My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

All of this. Poor kid.

Surely the first thing to address here is the fact you didn’t celebrate his birthday. You have to make that up to him. Just you! Not the extra family, you. Take him out for the day. Just you and him. Let him choose the activities, the restaurant etc. Make him feel like a priority.

How old are your step kids?

They are not his siblings, they are your new husbands children. Random kids he’s known for 6 years. Very sad to lose their mum but it’s their dad’s job to help them through it. Prioritise your own child, you’ve already been careless with him hearing your negative opinions on his dad. Whatever the situation it’s not his fault and you expressing yourself to people who will indulge you and take your side isn’t as important as putting him first and shielding him from the fallout of your previous relationship.

I agree with this. I've told my husband the only circumstances in which I'd want my kids adopted if I died is if it was 100% their choice and they said they needed it to feel safe and loved. The thought of it still breaks my heart but if it made them feel better without me then fair enough.

This is unlikely to be a knee jerk reaction from him upon hearing you want to adopt them, he's probably been feeling like an outsider in his own family long before this - which you need to resolve before you adopt.

How old are the stepkids?

You are presenting the adoption without taking into account your son's thoughts or feelings. 15 is a time when boys seek to identify more with the make parent so there is a genuine risk you could lose contact.

I would say 6 years isn't an m excessive amount of time and to go through adoption. Especially in your own child teen years. Let him grow up feeling more secure as the risks at this age are very high

Don’t adopt them. It’s not like they are toddlers they are nearly adult anyway. You can show them love and support any way you like but it doesn’t need to be via a formal adoption.

I agree with your son. I’m on his side.

On the point of inheritance, this is exactky what wills are for and are increasingly important these days with families breaking down and reforming in different shapes.

Why do you want to adopt them I think
its dispectful to their poor mum who passed away even calling you mom is abit tbh I would imagine her family would be devasted. You can still be a mother figure and step mom without replacing their mom. I can see why your son is upset and he should be your priority. 6 years is nothing, how long along did this poor woman pass away?

Exactly.

There's hardly an abundance of foster care options out there and children who have responsible adults in their lives who are willing to take them on will always be placed there before being sent into care.

I'm another one who thinks you need to leave the idea of adopting your SC and focus on building a positive relationship with your son as it sounds like he has been feeling sidelined by everything with your SC. Obviously losing their mum is terrible and it's lovely that you have been there for them and been able to form a lovely bond with them but your sons needs should come first and possibly over the 6 years of the SC living with you full time you have prioritized them to a point where he feels overlooked and resentful of his step siblings as a result.

Another point would be why the need to adopt them when they already have a mother? You can still be their 'mum' and be incredibly close to them but their mum was their mum and adopting them surely erases this to a point? Is your DH close with your son? Does your son get on well with his step siblings? Was he happy with the arrangement of living with another man and other children 50% of his time at the beginning?

They live with you full time and he doesn’t. They call you mum and you refer to them as his siblings, when speaking to him. Neither of which are the case. Add to that that he seems to have been the last to hear about this.

I can see why he is upset.

I wouldn’t proceed with the adoption myself. It’s not necessary and will only do more harm than good.

Exactly. Plus it can taken up to 12 months to fully formalise by which point the stepchildren are 16-17 and almost legall adults. Pointless really.

As for the poster that mentions the stepchildren getting no inheritance if dad dies well clearly that won't happen seeing how much OP loves the stepchildren. She's see them ok financially.

On the other hand if OP were to die DS will be shipped of to his dad full time and he will more than likely see no inheritance from OP as DH has no real bond or desire to adopt OP DS in return. DH will keep OP assets for the stepchildren and DS will get hee haw.

Your step kids don't need adopting - they have a mum who loved them very much and will always be their mum no matter what paperwork you sign. They're very lucky to have a doting stepmother who loves them too and who has built such a safe family environment for them with their dad.

Your son needs his mother. He doesn't feel like he has a mum at all in all this. He needs to be your absolute priority and you need to protect him from his fears, unfounded as they may be. You should tell him that he's mistaken but that he's your whole world and you would never want to hurt him, so you won't adopt your stepchildren if it will make him sad. And then you need to really focus your energy on rebuilding your relationship with him. It sounds like he's been pushed to one side while you dealt with your stepchildren's grief but you had a duty to him first and foremost not to make him feel pushed out and you need to fulfil that duty before you lose him forever.

It almost sounds like your new husband and kids are the family you always wanted and your son is a blip in this . Thats probably not how you actually feel but from an outside perspective that is exactly what is being portrayed to your son

Nonsense. They will not automatically be in the care system

Sadly this is not unusual

I understand the adoption idea-if something sere happen yo their dad the children would have no legal parents andc automatically be in the care system
However given her son's feelings on the matter, she has a straight choice now - does her priority lies with her own son or her husband's children.

Her husband can appoint her legal guardianship In his will no need for adoption

Tbh, I genuinely hope so.

Better that that this shitshow being real.

I would tell my son that you now see that you should have asked him first. Tell him that you are putting plans on hold. Maybe you could give him the opportunity to discuss your previous relationship (in an age- appropriate way).

You might need to talk to DH about Wills etc to protect your step children and your son equally.

Why do you need to adopt them? What will that change. It’s too late now but I think you should have started by speaking to your own son first to ask him how he felt before telling the other kids. I’d sit him down, apologize for not doing that, tell him how very very important he is to you and that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. I’d probably explain your reasons for the adoption but that if he really doesn’t want you to go ahead you won’t ( poor step kids)

It sounds like years of resentment has been building up here and it’s come out now.

Sorry to say it also sounds like you’ve prioritised the stepkids over your own son for some time.

I think you need to make sure you’re spending lots of 1:1 time with him and focus on him for a while. If you go ahead with the adoption I think it will permanently damage your relationship with him.

hold off for a while and see what happens

me too - and 6 years ago he was only 9 years old!
What attention did that little boy get? Its a lot to handle -traumatised step siblings moving in, only seeing mum 50% of the time... mum pouring attention into him, his dad being bad mouthed all the time... he has internalised rejection even if it wasn't intentional so this is a mess. What is his relationship like with his step dad and step siblings? I agree that he should have been talked to first. The adoption needs to be at least paused until things are repaired with the son, and also investigate other legal options if issues like care, inheritance etc need to be sorted