Birthday fuss and expense for others

Weddings no people can sod off but birthdays yes i also love a night away and you dont have to go they will have a good time and you wont,

Grown ups who want people to celebrate their birthdays should host and pay. Unless it’s a casual “meet for birthday drinks”.

You might have intended that statement to be a joke perhaps, but I actually agree with it!

Yanbu.
This is not normal at all.
£300 to go away on a random birthday with a random group?
I too could easily afford it but wouldn't be interested.
However, the why not question is really rude and THAT would give me the ick and make me wary.

I’m with you OP and I’ve always been like this. I even had a local hen night as I hate the idea of my guests forking out to go away and it turned out great as loads came as they could just pop in for a drink or two and not be committed to a whole night away. One of my best friends had just gone back to work after maternity leave so she popped in with her sister for a while and I know the last thing she’d have wanted is a night away after leaving her baby at childcare all week. It’s not about the money it’s about the time away. I’d rather spend it with my family and also during term time at the weekends all I want to do is relax at home in the evenings as the daytimes are spent with either DH or myself bringing them to their activities or birthday parties. One weekend activity both my girls go to has started back this morning. But those nights away are a big thing in some social circles and I know some of the school mums think I’m odd for not loving those sort of trips.

These egotistical "destination" celebrations are absolutely ok -

provided the host covers all the guests' costs. 😊

If they don't or won't do that, then it's ok to decline if it's not within your budget or your time.

Well yes, that’s why you can decline if it’s not for you. Why would anyone say yes to an invitation to something they don’t want to go to?

Absolutely, expensive summer holidays, new uniforms to buy & people thinking about Christmas. I'm not surprised lots of people said no

It's alot of money for a night away & it's so rude she questioned why you aren't going

I'm clearly in the minority here but the whole 'night/ weekend away' thing I generally hate. Fine if with close friends (even though this too in my case tends to end up in people getting too drunk and causing dramas) but I just don't see the appeal of being on a weekend away with people just because our kid is in the same class at school or on the same sports team. The amount of organising I need to do to have the rest of the family braced for me not being there for days. Then we are always going somewhere I have no interest in and doing stuff i don't enjoy with people I barely know and it always costs a fortune. I honestly dread getting these invitations!

I think you have handled it well OP by just saying you can't go, but these people who make a fuss about birthdays tend to get very annoyed when people don't go along with it so expect future frostiness.

I think MN seems to attract a lot of very unsociable people. In real life, people tend to like going out and socialising with their friends, and appreciate being invited along to things.
I agree that in this situation, asking why the OP didn’t want to go was a bit much, but that’s particular to this situation. In general, inviting someone along to something isn’t offensive or unreasonable.

How boring life would be if we all just spent our time and resources doing things with our immediate family. There’s loads of posts on here about how people find it hard to make friends and want to do more socially.

You were invited to a night away with dinner, cocktails and a hotel stay. Sounds fun to me, I’d probably have gone. Irrelevant that it’s ’for her birthday’, as others have said, that’s just a hook. You don’t fancy it, so fine, you’ve said no.

Your friend did miss the mark slightly asking you why you said no but perhaps she genuinely wanted to understand more about why there wasn’t as much interest as she hoped so she can adapt or suggest something a bit different next time. Sounds like she’s taken your response gracefully and moved on.

Based on what you’ve said, I think you should reframe this in your mind. Rather than being upset she wanted you to spend money on her for her birthday, wasn’t it actually a nice thing she tried to do in inviting you to a social event? No need to make a big deal of it. Perhaps she could have done things differently but it’s brave to put yourself out there and be the one to initiate activities such as this. As someone else mentioned, it’s now a bit embarrassing for her that it’s seemingly a bit of a flop. Cut her some slack.

Exactly. If I go out for a meal and cocktails for my friend’s birthday, then I am getting a meal and cocktails out with my friends! If I go on a hen weekend, I am getting a weekend away with my friends. If I don’t want to go, I say no.

I don't think she should be questioning you declining, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting to go away with friends to celebrate her birthday. I wouldn't see it as spending money on her, I'd be spending money on the experience for myself. I went to Ibiza for a friends birthday when I was younger, it wasn't even a very close friend but I had close friends going on the trip and had a great time. I've had a few nights away for friends birthdays too, it's been fun and not something I viewed as a gift to them.

Absolutely correct. Also goes for hen weekends and destination weddings. Especially nowadays when for most people money is tighter. It's an unhealthy narcissism. Why should your friends shell out for YOUR celebration?

Why is this embarrassing? We are getting older, we should at least get a cake and a few cocktails out of it 😂. I agree with OP that no one should be spending £100s on someone's birthday and her friend is being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect my friends to do this but I do love going out for a nice meal locally with family/drinks with friends for my birthday. Everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday and in my opinion no one should be made to feel embarrassed about it.

Well yes most birthday things I've been to are like this, most people have a few groups of friends. It's how you meet new people and form new social groups. I feel sorry for her that her idea is flopping though.

Yes I really don't understand the MN thing of taking offence at an invite. If I don't want to go or can't afford it I just... say so? And there's no drama or bad feelings.

How embarrassing for her, and messaging you to ask why is very cringey.

Everyone gets the dinner and cocktails though don’t they, not just the person whose birthday it is?
OP maybe it would help if you tell your friends you’d rather not be invited to things like this?

I agree with this. It’s not necessarily about celebrating the person whose birthday it is, it’s about all getting together and doing something nice! The birthday is just the excuse for the get together. Everyone is getting the holiday!
I have never taken offence to being invited to something. It’s nice to be invited! If I want to go I go, and if I don’t I don’t.

Often this sort of thing is about having a big night out with a particular group of people, rather than being me-me-me. The birthday is the mechanism to get everyone's shit together because if you tried to organise a big night out with no "reason" attached then people would flake. In a few months they'll do the same for another of the friends' birthdays.

I once went to Berlin "for a friend's birthday". Everyone who went wanted to go anyway and had talked about planning it - the birthday was just the hook. She didn't make us celebrate her specifically while we were out there!

In my experience making a fuss over one's birthday isn't defined by gender at all.