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Original poster

My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

291 replies

pirdgz · 28/08/2026 10:17

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

OP posts:
OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 10:47

I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings.

They're not his siblings, though. Also, you've had them full time for 6 years, while he's only had you half of the time. He probably feels excluded from your new family, because to a certain extent, he is. They get more of you than he does, and he is sidelined.

Just don't adopt them, for god's sake.

YertleTheTurtle · 28/08/2026 10:46

This is quite sad to read.

When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it.

It sounds like your son has been sidelined a while ago, and you wanting to formally adopt them is the final straw for him. It's hardly surprising he's upset, you've got a long way to go to try to fix this. Please don't adopt the other kids.

forthelasttim · 28/08/2026 10:46

Social Services will not grant an adoption if your own biological child is against it, particularly as the adoption won't affect their budget. The children are always going to be with their biological father and costing them nothing.

As the children are now teenagers, if their father died Social Services would want them to stay with their step-mother, provided the children also wanted to they'd stay. Again saves money from their budget.

Keymoment · 28/08/2026 10:45

Your poor son. You really should have talked to him first about it.

LeaderBee · 28/08/2026 10:45

Swiftie1878 · 28/08/2026 10:29

Wtaf?!

Show quote history

This is how dysfunctional families form when the parent ignores entirely the childs feelings "Because i'm the adult and i'm always right"

TerfOnATrain · 28/08/2026 10:44

I am not sure why you want to do this given the step kids are already around 15 and will be adults soon. They can love you, respect you as a parent and even call you mum, but you're not their mum, their mum has sadly passed away. There is absolutely no reason to adopt them at this age. I 100% can see how your son feels. You are his mum, a kind person who is supporting her step kids but he is your no.1.

LivingOnTheVeg · 28/08/2026 10:43

Maybe I’m not thinking about the practicalities but it seems awfully sad to adopt them and erase their dead mother from their birth certificates.

allgoodhere783 · 28/08/2026 10:43

You're risking not seeing him for not much benefit?? Why?

Isthismykarma · 28/08/2026 10:43

I eldest child will not be dictating how many children I go on to have - biological or adopted.
If there are other issues where he feels displaced etc then you need to support him and work on it, but I would not let him have a say in this.

Doigoforit2 · 28/08/2026 10:43

I doubt this Op will be back

purplecorkheart · 28/08/2026 10:42

I think that you need to respect your son's wishes. I am sorry for your stepkids but he needs to be your first priority. There is no way you should have spoken with your stepchildren about adopting before him.

MustWeDoThis · 28/08/2026 10:42

pirdgz · 28/08/2026 10:17

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

Who is the parent here? You do not allow yourself to be dictated to by a 15yr old, or you're going to totally fail them in life by allowing this behaviour to continue and for him to think he can say what he likes and get away with it.

Adopt the children and let your son get on with whatever he is going to do. Nobody ever learned anything in life without making mistakes. He'll move in with his dad, realise how good he had it with you, then he'll move back in with you.

Get him a therapist, go to counselling with him, make the effort with him, and in the meantime continue adopting those children. Try not to let the helicopter parents manipulate you into thinking anything else on here - They are not living your life.

saraclara · 28/08/2026 10:41

LeaderBee · 28/08/2026 10:40

Is it normal for stepkids to be adopted?

Most step kids have another parent, so no, they don't get adopted by one parents partner.

But in this case the other parent is dead, so it's a different situation altogether.

LeaderBee · 28/08/2026 10:40

Is it normal for stepkids to be adopted?

Chewi · 28/08/2026 10:40

Don't do the adoption!

ZaraCC · 28/08/2026 10:40

Your poor son. You see it so much on here: people rushing into new relationships and blended families with no thought on how hard it is for the kids. An only child and then ending up with 3 step siblings, sharing their mother and having to live with them full time. Of course there would be problems down the line. However much you try to force the new family setup, his happiness has been compromised by you.

TreeDudette · 28/08/2026 10:39

I feel for your son here. He got sidelined a bit 6 years ago when these 3 other kids showed up full time needing all this extra support. He is not part of this new nuclear family you have built because he spends 50% of his time at his Dads. Now you want a legal ceremony to proclaim your new family. He feels pushed out and not unreasonably so. I would not do this.

Alittlefrustrated · 28/08/2026 10:38

Your poor son.
Sees his mum 50 % of the time and shares that time with the step kids. Kids who needed extra support.
He seems to be your last priority OP.
You need to start listening and putting him first.

Newyearawaits · 28/08/2026 10:38

ChaChaChaChanges · 28/08/2026 10:21

You don’t need to adopt your stepchildren to be a bonded family. Your son must be your priority now, or you’ll lose him.

This 100pc
I totally appreciate where your son is coming from.
Adopting your sc won't change your feelings for them.
Also remember that their mum is dead.
Some may consider adopting them is disrespectful to her.

Doigoforit2 · 28/08/2026 10:38

He has three kids “all around 15”

what does that mean? Triplets?

BillieWiper · 28/08/2026 10:37

Tell him unfortunately it's not up to him. Of course he's your son, your blood son, and always will be. But you're going to adopt the others and that's final. It won't change anything in terms of your relationship with him and you love him just the same.

And make sure that you do give him enough attention.

saraclara · 28/08/2026 10:37

dairydebris · 28/08/2026 10:36

Quietly forget adoption for now. Perhaps you can revisit later.

You need to put all your efforts into healing the relationship with your son. You need to go over exactly what he's heard and why he's internalized it as he has. With a lot of honest soul searching from you as to why he feels this way, and why you haven't heard about his feelings about this before, and why he feels pushed out etc. This hasn't come from nowhere and needs sorting.

100% that.

AssassinsEyebrow · 28/08/2026 10:37

You handled this so badly not consulting with your son early and then telling him as a fait accompli. Now you have a situation which will at best breed resentment whichever option you go with.

But you need to prioritise your son here, 100%. You need to fix the emotional harm and neglect he feels. I understand it was unintentional, I'm not accusing you of being abusive far from it, but the risk of psychological harm is far greater to him than to not-adopting your step children.

If you want to protect their futures should their father die, then he needs to complete guardian instructions in his will.

And whatever you do, don't let your step children believe that you're not formally adopting them because of your son. Come up with another - probably practical/legal reason which allows them to feel loved & secure without blaming him.

UltimateSloth · 28/08/2026 10:37

saraclara · 28/08/2026 10:33

That can be solved very easily by her DH naming her as the children's guardian in his will, and him taking out a Lasting Power of Attorney so they she becomes his attorney should it be needed for health or medical reasons.

Show quote history

Guardianship can be challenged by extended family, whereas adoption gives automatic parental responsibility. And POA will only allow the OP to advocate for her husband, not his children.

saraclara · 28/08/2026 10:36

Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum,

Them calling you mum would be hard for your son, for starters. Especially when they're his age.