AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

You talk about your friends in general conversation with your DH? Including their confidences?

I always wonder how many of the people who just can’t possibly keep their mouths shut to a spouse are our doctors, police offices, teachers, social workers, lawyers...

@Ifiwere the lesson is make sure you know your “friend”s intentions of keep their mouth shut before you trust them with anything private. Most people manage to get through long marriages without spilling their guts on others’ confidences but IME people using this excuse use it to tell wider circles as well.

Male loyalty to each other can be very strong.
You protect me, I protect you. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

You must have heard of The Freemasons and other such organisations.

I'm sure that female loyalty to other females can also be strong but not so much.

Only half the posters here (who I'm guessing are mostly female) are perhaps capable of such loyalty, the others who tell their husbands every passing bit of gossip are certainly not.

I've actually known this happen.
Very smug acquaintance: her and her dh soul mates, no secrets type.

Dh's mate had had a child with a woman that was not the wife.
It was not an affair as the child had been conceived before he met his wife.

Acquaintance's dh knew all about it for years without telling my acquaintance.

She was most put out.

It's shocking that you'd need to test your friends to decide if they're trustworthy.

Everyone deserves someone they share things with in absolute confidence, without having to check who else will find out.

Growing up (and we teach our children the same), we were taught that part of being a good friend, is knowing to guard your mouth.

I have sisters and friends of decades who will tell me anything and vice versa; as we know it goes no further.
It also means no-one has to struggle in silence, as there's always a SAFE outlet.

I think it depends on what it is and whether or not you specifically told her not to tell her DH.

I talk about my friends in general conversation with DH so he knows a lot. He also tells me a lot of stuff about his friends, much of which I don’t care to know.

There are some things I keep to myself though as I know he wouldn’t approve and I don’t want him to think badly of my friends. Such as when one married friend had a ONS.

Yeah- your friend probably thought that about you…..

Well I'm sure that we wouldn't be friends in real life. But at least I'm not rude and I also don't judge people for thinking differently to me.

Everyone of your posts on this thread have given me the infamous MN "ick"

My idea of a facsimile of a friend

Surely you needed to talk things through with your partner, so he could support you in managing your friend's trauma.

Seriously though - some of the 'friends' on this thread should come with a warning label.

That's your take on it, it bears very little resemblance to my marriage. We share most things, not everything , and I would assume anyone telling me things would assume that.

But it's not about whether your DH would blab or not, it's about your DH knowing?

One of my best friends was raped a couple of years ago. There's no way she'd want my DP to know it even happened, let alone the details she's told me. They get on fine, but they're not friends, and she'd be absolutely horrified to find out I'd told her, it'd probably end our friendship to be honest.

All DP knows about the situation is that X was having a rough time, needed a fair bit of support from me. No I couldn't tell her anything more than that.

DP was fine with that, didn't pry, and told me to give X her love.

Job done, privacy maintained. People in a couple are two individuals, not some weird amalgamation with one mind. If you're going to blab your friends private matters to your partners, at least let them know that so that they know not to tell you it in the first place.

I would tell dh things I’ve been told in confidence, but then I know 100% that he won’t blab.

I would tell dh things I’ve been told in confidence, but then I know 100% that he won’t blab.

I think finding it 'important' to tell a partner 'everything' often stems from the need to feel its reciprocal. 'We' have no secrets, is often about setting boundaries for self protection. If I make that our thing, he's not going to hide anything from me. When in reality, there's very few people who don't have some areas of privacy. And quite right too.
Spilling the secrets of friends as a gesture of great trust between partners is actually just performative honesty. It offers nothing of your own private self, so is safe, but bolsters an illusion of two as one, that people in secure relationships don't need to perform.

I would tell dh things I’ve been told in confidence, but then I know 100% that he won’t blab.

We have 4 very close friends. The men went to school together. Their wives and I did too.

One of the men was having an affair and told the other guy. He kept it secret from his wife (the best friend on the woman being cheated on). So for months, these women were blissfully unaware. I can’t get my head around the fact his loyalty lay with his friend and not his wife.

How about we flip this for a second?

My husband went out on a dads night a while ago. One of the dads openly bragged about leaving all of the parenting work to his wife whilst he carried on as normal.

Now, obviously we already knew about this to a certain extent because it was obvious, but each dad came home horrified and spilled to his partner immediately what they had heard. So I don't believe this is just a female thing and the men aren't interested!

Since then the dads have cold-shouldered the bloke, and the mums have kind of have to nudge the wife concerned about him. If we weren't a bit more spineless, she would be told directly.

However, this demonstrates that there are relative levels and expectations of privacy. You can't expect everyone's to be the same, male or female. So be explicit if you're sharing something about your expectations (I'm a data privacy specialist by trade, and never assume confidentiality myself).

How about we flip this for a second?

My husband went out on a dads night a while ago. One of the dads openly bragged about leaving all of the parenting work to his wife whilst he carried on as normal.

Now, obviously we already knew about this to a certain extent because it was obvious, but each dad came home horrified and spilled to his partner immediately what they had heard. So I don't believe this is just a female thing and the men aren't interested!

Since then the dads have cold-shouldered the bloke, and the mums have kind of have to nudge the wife concerned about him. If we weren't a bit more spineless, she would be told directly.

However, this demonstrates that there are relative levels and expectations of privacy. You can't expect everyone's to be the same, male or female. So be explicit if you're sharing something about your expectations (I'm a data privacy specialist by trade, and never assume confidentiality myself).

One of the dads openly bragged about leaving all of the parenting work to his wife whilst he carried on as normal.

So not told in confidence then?

Ironic that you think he won't blab when you are confident that he does blab about all his friends business to you.