My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

If he's talking to you in these terms, I'd say that there's a good chance of his going no contact with you in the future regardless of what you do. It's clearly very much on his radar. You can probably expect him to make this type of threat again.

I heard that was how Tom Jones spent his early life.

Honestly OP, you have lost your way completely.

You asked them, and TOLD him?
Are you out of your mind?

Your poor son, divorce, new relationship, 50/50, then full-time, then your clear priority to support them, now adopting them after 6 years.

You have a truly spectacular lack of self awareness if you really cannot see how you, your new relationship and his children have completely displaced your poor son.

Not one bit surprised he is going to move to his father's, as you have really left him down.

I simply cannot understand women who put men ahead of their own children.
In this case a man and his 3 children.

You really cannot see how your son might feel?
It's actually hard to believe this is real.

As for him repeatedly somehow hearing you dissing your previous relationship multiple times?
Really?
Who does that to their child?

Of course he is going to be deeply hurt about that. Its his father, half of him.

Your poor poor son.
I couldn't sleep at night if I knew that my actions and choices had caused such pain for my child, all for a man and his children.

This is a shocking read.

He’s right . Did you ask him first?

Maybe he wasn't fine with this set up and now you are taking it further he is telling you

Why should children be fine with a new family because the adults are in love

leave it he feels pushed out and its understandable why he is your child but he isn't your priority

He already overheard you complaining to all and sundry it seems, about your first marriage and he had insecurities. From your description you weren't discreet about being less than complimentary about his Dad. How was he supposed to feel?
In his mind your latest actions have cemented those insecurities.
You discussed adoptipn with your husband, you discussed it with his children and your poor son was relegated to last. Everyone else was more important and worthy of discussion before him. Your actions have caused this. You have not put him first or considered his feelings. It has been all about you, your current husband and his children. What a mess.

Why do your step kids deserve a discussion when you actual
son only gets told? Thats fucking awful for the poor kid, especially when he doesn’t live with you for half of his life but you no doubt spend time with your step kids while he’s away.

This is the worst parenting mess I've ever seen anyone get themselves into on Mumsnet.

By asking the step kids first, you and your son (who is supposedly your world) are in a no -win situation. And one of you very definitely doesn't deserve it.

If you go ahead, you lose your son forever, basically. He will have no reason or wish to see you. And of course, to a degree, your step children will recognise that that rift has come about because of them and feel guilty.

If, as a pp mentioned, social services interview him as part of the adoption process, he will be pushed into either effectively halting the process by making it clear that he doesn't want it to happen, and then carrying that guilt, or he has to cave, and know that his relationship with you is over. He will carry the psychological damage right through adulthood either way.

If you give up on the adoption, the step kids will be hurt. And they will blame him. So you can forget any further family get togethers.

Quite. Poor lad has ended up with 1/4 of his mum's time, half the time.

Yes, apart from the emotional fallout which will be huge for him, there is enormous financial impact for OP's DC, which he probably doesn't realise, but OP is certainly not prioritising her son.

You are glossing over your marriage break up and subsequent divorce as though they are not a big deal but to your DS this would been huge.

Your DS gets 50% of time with you, your step DC 100%.

I can see his POV, dedicate some extra solo time to him, don’t get angry.

drop the conversation about adoption for now and support him through his exam year. Let the dust settle and then maybe raise it again but with him first, in a year or so?

Is adopting the kids really that important if it affects your relationship with your son? Just carry on as you are which will be the same thing just without the legal certificate.

Also do some work to repair what your son believes about regretting having him etc. That should be your priority, not adopting kids who already think of you as their mum anyway.

I would add 'and apologise to him for your behaviour over his birthday celebration'

Quite apart from the fact that hard-pressed local authorities are not going to spend what is literally tens of thousands of pounds a year to foster children when there’s a perfectly capable adult who can look after them and is already doing so.

I’ve said below that she can apply for a parental responsibility order.

The step children do not need the OP to adopt them. She wants to adopt them. That is an important distinction..

I’ve been the outside child on a family unit after remarriage and it’s not fun at all, he sounds like he is really struggling and has been for some time

Around 15 years old pretty much decide by themselves with whom they would live, in case stepparent and relatives disagree. Court very much takes it into account.

I think OP has been living on her version of Walton's Mountain in her mind and the adoption issue (horribly, horribly mishandled) has brought to a head the fact her DS has a very different perspective.

If she and her husband haven't already put some sort of safeguards in place about inheritance and most importantly the future of the stepchildren if he died (they've had 6 years), they have been most remiss.

So a bunch of strangers joined your family and you focussed the bulk of your attention on them away from your own child and now you are shocked a 15 year old isn’t buying into the one big happy family myth.

You have badly let down your son and your are very close to causing an irreparable breach. Park the adoption idea, blame legal complexities and repair the relationship with your son whilst you still can.

I dont think YABU for wanting to adopt them formally and there might be some sound legal reasons for doing so. Your son perhaps doesnt understand that and he also cant see that on a day to day basis it wont be any different because he is thinking emotionally. The fact he has kept up his resentment and the silent treatment indicates the depth of his feelings. Equally, he is 15 and shouldnt be able to dictate what you can and cant do and it is not nice that he is treating his step siblings and step dad in this way. Perhaps a visit to a solicitor might be in order to explore alternatives or to put legal things in place to achieve what a formal adoption would do. Im thinking inheritance, parental responsibility, if anything happens to your husband etc...you could then use that information to explain to your son why you want to adopt them or have decided it isnt necessary. Bottom line is you need all the facts before deciding what YOU and your husband are going to do. You cant be held hostage like this by your son.

Do they realise that you adopting them cuts all legal links to their mothers family?

I think thats a very odd thing to do.

It also means they are entitled to inherit from you exactly the same as your son.

In decades time how can you be sure you'd want legal ties to your husbands children.

Absolutely, and OP, they are not his siblings, much as you may want him to feel that they are. It sounds as though you have been focusing on them (understandably due to their sad loss), during very important years for your son, not hard to see why he is so upset.

He's not "your world", is he. I massively empathise with him, as an only child. I'd be moving out too.

So, to summarise.
You had an affair whilst still married to your ex, when your DS was around 4 years old.
You left your ex and ended up marrying your current DH
Your DS lives 50/50 between you and his DH
Your DH has 3 children (DSC) all similar in age to your DS who would have been toddlers when their parents split up. Their DM died when they were around 8 or 9 and they have lived with your full time since.
For some strange reason they now call you ‘mum’ (what did they call you before?)
You want to adopt these DSC, and have asked them but you told your own DS.
He is very against this.
You are cross that he’s dead against this but you love him to bits.
From his perspective, you now have 3 more children that call you mum even though you’re not their mum, they live with you FT and he doesn’t, your marriage ended with you having an affair (seven though it may have been on the ropes before this).
No wonder he’s dead against this being imposed on him! You need to explain your reasons for wanting to adopt your stepchildren, but also tell him that you’re sorry you d(don’t realise how much it would hurt him, so this isn’t now going to happen. You also need to explain to the DSC why the adoption is not possible.

This, as well. I wonder if they are really as happy about it as they said they were.

I’m an adoptive parent and you absolutely need to look into what the adoption process involves, because you will have to go through it even though they are your step children and living with you. One thing I can tell you is that the social workers will DEFINITELY want to talk to your son and they will take your son’s views into account before deciding on whether they are happy for any adoption stages to proceed.