My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

I've changed my mind since my first post on this thread.

If I'm honest, I was a bit on the fence about the adoption idea anyway but thought there might be some legal advantages. After others have set out the other options which do not require adoption at all I now think it is a bad idea and you should drop it completely. It isn't necessary and these children will soon reach the age of majority anyway, making it pointless.

Also, social services would very likely interview your son about his feelings on the matter and that cannot end well whatever he ends up saying to them.

You can explain to your stepchildren that you have investigated the idea further, but that it would legally erase their mother. Say that you don't feel that that is the right thing to do so you will now be looking into the other options.

I think dropping the idea of adoption is just possibly the only thing that might (might) allow you to rekindle something of a relationship with your son.

He does though. I think blackmail from a 15yo who's mother has decided to dilute everything he gets from her is a bit much, but even if that's what it is, he still gets to say if they have a relationship.

It's not blackmail to say "I don't feel loved in this household, and if this doesn't change, I am going to go and live somewhere where I do feel loved and considered".

Switch out emotional needs for phsyical ones.
"I'm not being properly fed in this household and if this doesn't change, I'm going to go and live somewhere where I get proper meals".

Is it really blackmail to express that your needs are not being met, and you will go somewhere else where they are met if that doesn't change?

We’ve obviously only got your view on this but a few things that stood out:

how this relationship started. You basically had an affair with him no matter how you dress it up. Your marriage might’ve been dead but your actions were immoral. Does your son know this?

You have bad mouthed your relationship with his father. You need to be more careful where you have conversations and who can hear.

your step children are now with you 100%. He is now the outlier only spending 50% there.

you said that you spent a lot of time with the step children and your focus ‘naturally shifted’. This was wrong imo. This was your husbands job to do. Your role was to support your son to get through the huge adjustment to living with 3 dc full time who are understandably grieving.

You asked the step children about adopti on first. Why? Surely you consult with your dh, then your own son first. He probably felt sidelined again.

why were you angry that he just wanted you at his birthday party? You said his ‘siblings’ weren’t invited, but they aren’t his siblings, at least he does not see it that way. You need to respect that.

all in all I don’t blame him for feeling like he does.

Well he's had his say now so what you do next is up to you Op, but you will have to live with the consequences. If your DS moves to his Dad's house and refuses to see you then it won't be a big surprise to anyone but you.

So for 9 years your DS had you to himself for 50% of the time.
Then suddenly he was thrust into a blended family for that 50%, and his home with you had to be shared with a new adult and three other children roughly his age, all living with him in his space.
That is having to share the 50% of his time that he gets with you with 4 extra people.
Two of you and four of them as he is bound to see it.

For six years, he’s put up with that, internalising the hurt but not complaining.

But now you want to go a step further and adopt the 3 children. Not only do you want to do that but you have told the 3 children and sort of celebrated their pleasure at the idea, before even mentioning it to your own boy.
Tgeir pleasure was more important to you than his distress.
How sad that must make him feel.

Your priority is to your son OP.
Realise how rotten a rejection this feels to him and reach out to him with
understanding instead of losing your temper at him.

Depending on the circumstances, I would certainly seriously consider dropping the idea of adopting your step children as you have given no indication that it’s necessary.

Have you had any sort of conversation with him about this before springing it on him? Sounds like you asked your stepchildren but didn’t consult him in any way so of course he’s upset. I can understand his feelings as a 15 year old, we’ve all been 15 and I came from a very broken home so get it. I think you should respect his feelings and put him first. You don’t need to adopt your stepchildren, it’s just completely unnecessary.

Is it black mail though?

Or is it simply I don’t accept or agree with your choice. If you choose to continue on with that decision then I’ll have to remove myself from the situation permanently.

Fair point - but this thread does, IMO, reveal how very little empathy and understanding some adults deploy in the case of blended families and what it means for troubled / sensitive / vulnerable children and teens.

So many posters dismissing the feelings of the boy - whether real or not.

My point is not via blackmail he doesn't!

Seems to me his bio dad could be the shit-stirrer behind all this.

He does get the final say on the relationship he has with his mother though.

He is still a child and therefore he doesn't get the final say on life decisions that affect everyone in the family.
He needs to sit down and discuss his thoughts and feelings with both his parents not place threats on people to make sure he gets his own way!

Only women who put men and themselves first do this.

This reads to me as the actions and ego of narcissism.

All about the new mans children, playing mother.
Taking it upon herself to prioritise his children when their mother died, ahead of her own son?
Who does that?
Dissing her ex and ex marriage openly.

Asking them would the like to be adopted, TELLING her son its happening.

Unbelievable.

@saraclara I agree, one of the worst threads I have ever read on here, and that's something.

I hope SS do get to hear his story🙄.
Unbelievable.

I sincerely hope his father can put him first and that therapy can help him with the awful damage of these last years.

Telling your mother that you feel sidelined and unloved and you would rather go and live with your other parent than continue to feel unloved is not emotional blackmail. It's an attempt to take control in a situation in which he has very little.

It's up to OP to discuss (not tell) her son why she wants to adopt and why she thinks it's preferable to the status quo (if purely legal, then explain it to him).
It's also up to OP to take her son's viewpoint into consideration, which was something she hadn't even bothered to do.

He's allowed to express his thoughts and feelings without prejudice and be heard
But he's not being heard. That's the problem.
He's allowed to go, too.

I think you messing this up started a long time ago. You say in your OP that your “focus naturally shifted” to the step children. You assumed their need was greater - i imagine your son’s reaction is layered on top of that. No - it wasn’t understandable to him that they needed more because their mother died, and frankly I don’t understand it either. It also stands out that you say you asked them, but told your son. Perhaps if you’d asked him first you could have worked through the issues with him to pave the way to adopting them, without having the additional pressure of the expectation you have built with the other kids.

I don’t think you can win here tbh. If you adopt them you lose your son. If you don’t adopt them they will think you are rejecting them in favour of your son. 100% it was your responsibility to handle your son sensitively beforehand (not your husband, of course he’d be in favour of you adopting his kids) - I understand why he feels so rejected, poor lad.

good luck - very difficult thing to navigate.

I'd disown you if you were my mother and done this. Dear God you've handled this so badly and are at serious risk here of losing your son and need to sort this ASAP. I think you need to speak to your ex to gauge how your son is feeling, give him a bit of space and then try and talk to him. You need to pause everything to do with the adoption for now and frankly if your son never agrees you need to shelf the whole thing- thiugh you'll obviously cause upset to the step kids. What a mess of a situation!

He's not 'your world' in fact it sounds like the step kids take priority, from what you've wrote it actually seems you've put them before your own son. Why do they get a discussion and he gets told. He should have been the 1st person you spoke to before any discussion with step kids. I'm also not sure about the step kids calling you mum- they have a mum and shes sadly passed on. It feels disrespectful to your son and their mother but thats just my opinion. Though I'd imagine your son isn't happy about it

None of these situations require adoption.

All can (and should already have been) be covered by a Will setting out inheritance, LPA for the OP, and recognition of the DSc as 'children of the family' - which is a legally recognised status.

And all could be sorted out within an hour or so at the solicitor's.

15 is a very difficult age emotionally. I would prioritise your son's feelings right now, whether he's being rational or not. He feels like he's being replaced by a family that's better than him.

I would make him feel special over the next few months and do activities alone, just the two of you. No family dinners for now. I'd tell him he's the most important and always will be. Soon he'll be an adult and won't care about it as much, but now being a teenager is tough and he's vulnerable

Sorry OP, I'm a huge supporter of step parents generally but on this occasion I'm 100% on your son's side.

He needs you. He only spends 50% of the time with you. There are 3 other kids he's not related to who get you 100% of the time. Isn't that enough? I absolutely understand why he feels threatened and hurt by your desire to officially equalise their status (when in real life he doesn't have actually equal status, so to speak, as he's only with you half the time).

It's really odd that you told the stepkids before you spoke to him, almost as though he's an afterthought. You've written about your relationship with your stepkids and how great it is, but I don't think you said much about your son's relationship with them.

I'd one billion percent put my child first.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your son doesn't get to make decisions in life by using emotional blackmail against you. What an awful thing in life for him to learn is ok?!
He's allowed to express his thoughts and feelings without prejudice and be heard but not to dictate what you do!
His actions have consequences and he is old enough to decide that he can go live with his dad full time. What he's not allowed to do though is give you and the rest of his family the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way.

It’s refreshing to see a step mum loving her step children but your son is struggling and needs to be heard. The adoption can wait. They know you want to. What can’t wait is working on your relationship with your son.

They would not ;have to go into care'. What bollocks.
Their father should already have made a Will with guardians named - i.e the OP. He should have done that as soon as their mother died. The Dc are also old enough for their wishes and views to be taken into account.
There is also a recognised status which is 'child of the family' in which the parents do not need to have adopted the child.

So hard! 15 year old boys are not reasonable or logical or patient enough to listen. That's my experience anyway.

Can you write him a note or a letter so he can read it in his own time and digest it in privacy. Obviously you need to fully reassure him that you love him, you are proud of him, he's your first born and no one can ever replace him.

I think sometimes these gestures can mean more than we know. I spotted that my son's screen saver on his phone is a photo of the message I wrote inside his birthday card. He never mentioned it to me but it clearly meant a lot. He also has the card pinned up on his wall with the message facing outwards.

A chat can be too emotional on both sides. The written word can carry more power.