Would this family estrangement raise a red flag?

I also did horrible things before I processed my childhood trauma. My guess is, he realised he had healing to do, went no contact and moved on and began healing, and now protects his and his children's peace with his life, as that's what it appears from the limited perspective of his situation.

But it's hard to know whether that's the situation in his case, has there been any indication that he is cheating now? Or is it just historical affair and no contact with family that's raising suspicion?

I've actually published my life story which explains the dynamics behind trauma and why we self sabotage when we've grown up with abuse/neglect as familiar. And the periods of "safety" were always a precursor to abuse. My nervous system was braced for impact 24/7, and in survival mode we lose cognitive rationale.

Or, another situation could also be, the relationship with his ex wife was toxic, and that's why he stupidly sought comfort elsewhere, (completely wrong, not condoning it,) as in my case, I was a people pleasing beacon, glowing like a Christmas tree to future predators.

I would assess based on his current state and situation rather than his actions pre no contact. I'm only going off of my own experience and people who have opened upto me since hearing my story though, I don't know the person in question as you do. 💕

Scapegoat here. The toxic dynamic relies on this way of thinking. Don't feed into it. Take him at face value, just because he's the one that's walked away doesn't mean he created the problems or has anything to hide like an affair.

If he's good to his kids, good to his partner and good to strangers, it probably signals he's pretty decent.

In my experience, the scapegoats job is to play the role of family emotional punching bag in a toxic family system, where they all validate each other on their toxicity.

For instance, in my case, dad was told he was right for locking out a 15 year old child overnight, golden child was told he was right for assaulting 15 year old child for the good of the family and mum was right for not letting 15 year old child come back.. For the peace of the family afterall,

Scapegoats often have enough of being the scource of the families problems. I went no contact on xmas day 3 years ago after being punched in the face at 33 by golden child 38 year old man. Balled up on the floor I said to myself what the fuck are you doing. Get up, you're not 15 anymore. Coincidentally, going no contact also meant the end of accepting abusive treatment, as I'd been conditioned to accept it. Maybe he's not ready to share his experience yet.

Not a red flag in my view, if someone has the ability to cut off a "loving mother" there was probably a lot leading upto it. No one is going to voluntarily give up their entire support network without damn good cause. I wouldn't make assumptions. If they've been together 5 years, that's enough time to know if he's inherently the problem 💕

It signals a lack of boundaries between you.

This is her partner’s situation and a very private one. He’s unlikely to be comfortable with one of her friends thinking this deeply about his life. So deeply that you’ve started a discussion online about it.

If I learned my partner had delicately discussed my painful family situation with their friend I might understand. But to this depth would bother me. If I learned their friend was so involved that they were seeking online advice, I’d not want them around me again.

So I know someone like this.

He’s married with 3 small children and hasn’t spoken to his family since the 2nd eldest was born. He’s turning 4 this year.

His family didn’t attend his wedding.

they were all alive his daughter when she was born, then they had a son.

they don’t like boys

The parents have 3 children. 2 daughters and a son. They have never liked him. Because he’s a boy, yet the 2 sisters and their children…. Also girls are treated like royalty.

you never can understand what happens in family dynamics and really it’s not very nice of you to judge him for it.

People think my wife's family are lovely. We are nc with them due to their toxic behaviour. Lots of people like them. Doesn't mean what they have done doesn't warrant the nc.

Not necessarily. I’d want to know the details, but I generally don’t care or judge if someone is estranged/not close to/doesn’t like their family.

I have a DSis who is estranged from all
of my extended family except me.

From my experience I would say yes it would be a red flag.

I have a relationship with her because she is my DSis and I feel sorry for her. But she is not very nice.

Open communication is vital in a long term relationship. Your friend feels left in the dark about a major major part of her partners life.

Ultimately that is the huge red flag. Given they have children together I cant imagine how this enormous part of his life has remained secret but in her shoes if be suggesting couples therapy and then getting him to be honest

It is a red flag. I wonder what they say about it?
I have a dear friend of 30 years’ standing who is estranged from most of her family. After a recent difference of views I now understand why. It doesn’t make her a bad person, just a really difficult one who has to have things her way and gets angry/can’t cope then withdraws when they are not.
However would you want a relationship with this person?

In your shoes I’d be straight about how uncomfortable the estrangement makes me. Maybe you could run a clares law or check the sex offender register?

The red flag is how involved YOU seem to be in this. Leave it to your friend.

And to answer your question- you could be describing my DH's estrangement from his family, almost entirely.

DH's family put a lot of stock by maintaining the image of the perfect middle class family. But it's comply or... be outcast. Or in his case, he stepped back because the final straw was his mother writing hateful letters while I was pregnant, angry because he had moved away to live with me and she perceived he wasn't visiting her enough. .

Some things behind the veneer (it's a large family):

One BIL is a convicted child sex offender but everyone pretends this hasn't happened and takes their kids to family parties while he's there.

MIL had a 'crush' on my husband's friend when husband and friend were just 14 years old. The boy's parents came round to the house to have it out with her, so to speak.

FIL was (and likely still is) an alcoholic.

They are all quite nasty about each other behind backs. SIL highly competitive with other SIL. One BIL is openly mocked - he has learning difficulties.

If you asked MIL, DH would absolutely be the problem.

Possibly this - though it's possible they were awful to next women he had realtionship with and now finds it easier not to bother.

I have very limited contact with my family - phycial and verbal from siblings gets downplayed and standing up for what parent wants gets me trhown to the wolves later by said parent.

I haven't kept the DC from them at all - they've made no effort though if asked would claim they had or balme me for their lack of effort.

If information is from the older kids they likely have no clue what actually happened and like many adults my struggle to understand that how someone behaves with them is not how they behave to everyone - christ I've know adults see poor behavior right in front of them and turn round an tell victim they are lucky becuase bully is nice to them so must be to victim.

Families are complicated - could be this guy is the issue could be wider family is most likely truth is somewhere in between,

Bit late now. If it was that big of an issue, it should have been figured out before having 2 children with him.

No. There is likely to be a very good reason. The fact he isn't publicly sharing that reason (and running them down in the process) makes it more likely that he has good reason to avoid them.

If he is a decent person and it sounds like he is, it's most likely the family dynamics. The fact they all go on holiday etc together makes that more likely to be the case, not less. No one can know other people's complicated family set ups, which always look 'nice' from the outside, but often are not.

This, 100%

No. I agree with Jeanette Winterson's quote
"Unhappy families are conspiracies of silence. The one who breaks the silence is never forgiven"

Some families are shit, and no two people have the same upbringing, regardless of growing up in the same house.

So, I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. Unless it's because he cheated on the ex-wife. Then he is a red flag.

No. I've known dysfunctional families seem perfectly normal from the outside. It's not unusual for only one person to recognise the dysfunction and the rest of them pull together to scapegoat the one who challenges them.
I'd certainly not judge in your position, I expect there have been conversations between your friend and her DH about what went on which could be very sensitive and private. It's upto your friend to make the judgement, not you.

If he only cut them all off after the divorce then I’d say the poster who said it’d because they kept in contact with the ex is bang on the money.

Maybe. I don't like the idea of a family that doesn't get on and think it's really important for both sets of grandparents to be involved, and parents in-law to be loved and not just tolerated.
But then, if I loved a man from a family where he was beaten black and blue, would it be fair to judge him/refuse to marry him for something he couldn't help? Obviously not, but I would be worried about being with someone whose parents I couldn't stand and that I'd be scared of leaving the kids alone with.

What's your rationale for thinking this?

I'm lc so is one sibling with our mum. She's 'difficult ' our upbringing was neglectful rather than abusive, definitely lacking in love. Other sibling still in full contact was the golden child, I was the black sheep and sibling also lc was the one all expectations were put on. I swear my dm is now annoyed because my dd is outperforming her showcase child (not golden child). Its a very odd dynamic and if I was younger I would probably decide its worth going fully nc.

Edit for spelling