My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

OP your words say he is your world, but your actions don't.

I don't for a minute disbelieve that you love the bones of your DS, but you have demonstrated priority for the feelings and needs of step-kids over him. I don't know if you spoke to him before you spoke to them about the adoption, but from your OP it doesn't sound like it and that was a huge mistake.

In your shoes I would accept that I have to backtrack somewhat.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with the stepkids and I can understand why you, DH and they would like to make the relationship formal, but this is not the priority and if the relationship IS that strong, they will understand.

You don't have to tell them it won't be happening but you do need to say that DS needs time and space to consider it and that it won't be happening until ALL of you feel ready.

And then lots of talking with your DS. But make sure that those conversations aren't about you trying to 'persuade' him it will be fine, but rather about how he feels and what his reservations are. Really listen to him and try to reassure him that nothing will happen until he is ready and you accept that might be never.

Hopefully you'll come to this way of thinking, but I think the only way to fix this is shelve adoption and tell you're son you're truly sorry he has been so sidelined (not 'felt', because he actually has been) and that you will do whatever you can to mend things. Then spend long term, committed 1 on 1 time with him going forward.

You need to build and repair with your son. May be a weekend away together to help him to feel special again. He might have all kinds of ideas about how he is as an emerging man - similar to his dad in ways - and how you might feel about that.

Your step kids will understand.

This. He should have been the first to hear sboit it.

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it.

Without running it by your son first, not even a heads up? You decided such a major step with zero input from your son, not even telling him you were thinking about it. You showed him by making that decision without including him who your real family is.

It sounds like your son found himself, yet again, your dead last priority and he resents that and you. You're about to lose him for good because you've made him an outsider in your family and he's been replaced by your husband's kids.

He is my absolute world

Hardly.

Holy Lord, you seem to have no insight into his feelings and vulnerability

This type of controlling, dictatorial attitude is exactly how kids get fucked up. I’m the adult so I’m going to do what I want regardless of the impact on others.

OP, your son’s behaviour and anger is communicating deep deep hurt and insecurity. He’s only 15 and was only 9 when the other children came into his life. He’s built his own interpretation of how things have been based on a child’s world view…children don’t have the capacity and life experience of adults to process things. To expect him to view things the same way as an adult is unfair. Poor kid thinks he was a mistake because of what he’s heard you say. Can you imagine how heavy that is for him to have carried for so long?

He needs you more now than ever to prioritise him, listen to him, meet him where he’s at, reflect on your actions and do what he needs.

He isn’t trying to dictate or control. He’s hurting and this is his language to communicate it.

I feel so sorry for your son. I'm over sixty and I'm still very hurt and angry that my mother has prioritized my sister over me my whole life. I can't imagine how furious I would be if she had prioritized children that are nothing to do with her over me!

Forget about the adoption.
You have a lot of work to do to fix not putting your son first.

You asked your step children before even talking to your son?
That was a HUGE mistake.

You need to put you son first now and try to work through this with him.

How your step children feel should not be your priority right now.

They wouldn't need to go into care.
An application for guardianship could be processed

Yes I agree. Focus on your relationship with your son.

I really feel for your DS. Can you take him for a weekend away just the two of you and really talk to him? Are you prepared to hear what he might say? It would probably be that he doesn't consider your stepkids to be siblings at all. He must be very hurt to have reacted like this. Do you ever do anything just with him and not your new family? Family therapy might be helpful.

I can understand why your son is upset. You may have been happy to be out of an unhappy marriage to his Dad but he shouldn’t have had to hear it growing up.
I was in a terrible relationship with my child’s father but they have never heard me say a bad word about it because it’s not going to do them no good to hear it.

Also to go from being an only child and then having step siblings who needed a lot of support (which is understandable due to the circumstances) it does look like he has got pushed a side.

You need to put your son first here and repair your relationship with him before it’s too late.

You don't need to formally adopt these children, being your stepchildren is sufficient, they already think of you as their mum. They are not little kids who need a bit of paper for security.

I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings.

They’re not his siblings! To him they are just your dh’s children. Because you’ve formed a maternal bond with them, doesn’t mean your son feels the same way. Can’t you see how he would perceive that you’ve sidelined him? Not only do they live with you full time, you’re going to take steps to formalise their relationship to you, to make them on a par with your ds, and you announced this to him as a fait accompli, as though his thoughts and feelings don’t matter. I’m afraid you’ve handled this really badly. I would put this on the back burner, while you try and sort things with your ds. At least if you pause things, he will see that he does matter to you. If you plough on regardless, it will have an immense impact on his relationship with you.

He's a young lad with divorced parents who thinks his mum loves her stepkids - who live with her full-time - more than him so don't bother trying to insert your "patriarchy" shit here. In fact you're the only one who's done that in the whole thread so shame on you.

It was a very big mistake to criticize his father when he could hear - presume you did that in telling everyone how bad you marriage to his DF had been. From my own childhood - my mother did this and I have never forgotten it and it has affected me always.

Sorry, but it sounds like you handled the whole thing really badly. From letting him hear you slag off his dad over the years, to not speaking to him first about the adoption plans.

He must be feeling like an extra in your new, shiny life - which you obviously feel is the life you should have always had but for your derailment for a few years with your son’s dad.

If you don’t want to lose him forever you have a metric fuck tonne of making up to do. Your DH should fully support you on this, given how much you’ve obviously poured into his kids.

Totally disagree.

The son needs to know that he is more important to his own mother than the step children. Which he currently doesn't.

Why do you want to adopt them given they're teens now? In a relatively short time they'll be adults and don't need anyone with parental responsibility for them. Was it more for the gesture?

I do think you should have spoken to him first rather than presented it as a done deal. If you adopt them they are legally his siblings as much as your children, and so I think he would have to be on board with this.

I'd pause the adoption, and acknowledge you got this wrong from his point of view and try and build bridges.

Would your ex help in speaking to him?

^^ Absolutely

Many kids in blended families politely tolerate their stepparent and step siblings for their parent’s sake and would have nothing to do with them if the relationship ended.

OP might feel as bonded to them as biological children but I suspect that the son doesn’t feel anything close to that.

If it’s about legal rights then surely that can be sorted through a will or OP obtaining parental rights so she could make decisions like medical
ones in an emergency.

Quietly put the adoption idea on the back burner for now while you make efforts to shore up and repair your relationship with your son.

You should really have included him in the discussion about adoption before virtually promising it to your stepchildren. The fact that you didn't will be confirming to him that they are replacing him in your life and he is being sidelined. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course but you do need to make some amends here.

Why on earth did you snap and lose your temper when he first asked you to attend the birthday do his father was hosting on your own? I really don't see the issue with that and it was a foot in mouth moment from you which will have gone further towards reinforcing the feeling of him being sidelined by you. You couldn't then walk it back when you later changed your mind because the damage was already done.

You need a calm conversation with him now and need to make time for just the two of you to go out and do things together - go for lunch, a coffee, for walks and a good chat. Explain why he has misinterpreted what he heard you say about your first husband and has the wrong end of the stick.

I do see some advantages to the proposed adoption as others have said, and it would provide more security for them, but there might be other ways to achieve most of that (guardianship, wills?) that are worth looking into and possibly wouldn't alienate your son as much. Especially if you take the time to explain to him why they are needed and that they don't replace him in your life - his place is secure.

For me, if I had to choose between the adoption or a relationship with my blood children then it would be no contest, even though I can see the pluses of the adoption too.

Take your time with it. So far you have handled it pretty insensitively and you need to change that.

It sounds like you’ve been putting energy into your new step kids whilst forgetting about your son. Why do you need to adopt them? It’s unnecessary.

I’m confused by the timeline, you were with your son’s dad for seven years, you’ve been married to your current husband for 10 years yet your son is 15.
How old was your son when you split with his dad, did he have you on your own for a while or did he have to go straight from living with a mum and dad to suddenly living with you a step dad and 3 other children?
I know you want this to be a happy family your son doesn’t.