Birthday fuss and expense for others

I was thinking this. Not so much with my friend group, but my ‘mum friend group’. The ladies usually try to organise something like this around special occasions like birthdays otherwise it’s pretty random to organise a night away/dinner etc.around work/kids especially as these happen so rarely. It works out a treat for everyone, the birthday girl just happens to be the one organising! A few of my mum friends joined me In Milan a few months ago for a lewis Capaldi gig! I was going to with husband and nanny and baby, but he couldn’t go due to his work schedule I mentioned it to a mum (I chat too like you do not besties of anything) on pick up, she said she would love to come, she mentioned it so another mum, and so it went and in the end it was 6 of us! It was my birthday month but it wasn’t actually for my birthday, I was going to do this anyway and a few people tagged along! I was very touched though, at one of the meals I was given a card and a gift and they paid my portion too! (But I think more because I organised flights/hotels and tickets!)It was roughly about £500 per person including concert tickets but the ladies were pleased with themselves for a 2 nights away in Milan! There was one mum who said she would liked too but couldn’t afford it/childcare. When another mum had something for her birthday she did go! You are entitled to feel the way you do and to decline which you have done but it really depends on your social circle! We took out toddler skiing this year and my husband best mate from boarding school and his wife (child free couple) tagged along! He mentioned to his friend we were going, the wife text me for details and voila they joined us! And were surprisingly not put off my toddler and baby weaning at meal times!!! All sorts in the world, no need to be angry about it

I took them on a UK break instead. I meant I couldn’t take them abroad that year - they still visited a beach and had fun and were young so didn’t care either way which is the only reason I went ahead with the hen do. I also held my friend highly in my priorities at that time before later in the year realising she didn’t hold me the same in hers. Sometimes life gives you lessons doesn’t it.

come and spends hundreds for my birthday

cringe and shameless

I would be fine with a friend saying I want to do X for my birthday. I would not be fine with friend being difficult if I decided my answer was no

‘I’ve declined with no dramas’

So what’s the issue then? Honestly I think you need to tell your ‘friends’ to stop inviting you to things, as an invitation alone provokes these feelings in you. It would be better to have a a blanket ‘no invitations’ rule than to go through this level of distress every time a friend invites you along to something.

Yeah this is what struck me too. This person is supposed to be the OP’s friend. I’d be so upset if my friends were talking about me like this, for the crime of… inviting them for a night away.
That saying comes to mind… with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Why didn’t you politely decline the hen do? I’d never say yes to attending something like that if it meant my children wouldn’t get a holiday.
These things are within our control…

I think some people are just very self absorbed. A few years ago, I spent £800 attending a hen do abroad (meaning I couldn’t take my children on holiday that year) plus extra for the wedding. Plus it was the friends 30th birthday later same year that also cost a fair amount. When it came to my birthday she suggested ‘crisps and dip’ at a mutual friends house because she couldn’t even be arsed to go for a meal. I’ve learnt the hard way that some people are happy for a lot to be spent on them and love the attention on them but god forbid it’s someone else’s turn. Keep my circles very small now.

You don’t think it would be fun? You’re allowed to treat yourself.

Ah that's so sad. She clearly wants that big type of group of girl friends and doesn't have it, so she's tried to force it with random people she knows, but it hasn't really worked. Hopefully the 4 of them will still have a good time!

The contempt dripping from your posts though, is staggering. I would be devastated if someone I thought was a friend thought about me the way you're thinking and talking about her. Ew. You're not her friend.

i think common sense dictates that the birthday is going to entail the expense of a hotel etc. Most people with young children don’t have that sort of money for that sort of low-priority event unless they live the kind of privileged life where it’s normal. As not many others are going it should be obvious.

But they aren't "spending it on her birthday" they are (if they choose to go) spending it on a night away and night out.

Would it bother you less if the friend had said "We've got a tradition of always going away for a night or two at the end of September, would you like to join us?"

This is a newish friend, how would she have any idea what the OP's budget is for going out and enjoying herself? Even people who have the same budget have very different priorities about what they spend it on. People spend all sorts of money on things I wouldn't consider spending money on, and I presume there will be things I spend money on that others might say they 'can't afford'. That's even before we obviously all have different amounts of money available to us.

Exactly. And tbh so what if it “excludes people”? It’s their birthday, they can plan what they want!

The same way as someone getting married in another country or even another part of the UK might “exclude” some people, but it’s still up to the couple! They are the ones who will have people missing from their celebration if they can’t afford it. But it’s perfectly fine for them to decide having some people missing is worth it to have their wedding where they want.

I still have fond memories of my 30th to a European city. Went with 3 other friends.

Had invited a few others who wouldn’t come. So what?

Our friendship didn’t end, they didn’t cry about it and I didn’t either.

What I did is have a fantastic time away in a new city with 3 of my closest friends.

I wouldn’t dream of making someone feel bad about having a celebration that I couldn’t attend. Equally I wouldn’t dream of making someone feel bad if they couldn’t attend one of my celebrations.

Both are very selfish entitled attitudes. Irrespective of whether it’s a wedding or a birthday or a hen party.

Surely she can't be dense enough not to realise that it's an awful lot of money to expect others to spend on her birthday?

If you are all from a social group of high earners where it is the norm that is one thing. But if you obviously aren't all rolling in cash it is a real cheek.

surely not asking them excludes them more definitively?!

Big birthday celebrations might be the norm amongst this woman's other friendship group/s and family and she might think she's doing a nice thing by inviting OP. You only have to see the amount of posts on here moaning about being left out of an invite that sometimes people can't do wrong for doing right.

The only thing the friend did wrong was not take OP's no for an answer. __

I questioned, when I politely declined (without drama), was it normal to be asked why?

I think if you arrange something you think will be lovely, and most people turn it down (as seems to be the case here) then quietly trying to find out what it is about it people that is making people turn it down is a sensible thing to do though. She's not asked you for reasons in the group chat / in front of anyone else, she is just trying to establish

• is is that particular date or
• is the the activity she has proposed or
• is it the cost or
• something else.

From what you posted, there has been no drama about it, just a quick check to see if there's something she could do differently that will make a difference to people or if the whole idea is unappealing to people. She hasn't been rude or tried to pressurise you in to going, and hasn't blocked you or 'cut you off' as so many people on MN talk about with far too much frequency.
If you were the only one not going, she probably wouldn't have asked, but as more people seem to not be going than are, it is fine to find out why, and therefore if it is worth trying a tweaked idea or not.

Everyone else feels the same!

Agree that it’s not unreasonable to ask, but in my experience and as this OP also found, people often do then question or pressure you if you say no or suggest something cheaper.

I would guess her family never makes a fuss of her birthday so she's decided to take matters into her own hands.
However asking why you've declined is rude.

it does sound in part like the issue is your friends tho if you can't ever go away without them causing drama. perhaps you need more chill friends!

but you don't need to dread them, just decline. if you're a lone parent or you've got kids with complex needs, which I assume you have from the "bracing for me being away" then I think people just accept it isn't practical anyway.

I wouldn't consider a friend who does to be asking me to spend that money on HER. I assume the idea is you have a night away, a good meal, go and do something fun etc. That's money you're spending on yourself, unless she's asking you to pay for her?

she is rude to not just accept no tho, is it possible she was willing to adjust plans slightly to enable you to go if you wanted? in which case I think a "I can't justify spending that on a weekend away" is perfectly direct enough

That’s a lot, especially if it’s not a special birthday. I would only dream of organising something like that for really close girlfriends for a special birthday, but we all like going away together for a special occasion. And it’s usually floated as an idea first so we can all agree what we fancy/budget etc.

There is definitely a small proportion of people who want to celebrate everything in style. In my friendship groups it’s both men and women. Thank god they are in the minority.

We simply don’t have the budget to spend upwards of $2000 AUD on a milestone birthday (sometimes much more!) I’m talking international holidays for 40th birthdays, which from Australia costs a bomb as you would imagine.

I send regrets and leave the WhatsApp group every time. Haven’t ever lost a friendship as a result.