happens, I've been to birthday celebrations for 6 different people in the last 3 months, only one was female.

Totally agree. TBF no one in my real life does it, but I see posts like this where a grown woman is celebrating her birthday week!
About the men not doing it-it does seem sad that my young son,at about 8, knew the trope about "girl's birthday-a million messages/boy's birthday-none". I know that when I was younger, the only reason the boys/men in our group got celebrated was because of the girls/women there. Yes you could blame the individuals, but like the boys don't cry thing, it's at a societal level.

Different strokes for different folks. Assuming she has friends who will enjoy the birthday bash, and are not short of money.

I wouldnt see it as "celebrating them" its an excuse to do something nice. Ignore its a birthday do you fancy that trip with those people? Thats how id think about it. If its not something you'd want to do then just say no, its an invite not a summons. I think its nice to be invited, equally I wouldnt expect anyone to be offended if I just didnt fancy it!

While I personally don’t make as big a deal of my birthday and likely wouldn’t spend that much attending someone else’s who wasn’t a best friend, some people would love to so it’s perfectly fine to plan something like this and invite you along, YABU for judging that just because you wouldn’t do it. It is however also perfectly fine for you say no to attending, and she’d get a lovely YABU label for prying into why you’ve declined.

I probably would have simply replied something like ‘unfortunately have prior commitments, have a great time’ instead of delving into the fact you don’t think her event is worth spending your money on, there’s a chance that doesn’t end well and you have children who are friends and do activities together that require you to spend overnights with this woman. Can’t be undone though so hopefully the conversation ends there and things move on!

I’ve had this before and went along a couple of times but when Thailand was suggested as a birthday holiday trip for her I told her it was ridiculous

I would just say I can’t afford it - and it would be true!

Let us know her answer to your last text @Toooldforthisfuss

I did go along with some things in my teens and early twenties (concerts, expensive meals, holidays) that I wouldn’t agree to now.

So I do feel bad for women who spend so much on their friends’ hen dos and weddings and then feel like they overspent or the friendship wasn’t worth it.

id say it’s mostly for the internet , people want to be bigger and better than the next , same with Halloween , Easter , Christmas , birthdays it’s all for a big show I mean
come on we have back to school baskets , boo baskets , it’s exhausting and puts so much pressure on people

But the OP isn't asking "Is it okay if I say no"
She is asking if it is unreasonable for someone to invite her.

I'm with you, and the OP - I probably wouldn't go, but I don't think the friend is unreasonable to include the op by asking her if she would like to join them.

Agree, they are the ones getting married as long as they are there, that's all that matters.

YANBU. Definitely not. I recently had to say no to a friend wanting to do an expensive spa birthday group celebration whose individual birthday I had already celebrated! It’s too much. I spend most weekends taking my own two children to birthday parties, so I don’t have the energy for it from adults during this season of life TBH.

I agree with you. If I’m having a birthday party, I’ll host it. Pay for it. It will be local. You can give me a gift if you like! That’s it really. I’d go away with DH, BFF or my mum.

It's no worse than doing the same for a hen party. I wouldn't spend that kind of money on any type of party for myself or anyone else, but if others want to, good luck to them.

YANBU not to go.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun

So you are disagreeing with yourself, in your own opening post......
Some people might think "Oh, that sounds wonderful. I could really do with a night away without having to think about getting home or getting up for the dc", and it might be within their budget, because that is something they really, really enjoy. Others - incl a pp - might think it is great that someone else has done the organising of a get together and just love that they don't have to. Others, like yourself (and me) don't have that in their budget. Others just wouldn't fancy it. All are valid responses. There is nothing unreasonable whatsoever in arranging something and seeing if people want to join you. Just as there is nothing unreasonable in saying 'Thanks for thinking of my, but I can't" or "It's not for me, have a great time" or whatever.

but if they decline why question it?

This part, is a completely different question.

Of course if you organise something and someone you invite doesn't want to come, you have to accept that.

Though I can see if you invite 6 people to something and 4 or 5 say no thanks, it would be helpful to find if you've just picked the wrong date, or if it is the cost or the activity that people don't like, so you can know to arrange something different, or rearrange the date.