AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

I wouldn't tell my husband something I was told in confidence

I internally pride myself on being able to keep a secret.
Many can't.
I think it's a pity that some people have nobody to trust, in times of need

My friend tells her partner everything, so I no longer confide in her.

How does it make sure a bad partner to not tell your husband something that has nothing to do with them or that has any impact on them at all? That’s just ridiculous!
I do not tell my DH anything that has been told me in by a friend if it not related to him or me. The only caveat would be if it was so heavy I needed emotional support or I was really worried about a friends safety.

We tell each other everything, as part of sharing our day

Do you tell each other every piece of confidential information from your workplaces?
Do you tell each other every piece of random chitchat you exchange with the cashier in Tesco?

If the answer is no, you don't, then you can equally not tell each other things your friends tell you.

No need to say anything, it's all logged in our joint poo tracking spreadsheet.

If my best friend if 35 years told me something in confidence that was very important to her I would 100% not share it with my husband. Why does he need to know, it doesn’t relate to him or his family. That’s just gossip.

Why would you be a bad partner for respecting your friends' confidentiality?

In what possible way could it harm my DH if I do not tell him the personal matters that my friends choose to share with me in confidence? Other than him missing out on a bit of juicy gossip, maybe?

I believe that I owe it to my husband to be open and transparent about what's going on in my own life, and I expect the same from him. But I absolutely don't believe that I have a right to know stuff that is personal to his friends, and nor do I feel that I have the right to share stuff that is personal to my friends. It isn't our information to share.

We have been together for over 30 years, and very happily married for 26 of those. That doesn't get in the way of us being able to recognise appropriate boundaries. Indeed, we are secure enough in our relationship to know that we don't have to tell each other everything, and to respect the fact that we are individuals with our own separate relationships with the people that we care about.

Yes. I think there is some insecurity in the marriage too. That it’s not strong enough to withstand one party keeping a confidence.

There's a big difference between keeping something about yourself secret from your husband and keeping someone else's secret.

I don't see spousal 'sharing everything' as a relationship strength, but rather as an individual character flaw.

I don’t tell my DH everything.

I don’t see it as keeping secrets from him: they’re not my secrets, there’s someone else’s.

If he asked me something outright, I wouldn’t lie… but a lot of the confidences I keep are things that he would never think to ask about.

There’s a secret a friend of mine told me nearly 30 years ago: I haven’t told a soul. I have had three long-term partners in that time and it never occurred to me to tell any of them. None of their business.

if it’s something that would affect your partner, I can see the problem. But if not: why would you tell?

And of course I think it's ridiculous to tell your spouse/partner every little thing your friends tell you! It's a friend's secret, not yours.

Is this anything to do with this thread?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5571559-colleague-has-overshared-and-is-now-embarrassed?page=6&reply=

Do you tell him the size, colour and consistency of your every shit, as part of ‘sharing your day’, or are there some things you are capable of keeping to yourself?

I don’t see it as keeping a secret “from” ….it is keeping the confidence and privacy of another person. You can be an honest wife and a confident of another person without conflict.
unless the spouse asks you outright of xyz is true, but even then id say you need to discuss it with individual involved.
i dislike all this can’t keep secret milarky…it’s not a secret unless it directly involves their spouse and it’s about the keeper of the confidence or that keepers spouse. If it ain’t connected to either of them, and only with the person who wanted to share that confidence, it’s no one else’s business.
that is especially so if it is very personal matter…what if the poster told the person she’d been sexually abused or harressed? It is of no business of the dh and I would only think it was being shared as malicious gossip and a conversation piece between spouses.
there are very few incidents where telling dh would have any value at all to the relationship between the spouses …

OP, next time ask if someone will insist on telling spouse, parent, sibling, other friend before you confide in them…some people just can’t keep their mouths shut and want to share everything even when it’s not about them or their story to shae.

I have been married for 30 years. And as you ask, yes I think the pair of you are shit friends.

Is this a TAAT?

I'll say what I said on the other one -spouses who tell each other other people's confidence lack discretion and integrity -they're incontinent.

Decompress?

You can't keep your trap shut because you need to decompress.

Every day? OMFG

I wouldnt share friends secrets with DH.

Same as I wouldnt tell him all the safeguarding infirmation about the children I work with. Or he would tell me classified information.

We are two people, not just a couple.

This happened to me. I was gobsmacked to be honest. It was not to be shared with anyone.

Nope - if you’re asked not to tell anyone you don’t, or you ask them not to tell you, or you ask them if it’s ok to tell your DP. My DP works in defence and there’s loads of stuff he doesn’t tell me, and I’m not sure I’d want to know.

I agree with you OP.

Though, I have to admit, a friend once told me something , which I then told my husband, and she found out because I said well “Mr Zebra thinks you should do X”. She gave me a total bollocking for sharing what was personal information with DH , when it wasn’t necessary. Like there was no reason for me to impart this info about someone else except for the reason of having done so.

made me think much more carefully since about what people tell me in confidence , and whether it’s fine for DH to know. If you’re not sure, ask!

I would only consider not telling my husband the personal secret if a) the friend specifically asked I not tell him and b) it seemed completely irrelevant to him and his decision making in future. I would probably still tell him I was told a secret I can’t share so he knows I’m being honest with him.

There's a difference between having secrets and telling your partner someone else's secret

I think it’s terrible. I’ve been married nearly 30 years and can completely trust him, but I still wouldn’t. It’s not my secret to share. The only exception would be if it was something very concerning and I needed advice.