My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not.

Your step kids were asked he was told.

Hopefully you can see the difference. and how he would feel that his view is of no importance, expecially when you put it with your new DH, moving the step kids in etc.

This bit jumped out at me

'When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.'

This sounds as though you switched all your care and attention towards your three bereaved step-children and your son felt neglected and left out.

Most step-parents don't formally adopt their step-children so this is a very big and unusual step which you made without discussing this with your son.

If you go ahead with this, I think that you will lose your son.

And what does that mean… how can three kids be “all around 15”

That’s unlikely to happen. They’re all around 15 and they’d just vote to stay with op.

Did none of this came up when you discussed the possibility of adoption with the children?

Surely you didn’t just announce it to them all as a done deal?

Why did you speak to your son after your step-children?

You’ve said when their mother died your attention “naturally” shifted to them - I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself and consider if you’ve ever shifted that attention back to including your son. He obviously feels like you’ve no place for him in your new family.

your step kids get you, and your very evident devotion to them, 100% of the time.

Because their mother died. I expect they'd rather have their other parent and have op 50% of the time, like ds does.

There is no way you should have spoken with your stepchildren about adopting before him.

Shouldn't have spoken first to the people who it's actually about?

I think that the first person you should have discussed this with, before your husband or step children, is your son - he's apparently your 'whole world' and yet he was the last person in your family to be consulted. That speaks volumes.

You say he has overheard you being very negative about your first marriage, and his father who he loves - can you stop and think for a minute about how this has made him feel?

I don't see the need to adopt your husband's children, who are just a few years off adulthood. Especially as you know how your son feels about it. If you go ahead against his wishes, you will effectively alienate him and it's possible that your relationship with him will not recover. Is this a price you're willing to pay?

What you need to do is spend some time with your son and really talk and try and repair some of the damage.

So basically he was side lined for the 50% of the time he is even in your home while you prioritised someone else’s children.

Your sons heard you talking about how horrible it was with your ex and believes that includes him.

You announce adoption plans to your new children before even talking to your son.

You get angry at him when he doesn’t want the cuckoos coming to his birthday to the extent he now won’t talk to you at all and all you still care about is the adoption really.

Id never put someone else’s children before my own like this.

This is awful. PP makes a good point about how they have you 100% of the time versus his 50% which is inevitable but still a big factor. They aren’t his siblings however close you feel to them and I can see why he’s recoiling like this. You didn’t involve him and that says a lot.

They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it
He is my absolute world

Not exactly matching statements.

Whether you agree with your son or not you need to listen to him and understand where he is coming from or you will lose him.

Your poor son, I really feel for him. Fifteen is a particularly vulnerable age too and you tend to internalise a lot. I find it hard to believe you didn’t discuss the idea with him before it got this far!
This situation would have absolutely destroyed me as a teenager.

You have to tread this extremely carefully OP. 15 is an extremely difficult age for him and for you.
he’s heard you rant and rave about his dad over years???? No wonder he has come to the conclusion he has.
I would not be adopting your step kids any time soon, and start to build back up your relationship with your DS

Why on earth didn’t you speak with your son first? You just presented him with this as a done deal, that you and your new family decided. Awful

I'd drop the whole subject and work on reassuring your son of his importance to you. TBH I think it was a big mistake to discuss it with your stepchildren before talking to him.

They are getting beyond the age where having 2 parents with equal legal responsibility is helpful on a practical level, anyway and will soon be adults.

You need to also consider that you were in a marriage that wasn't working had an emotional affair then carried on the relationship and now live a happy family with your partner and his children

In his eyes whether rightly or wrongly as you said it wasnt drama : he had a family and suddenly it broke up and your partner was straight on the scene and you all became a family and hes hearing you bemoan his father/the marriage (basically his family) in most situations when a family breaks up there is time for the child to deal with the break up before dating and new families this didnt happen here.

They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it

This leapt out at me... attention shifted from what? It does sound very much like you have sidelined him. To lose your temper when he asked for your solo attention on his birthday of all things was really not the best

I wouldn't do this. What if you and your husband divorce in the future? It might not seem possible now, but these things happen. Prioritise your child and safeguard his future.

Sorry but I would not be held to ransom by my 15 year old. He’d have to just deal with it

This. How to show him who is the priority.

This. Adopting them changes nothing other than alienates your son.

Why on earth did you discuss it with your stepchildren before discussing it with your son?

Surely it would be more disrespectful for the children to have to go into care in the event of their father’s death, rather than be able to stay in the care of a woman who loves them.

Why has he heard so much about your poor marriage? You can also bet his Dad has been feeding the replacement narrative.

Put everything on hold and organise some counselling and time with just you and your son as soon as possible, I think you'll find he's been feeling replaces since he gained step-siblings.

I am hoping this is nonsense and actually @pirdgz doesnt have any kids and instead is alone in her bed sit making up crap on Mumsnet

Oh my God did you really ask someone else's kids BEFORE you talked to your own son?!

You should never have had this conversation without talking to him first. He should have been the first person you discussed it with before anyone else at all.

So now you can fuck up your relationship with your actual son by prioritising your husband and his kids over your son, or choose not to do that and have another man's kids and your husband feeling resentful towards your own flesh and blood.

By trying to please your husband and his kids without even considering your son first, you've really painted yourself into a fucked up corner, there will be damage done no matter what. I don't know what to tell you.