AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

We have 4 very close friends. The men went to school together. Their wives and I did too.

One of the men was having an affair and told the other guy. He kept it secret from his wife (the best friend on the woman being cheated on). So for months, these women were blissfully unaware. I can’t get my head around the fact his loyalty lay with his friend and not his wife.

One of the dads openly bragged about leaving all of the parenting work to his wife whilst he carried on as normal.

So not told in confidence then?

@soitshoteh I don't think we are in significant disagreement really. My previous answer was in response to posters who couldn't seem to understand why I might possibly want to talk to my husband and why it wasn't at all the same as talking it through with the friend. I wasn't trying to claim that my wish overrode their desire for confidentiality. I have said repeatedly that if I was any doubt about whether it was OK to talk to my husband about a confidential matter, then I would always ask. I'm not one of the posters who has said they couldn't possibly keep a secret from their husband.

It's just that, in practice, I don't think any friend has ever indicated that they would prefer I didn't tell my husband about something. And I don't think I have ever told a friend anything that I would rather they didn't share with their husband. Hence my assumption that generally it will be OK to share. And that categorically doesn't mean that I automatically rush home and replay every detail of every conversation with him, as other posters seem to suggest. Of course not.

And i'm not going to continue to repeat this as it is getting dull!

How about we flip this for a second?

My husband went out on a dads night a while ago. One of the dads openly bragged about leaving all of the parenting work to his wife whilst he carried on as normal.

Now, obviously we already knew about this to a certain extent because it was obvious, but each dad came home horrified and spilled to his partner immediately what they had heard. So I don't believe this is just a female thing and the men aren't interested!

Since then the dads have cold-shouldered the bloke, and the mums have kind of have to nudge the wife concerned about him. If we weren't a bit more spineless, she would be told directly.

However, this demonstrates that there are relative levels and expectations of privacy. You can't expect everyone's to be the same, male or female. So be explicit if you're sharing something about your expectations (I'm a data privacy specialist by trade, and never assume confidentiality myself).

Me and my friend share info with our dhs. If we want it to stay between just the two of us, we literally say dont tell dh and we don't

When telling friends things, mostly I assume their husband is likely to be told unless I ask them specifically not to say it .

I completely understand needing support. I really do. If someone tells you something really heavy and you’re struggling with it, I’m not saying you should sit there and suffer in silence. But being married doesn’t mean your husband automatically has consent to know someone else’s private information, and people suggesting that it does, or that it’s unreasonable to think otherwise, are just wrong. It should be a “can I?” conversation, not an assumption. Ask, “I’m finding this really hard to deal with on my own, would you mind if I talked to my husband about it?” and if she says no, you respect that. If you tell him anyway, you’ve made the decision for her, and she’s then left having to say she’s upset after it’s already happened. You can’t un-tell someone something. I’m not saying it’s unforgivable, because people do genuinely need support and can say things out of need to process colud 'just come out' and im not saying thats necesarily categorically unfogivabl , but an adverse reaction from the friend would be completely justified.
It also doesn’t really matter whether your OH is her friend, a complete stranger, or someone she’ll never meet. There are still emotional and practical implications to him knowing. Privacy isn’t just about whether the information spreads further, sometimes it’s simply about the person being able to decide who knows. You can get support other ways either not from your husband , or if it is from him - without giving away specific details, by saying that a friend is going through something awful and you’re finding it hard. Obviously there are exceptions if someone is in danger or there are safeguarding concerns, but that’s very different from “I’m struggling, so I’m telling my husband.” The rape example is more clear cut about what is private/a secret but the same principle applies to grief, infertility, illness, relationship problems or a terminal diagnosis- its the friends right to decide who knows and that should be respected if you value your friend. Your need for support is valid, but so is her right to decide who knows . One doesn’t automatically override the other.

I never said I tell dh everything.

I've actually known this happen.
Very smug acquaintance: her and her dh soul mates, no secrets type.

Dh's mate had had a child with a woman that was not the wife.
It was not an affair as the child had been conceived before he met his wife.

Acquaintance's dh knew all about it for years without telling my acquaintance.

She was most put out.

It's shocking that you'd need to test your friends to decide if they're trustworthy.

Everyone deserves someone they share things with in absolute confidence, without having to check who else will find out.

Growing up (and we teach our children the same), we were taught that part of being a good friend, is knowing to guard your mouth.

I have sisters and friends of decades who will tell me anything and vice versa; as we know it goes no further.
It also means no-one has to struggle in silence, as there's always a SAFE outlet.

If your friends don't know you are passing on their private concerns, it's just plain gossip.

“We tell each other everything”

Meanwhile dear husband hasn’t said a word about his best mate who has a secret family. 😂

Women can be such mugs lol

Hmmmmmm

It has made me think that If I ever do want to tell my friends anything to do with my health for example I’m going to have to make sure they’re not like that! People can lie if they sense you have an opinion one way or the other so I’d bring up the topic in a neutral way somehow and ask if they think couples should tell each other personal details shared from a friend even if they’ve been asked not to. Each to their own but for me if it turns out they are that kind of person the friendship will change immediately!

How do they know they have to tell you? As in, when you first met them did you tell them that anything they tell you will be shared with your husband?

Of course.
I’ve only been asked four times in total not to tell my DH. And those requests have been respected.

It’s soo bizarre right 😂 they must be those couples who have ran out of things to talk about so live on these little bits of “gossip”if you can even call such mundane stuff gossip

Why do you need to tell your dh about less serious stuff?

Isn't he a bit fed up of this?

Because the friend is the one at the centre of the problem. She is the one suffering with grief/trauma/possible terminal illness....It is not her role to support me by helping me talk through the situation. It is not her role to give me a shoulder to cry on. It is my role to support her. And my husband's role to support me.

And even with something a little less serious (though I thought we were primarily talking about serious personal problems here) there is a big difference between talking through the situation from her point of view to help her, and talking it through from my point of view to help me.

This I tell my dh everything because he can provide insight stuff is often nonsense.

What possible insight can he provide (unless a doctor) into a friend's perimenopausal issues, for example?

It's just an excuse to blab.

I suspect these men who get told every little thing are just zoning out half the time. 'Yes, dear.' kind of thing.

What man with his own problems and things to do cares about his wife's friend's peri issues?

If I blabbed about a friend's peri issues to my dh (not that I would!) my dh would tell me not to betray a friend's confidence and what the heck I expected him to do about it.
Not in a nasty way but he wouldn't mince his words.

Do they know they have to tell you that?

I just don't understand it.

I remember being a primary school and fell out big time with my best friend. For a split second, it occurred to me I could tell everyone all the secrets she'd ever shared with me to get back at her and immediately realised that would be a really shitty thing to do.

I know those aren't the circumstances in which people are talking about sharing things on here but it was really obvious to me that, at the age of about 9 or 10, if someome tells you something believing that it's told in confidence, you don't break it.

Things that have been part of a wider conversation that multiple people know about and aren't 'private' fair enough but you haven't been trusted with the information then.

Doesn't he also blab about what his friends tell him?

Just to clear something up first, that's not actually what I said. I wasn't saying "lots of comments agreeing = important, lots of poll votes = doesn't matter", that's not the equivalence I was making at all. What I was pointing out is that people in this thread have said, in their own words, that this kind of thing has actually hurt them, that's real testimony, and I don't think a poll saying "X% think it's fine for a friend to tell their husband" cancels that out or makes it not true. Those are just two different things, one's people's opinion on what's normal, the other is people telling you the impact it's had on them.
And separately, the other point I was making, which I think got a bit lost, is that even if it turned out this was what happened in every single marriage, universally, that still wouldn't make it decent. That was never really about your specific friendship, even though yes, I was replying to you directly so it came across that way. It was more a general point about "common" and "okay" not being the same thing.
On the trustworthy bit, I don't think that's a snide dig, I think it's just accurate. If you tell your husband things a friend has told you in confidence, then by definition you're not someone that friend can trust with confidences, that's not me being superior, that's just what the word means.
If you're saying that within your specific circle, everyone genuinely knows the score and nobody there would ever feel hurt by it, fine, I believe you, that's your dynamic and I can't argue with your own friends' feelings on it. I still personally find it a bit baffling, I don't really get how a friendship works without some expectation of privacy, and if me saying that comes across as judgemental or superior fine, but that wasnt my intention and it's not meant as an attack on you as a person. Other people in this thread have shared that it's actually caused them real hurt though, and i was trying to say that's worth sitting with and recognisng regardless of how your (or one's) own circle feels.
Also, genuinely, happy to step back from going back and forth directly with you if you'd rather, I can see how it might feel like a bit of a pile on given how many times I've replied to your comments specifically, and that's honestly not the intention, I don't think you're a horrible person at all. I just feel pretty strongly about the actual issue, that's all this has been.

Ironic that you think he won't blab when you are confident that he does blab about all his friends business to you.