My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

Quietly forget adoption for now. Perhaps you can revisit later.

You need to put all your efforts into healing the relationship with your son. You need to go over exactly what he's heard and why he's internalized it as he has. With a lot of honest soul searching from you as to why he feels this way, and why you haven't heard about his feelings about this before, and why he feels pushed out etc. This hasn't come from nowhere and needs sorting.

You're unreasonable here. There's no need for you to adopt these kids.

Your stepchildren are nearly adults. I don’t see the point of adopting them, but I can see why your son is upset. He has internalised the idea that your marriage to his father was a mistake; therefore he feels like a mistake. You should work on trying to repair your relationship.

Zero

OK so the law isn't a reason. Sigh. If that were the case we'd never have adoption would we, we'd just pass kids round to be cared for by whoever was on hand.

No where does the Op even bother to tell us how her son gets on with his steps siblings siblings or her partner

That can be solved very easily by her DH naming her as the children's guardian in his will, and him taking out a Lasting Power of Attorney so they she becomes his attorney should it be needed for health or medical reasons.

She could have handled it better. But the question is whether he son should get the deciding vote and I say no.

As a general point in life we don't get to choose whether or not we have siblings - that's the parent's choice.

Zero reason for it.

He could sort out child arrangements in his will without the Op adopting children she’s known 6 years

There are lots of reasons. If the husband died when they were still minors they could be taken into care. If the husband died when they were adults when the OP died they wouldn't inherit anything.

If there were an awful car accident where the husband was in a coma, the OP wouldn't be legally allowed to make decisions about the kids' finances or schooling or medical care.

The OP and her husband are absolutely right to think about the legal structures which protect these poor kids from further anguish.

Because if she doesn't and her husband dies she will have to jump through hoops to keep them. Plus it gives them stability during their young adult lives

You need to show your son what you've written. Explain that your first marriage wasn't happy for either you or his dad and you are both happier now. But that the only good thing out of the marriage was him and explain you want to give everyone stability and its a legal thing should anything happen

YABU. Massively.

The first person to speak to about this should have been him.

And why the rush to adopt these children?

I think he has a point, you are pushing him out.

You need to mend bridges first.
Take you son out for a walk or a drink somewhere neutral.
A talk about everything, it sounds like he has a lot for insecurities about his place in the world and his family.

My sister is my dad's step daughter, he tried to adopt her but her biological father who had nothing to do with her wouldn't allow it. In many ways it has made no difference in other ways it has made more difference. My dad always has an up to date will to include her with equal rights as me and my other sister.

Wtaf?!

I'm amazed that nearly 40% of voters think that the way you've gone about this is reasonable. It absolutely isn't.

@pirdgz My view is he doesn't get to decide but you should take your time - if it takes a year or two, just don't rush it to get him comfortable with the idea. In the meantime work on your relationship with him, lots of things just the two of you, a bit of love bombing I think.

I have a much younger sibling and when my parents announced my mum (in her 40s) was pregnant with a surprise baby, for what it's worth my reaction was the same. Absolutely NOT, I am your only baby! I will not permit this! I was furious with them for ages. Of course they didn't let me decide, lol, and of course I adjusted to our new family shape.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have spoken to your son first before it was all in agreement with your dh and step kids. You sidelined his feelings and treated him like he’s irrelevant, and now you’re upset because he feels sidelined and irrelevant. I know this sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to sound so mean, but ultimately, in the process of taking your dh’s and step kids feelings into account, you’ve completely forgotten about your son and how he might feel.

Yes he is male so on here he just has to get on with it, you dont need to adopt them but as others have mentioned did you speak to him forst or just expect him to go along wotj what you decided without him?

I'm going against the grain here, but your 15 year old child doesn't get to make that decision. Go ahead with the adoption and obviously speak with him and let him know that he's always going to be your son no matter what but you and your husband have decided as adults that this is the right thing to do. In years to come he will see why you did it and that it was the right thing to do. Kids don't make adult decisions, bottom line.

Maybe you ought to just accept the situation. He feels very strongly about this. Just explain to the Steps that it can't happen, much as you would like it to. It won't affect them day to day, you'll just carry on as you always have.

You should’ve done this first, before asking your step kids? Wth. Kid feels replaced. Is adoption even necessary? Why?

I’d ask him what he thinks will change in practice if you adopt them.

The answer is nothing.

This is all about how he’s felt the past few years. I’d be addressing that.

He is my absolute world

well, no he isn’t is he?

how well does he get on with his steps sibs and your partner?

That’s not his concern! He’s 15 and has already had to deal with enough in his short life, and by the sounds of it, up until now coped well.

I would assume legal reasons - if the dad died they'd be orphans and very exposed, ie: they might be taken into care. And inheritance also. Lots of good reasons.