My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

It sounds like the life i had as kid.
I became a shadow in my own home hard to explain, I was there but wasn't seen, I was the brat if I said anything.
Other kids came first, the marriage end years later, and mother wanted to just act like nothing happened, well I was long gone by then.

As the years past the less I wanted to be near her as it was all about the other poor kids, and dating men.

Ive built a life for myself its been 24 years ive had no contact, and shes is now on marriage 3 so I heard.
Men and other people came first with her 🙄 still do for the sounds of it.

I feel for you son. They get you all the time while he gets you half the time. Has your husband offered to adopt him? He probably feels like he's the outsider in his family. A formal adoption will make him more so. He'll be the one being moved around different homes while you devote your time to your formally newly adopted kids. He gets less of you and this probably solidifies it for him. It's going to be hard to come back from this.

I'm an adoptive parent so I don't tell you this lightly..don't do it. This clearly means a lot to your son. It's just a piece of paper. Why don't you just become a legal guardian for them but not adopt.

Why even entertain idea of adopting?
And you asked stepkids first, so your son must agree or he's 'not nice'.
You move in a man, he has no voice in it.
You move other children, he has no voice in it.
Now you want to adopt them?
Some people might think you are a good stepmother. I don't think so, that kind of dinamics can't be good for relationships between your step kids and your child.
You are horrible mother.

Adopting your stepchildren won’t actually make any difference to them. You can have a close bond with them without that.
But rightly or wrongly your son feels it would make a big difference to him. He needs the security of feeling he is more valued by you than they are, and having an external sign of this.
Your stepchildren have their own father. Let your son have his own mother.

I think it is very telling that the stepchildren have an incredibly close bond with OP and call her Mum, and yet OP's DS doesn't even consider his stepdad and stepchildren to be part of his family. That's despite the children being a similar age and living together for 10+ years.

It's absolutely clear that your son doesn't think you love him as much as his step-siblings and adopting them would be the final nail in the coffin.

Why do you want to adopt anyway? The children are all "around 15" so approaching adulthood so most of the legal reasons to do so are diluted. Why not do this a few years ago when they were younger when there would have been much more point? I also can't believe that the step-children are happy to effectively erase their mother from their lives. do they still see grandparents or other extended family on her side? What do they think about this?

If true tho.

Just think your mother divorced your dad for her affair partner moves in his children 100% of the time and wants to adopt them after sidelining you for them, running down your dad and their marriage and only kinda bothers with you 50% of the time.

Even shares big family news with them first and would rather not attended her own child’s birthday than not have the new family there.

I hope its a 🧌

Children don't get to dictate whether they are only children or not, whether by birth or adoption. So I think you need to stick to your guns on that.
As a separate issue I think you need to focus on strengthening your relationship with your son and increasing his sense of security in your love.
He will make that hard, because he's holding out for total no compromise compliance from you. But when that's off the table, you will need to keep working extra hard on offering him time, love and attention, so that there will be no evidence at all that the adoption has been detrimental to him.

Look at it through your child’s eyes from the day you left his dad.

You had all ready met your now DH, you were having an emotional affair. You cheated on his dad. As a result of both you and your exH’s actions, his family broke up and was shuttled between the 2 houses.

Then you married this bloke, blended your 2 families together, and then his kids came to live with you full time whilst he got shuttled around.

He’s overheard you talking about your past awful life, and how it’s so much better now.

Now you want to adopt your SC, to make them on equal footing to him. You didn’t even discuss it with him first. You took a fine deal to him.

Now you are upset about his reaction 🤷

I feel so sorry for him. Like so many children talked about on here, he’s had all this dumped on him with no say in it, and had to slap a false smile on his face whilst sucking it up.

Not sure what to advise really. I think the damage is already done.

First, that isn’t a reason that the OP gives for wanting to adopt the children. Her reasoning isn’t clear.

Second, as the children have lived with the OP for over 3 years, she and her husband could apply for an order that the children live with them both of them and for an order granting her parental responsibility. She doesn’t have to adopt them. She just wants to adopt them.

My guess?

PBP

I would add it speaks volumes that you've decided to adopt DH kids but DH has not asked to adopt your son? He can still adopt if his biological dad is alive.

I think this shows that you and DH have made very little effort on the relationship between DH and your son. Your 3 stepchildren lost their mum but will have taken comfort and strength from each other over the years. You son has no full sibling. How much effort have the stepchildren made to include your son?

It does sound like he's been sidelined.

I think you should have spoken to your son before your SC.

But I also don't think an irrational 15 year old gets to make life decisions for you, and I don't think you shouldn't do it because he said so.

No idea how you fix a mess you kinda created though.

You are mad to consider doing this in these circumstances. Your son must come first - he is clearly telling you he feels you’ve never put him first.

Wow.

Do the step-kids actually know you adopting them would erase their dead mum from their legal existence basically? Like she never existed? I can’t get my head round how you’re even considering it. I assume they don’t realise that.

It’s so disrespectful to their dead mum. Nevermind all the shit you’ve put on your son.

This^

But he is more important. At least he should be. There should be no one more important to a parent than their own child. They should always be put first. End of.

Absolutely no need to adopt your stepchildren. The only thing it will achieve is that they’ll have equal rights of inheritance to your son.

I can see why he’s upset. They’re not your children and he is. And what if you get divorced? These things happen. Then they’re officially your children and you’d have to maintain them etc.

I don’t understand what you hope to achieve by adoption? Have you had legal advice?

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not.

You aren't acting like a cohesive family, you are making decisions as a 'family' with your step kids and husband.. but informing your son of what you have decided in his absence.

I actually see why he is so furious with you, with him being 50/50 with his dad, you are spending a lot of time with those kids when he isn't there, it is bound to make him feel excluded, even if you don't mean to.. the fact that you are making such serious life decisions without even mentioning it to him, shows where you see him in the family heirachy.

Plus, he is 15 and will not be able to handle this in a mature objective way, it will feel like a rejection, where as to an adult it is a lovely thing to do. Couple in you speaking awfully about your marriage and his dad in earshot of him, and you have really dropped the ball on all of this.

So in 15 years your son as seen his parents break up went through the divorce, his mum dating then getting married again, no doubt hes been uprooted a few times, having new people coming in his home, now you want to adopt someone else's kids.

Fuck that.

If ever there was a problem for a family therapist I would suggest this would be it.

I wouldn’t let a 15yr old manipulate you in this way.

If you’d chosen to have another baby with your second husband, he wouldn’t get a say in that either.

He’s blackmailing you and with blackmailers, where does it stop? What if next year he wants a £1k computer and the following year he wants a motorbike or he’ll move in with his dad?

I’d be very clear with him that this is not related to how I feel about him and do my best to reassure him but ultimately, I’d definitely call his bluff.

Bloody hell, that poor boy!

He already watches his Mum be a full time Mum to his step sibs - while he is ferried back and forth to be part time with his own Mum and P/t with Dad so he probably already feels replaced in his Mum's family and that you are more of a Mum to them than to him = purely as a result of his parents being separated - none of his doing..

You had no business EVER letting him hear you rant about and criticise his Dad . An emotional reaction in a young person is not 'misconstruing' or misunderstanding - it is a subconscious feeling of insecurity. And he loves the dad that you - the other person he loves - is heard hating - he's piggy in the middle, not a secure place to be.

Your step Dc have a biological parent and a step parent in a secure stable relationship.

Your Ds has a biological parent and a step parent but is feeling insecure

Why is it necessary to adopt your SDc in order to feel like a family? Your DH already has you as full time and very good step mum to his kids.

Listen with more empathy to your ds.

You had a great set up - close relationship with your ds (albeit undermined by your criticising his dad) , close relationship with your DSc.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Is there any real point adopting them when they're a couple of years away from legally being adults? Seems a bit pointless and more a grand gesture to show them you love them. Chances of their dad dying in the next 2-3 years is unlikely.

Meanwhile you snap at your 15yo for his dad hosting him on his birthday and completely missed his birthday altogether. He was being rude stubborn but he's dealing with complex feelings and struggling.

I think you should have still made an appearance on his birthday, even if he was unpleasant and you were turned away at the door. I would've matched his stubborness and turned up with a present.