Would this family estrangement raise a red flag?

Not neccasarily at all. As pp said went can never know the dynamics of another family and how that person was treated.

I agree that the time to ponder red flags would have been before your friend had two children with him! It sounds like he cheated on his ex wife and his family have been supportive of her and the children and that this has led to a rift. If they are still including ex wife in family occasions, it's not surprising that he's distanced himself. Not saying that he is in the right but it sounds like this is what's happened.

I’m in the same situation. I fell out with my mum because I refused to engage with her drama anymore. I was very much the black sheep. Once I stopped speaking to her, the entire family disowned me. They will pass me in the street and ignore me.

Just because everyone stops speaking to you, doesn’t mean it’s you in the wrong.

Are you sure your friend that doesn’t privately know the full detail but is protecting her partner by not sharing it with everyone?

He’s immediately a red flag because he’s a known cheater and won’t engage in proper conversation when she’s concerned!! Also why are so many people on this thread completely unwilling to accept that some families actually like one another and get along - not everyone is doing it for show
or projecting a false image for social media!

So neither you, nor your friend nor this 3rd party really have any idea how any other family operates. The only person who does know is your friend’s partner. I find it weird that you (all) find his motivation suspicious.

There are lots of estranged families and it doesn’t mean that they’re all terrible people.

No, because it’s very rare that that many different family members are NC with him. It sounds like he is the one who has gone NC because it’s a dysfunctional family environment. They have reached out and he has held his boundaries and wants nothing to do with them. I’d say that’s probably a sign he’s pretty sensible.

I am NC with my entire family. It’s because of abuse and manipulation and as an adult, harassment and stalking. I am a very mature, sensible person with good values. Very happily married and my kids are lovely. But I’m not going to tolerate passing this dysfunction on to another generation, so they all had to go.

If you met my mum, you would think she was absolutely lovely. She would have nothing bad to say about me. In fact, she has been known to post lots of stuff on social media about how much she loves her daughter and her grandchildren are her whole world, while literally in the same breath, messaging me to tell me what a horrible person I am. Manipulative people are very good at performance. You would think she was the sweetest church going old lady. Meanwhile, she acts as a cover for her husband who is a convicted paedophile to access people’s children. Literally gets him into family settings where children are present by chatting up the families and making him not look dodgy. Don’t be fooled by appearances. Some people live very dark lives behind all the outward projection of perfect families.

My guess is his partner doesn’t know the full story as he wants to protect her or just doesn’t want to have to talk about it. The only red flag for me would be if he had no relationship with his children.

It's not her business. Id be furious if I found out my partner's friends was this involved in my family drama to the extent they posted publicly about it.

It would be the end of the relationship if I found out my partner and his friend did this.

She is being extremely inappropriate by doing this.

I think people just have to realise not everyone is born into a good family .

If it's suspicious to the point she's talking to people about it behind his back, theres no trust, she should just leave.

Please whatever you do, don't advise her to approach the family behind his back to "find out" why he's estranged. Because it's likely that he will be verbally torn to shreds and she will likely get her "confirmation" he's the problem.

If someone did that to me, because I was a "red flag" that would be an absolute deal breaker and I'd be ending the relationship immediately.

Not necessarily, he could be the family scapegoat and decided to remove himself from the situation.

Why?

Are you so lacking in insight that after reading this thread, everyone who is estranged is a walking red flag? 🤔

You probably had a wonderful upbringing. You're one of the lucky ones, don't be so quick to judge those who weren't quite so lucky 😊💕

Yes it would.

I’m like this. Never speak to my family. I can assure you that I’m not a red flag. We just aren’t close

I think evading the question when his partner asks about the estrangement is concerning, but (having been in a similar situation) I know that it's often very difficult to speak about a dysfunctional family. Often there has been a lifetime of being 'trained' to keep it quiet and assume that you will not be believed. I think better off dysfunctional families are particularly good at putting on a facade of being perfect and not understanding why one member would walk away. It's perfectly possible that the rest of the family are not as close and happy together as they appear either.

As an example, recently I was with my Mum (now in her 80s) and some of her friends. She was bemoaning the fact that she can't host big family Xmases any more and telling them that until just a couple of years ago the whole family came to her every year- all her children, grandchildren, plus friends and neighbours etc. Xmas day was always hectic but full of fun and laughter and she's loved always seeing all her GC on the day. She said she knew we (me and siblings) all missed it too, but we're all so busy and can't really do the same but she knows we are hoping to all pull together to co-host a proper big family Xmas at her place this year or next if we possibly can. Which all sounds lovely, except I haven't seen her on Xmas day for decades because my awful, unpredictable and often violent addict brothers were always there and the day was invariably deeply unpleasant. My parents have been invited to Xmas at my house every year since my (now adult) DC were born but always refused because I would not also host the brothers. Even in the last couple of years when Mum has not hosted, she has refused to join me if brother is not invited. My absence has always been explained to any friends present as it being the year that I visit in-laws instead. I have had as little contact as possibly with brothers for many years but as far as most of our extended family and friends know we are a big happy close family but I just happen to be very busy.

No . People become estranged for many reasons . His only ‘ fault ‘ is he needs to explain more to his partner about why

You are being very rude to the OP who is just asking on behalf of her friend

@Ashhh56 huge hugs to you love, my god you’ve suffered

I recently started meeting ip with a friend from secondary school (we're now in 50s)
I was always so jealous fo her family life and wished my family, particularly my DM could be more like hers.
We were chatting about our teenage yrs and I told her this. She then told me the reality of her and her DSis lives at that time. You would NEVER have known there was so much nastiness / emotional abuse going on, with her 'dm' appearing to be quite narcissistic to them but over adoring to her DP. Also seen by colleagues. friends and family to be a loving, caring mum.
She isnt nc but is lc and tolerates having to see /help her mum. She had to withdraw slightly for mental health of her and her daughter.
As long as he is a loving father to his children, and loving husband to his wife i wouldnt see it as a red flag.
As pp have said I wouldn't have embarked on a.serious relationship with him if this information bothered me so much, and yes he cheated on his wife but lots of people have and have then gone onto have successful, monogamous relationships. (Not condoning it personally)

With my family history? No, not a red flag At all. My family are problematic and I’ve cut ties with them.

nothing wrong with me, genuinely it’s them, they’re all awful in the same way

Some people just don't get on with their families - it's not a big deal.

I was suggesting any post ex wife partners may have had things said againt them prommpting him to break contact. Your reply seems to suggest current partner your friend is the affair partner then?

Even if this is case how can you know they've never said anything bad about current partner to him - that caused him to break off contact and not introduce them to protect her?

You do seem very over invested which frankly is odd. I did encounter flying monkeys - people who get involved believe everything they are told by one side and often try and bring victims back into range and turn more people against them - never understood why people were like that - need for drama maybe.

I don't know this guy - he could be red square on may day for all I know - but your friend his current partner should be able to talk to man she is sharing her life with- without someone else ie you -getting involved at all.

Why are you making this your business and not your friend ? She’s two children with him so no apparent red flags there on her behalf .

families are not always what they seem there could be a damn good reason for his estrangement but it’s your friends place to ask this if she’s at all bothered by it that is

No not necessarily
My extremely dysfunctional family are very good at pretending to be the Brady bunch and brushing things under the carpet