AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

Maybe I don't feel the need to share my innermost secrets.

For me, I wouldn’t assume it and surprise so many choose to tell their DP other friends’ businesses that have zero effect on their DP.

Why does your DP need to know? Do you have nothing else to discuss? And then if the DP are willing to mention it to your face who else have they mentioned it to?

I screen people over stuff like this. I watch what and who they talk about to others and that tells me all I need to know especially when the person they discuss isn’t around.

Unless someone tells me themselves, it is information I do not think I’m privy to.

I wouldn't lie to my husband but I also wouldn't announce something to him that was shared with me in confidence.
I'm sorry you feel let down by your friend.

Yes , the OPs friend was being a bad friend ....
I just didnt know so many women were!
Do you really not have friends you trust with your private stuff, that you can talk things through with, properly, and know it stays between you? That's actually sad if so, and I mean that genuinely, not to be bitchy, but friendship should be able to hold that and its so important to have those sort of relationships imho

Well clearly, telling a good friend didn't work for the poster. If I want something kept secret, I keep it to myself. This poster thought it was safe with her friend, it wasn't.

Are you telling me you'd need someone to actually say the words "don't tell anyone" out loud before you'd know not to repeat something serious and personal to a third party? Blimey. Some of the social awareness bar on this thread is genuinely on the floor.
And the "get a counsellor if you want something kept secret" bit is a bit rich, isn't it, as if wanting to confide in a friend- you know, the actual point of having friends, is some unreasonable ask that should really be outsourced to a paid professional instead. Imagine having a mate tell you something difficult and your instinct being "this should really be going to a counsellor, not me" rather than just, I don't know, being a decent friend about it FFS

If someone told me something and asked me not to mention it to anyone - it would stay with me - unless they were confessing to murder or child molesting.
If you have to tell somebody something that you want kept secret, get a counsellor.

I rather doubt they keep it private even if directly asked.

Unless it's something horrific then most friends, who usually know DP well, assume it?

I found out that a colleague certainly took that attitude. We’re in a profession where we are completely used to keeping matters confidential. I told her something (personal to myself rather than relating to a client). A few days later someone else asked about it. She had told her husband, who had told that person. Fortunately I was going to let people know, but I had expected to manage the news my way. Husbands and wives should probably not keep their own secrets from each other, but need to be able to distinguish between those and other people’s confidential information.

Judging by this thread about half do. Which is completely disgusting.

I think most people tell their partners, unless sworn to absolute secrecy.

It's childish to call it morally abhorrent.

If we went down the road where it actually were viewed as 'morally abhorrent' (which as I've already explained it is not as adultery is viewed by anybody who has not got a completely childish view of relationships as not as simply: adulterer - bad, cheated on person-good) then it is us women who would bear the brunt of this.

We would be the ones hounded for our 'sins' not men who would continue to cheat with impunity.

How do I know this? By comparing the way women are treated when they commit adultery to the way that men are treated in countries that are patriarchal and misogynistic.

I'm not a cheat. I just can't stand hyperbole.

Nobody sensible thinks adultery is on the same level as rape or murder ffs.
Nobody.

Really? Having a modicum of moral integrity is childish? That's a new one on me. And for most of history, it's men who have cheated on women with impunity while women have been punished for it, so to say you'd be 'proud' of your husband for supporting his cheating friend is just a continuation of patriarchy and misogyny.

If we're being honest, then I think you're just a cheater looking to justify your actions. I can't understand why you'd be so het up, otherwise.
Regardless, it is very off-topic, so I'm happy to agree to disagree.

yep

No they don't!

Abhorrent is reserved for serial killers and child abusers and the like not adulterers ffs.

Most people are grown up enough to realise that marriages are complicated.

Only a very immature unsophisticated person would say:
Cheated on person: good
Cheater: bad.

It's really fucking childish to think otherwise.

I'll also add that for all your bandying about the words patriarchy and misogyny if we were all like you and considered adultery 'morally abhorrent' it is US WOMEN who would get the shitty end of the stick, not men.

I've had enough of this now. In all honesty I think you need to grow up on this particular issue.

I'm very firmly in the camp a secret is a secret, and there's things I'll take to my grave.

No matter how posters are trying to dress it up, telling your DH others personal details is gossip, pure and simple. I just can't IMAGINE violating a friends privacy and dignity by spilling every detail to my partner.

There's some extremely emotionally immature people on here.

Erm, I think most people do see cheating as morally abhorrent. I'm not sure many people (except cheaters) are going to defend it. It's possible to believe people should absolutely have the right to exert their bodily autonomy, but to also disapprove when they use it to hurt, deceive, and endanger other people. That's nuance.

You keep misrepresenting me. I have specifically said it is not nor should it be a criminal offence. It's quite possible to acknowledge that someone has the right to do as they wish with their body, and that it's morally abhorrent for them to cheat on their partner.

I'm not sure why you're so keen to defend exposing your partner to STIs, betraying them, or having sex with someone when they wouldn't consent if they knew the truth, but it's clear your moral compass is very askew.

Apparently your husband telling you that his friend is cheating on your friend would be morally unacceptable...but your husband cheating on you would be totally morally acceptable? I'm not sure how that works, in your head.

As I said, it's odd to see the vitriol on this thread towards women for sharing things (that perhaps they shouldn't!) with their husband, while simultaneously a man cheating on his wife and sharing that with another man is being represented as acceptable. Women, it seems, are nasty, delusional, gossiping busybodies, whose husbands think they're mugs, while husbands who partake in keeping patriarchal secrets that hurt women, are praiseworthy.

@OtterlyAstounding
What you also fail to grasp that if cheating were seen as 'morally abhorrent' then it would be us women that would suffer not men.

We would be branded whores for cheating and strung up, not men.

So actually my view is feminist.

You either believe that adults have bodily autonomy or you don't.

I do and if that means some people cheat so be it.

I'll add that your personal boundaries are off.
You do not seem to realise the concept of autonomy.

We can hope that somebody we're in a relationship would be faithful, but as it is their body to do with what they want we should not automatically expect it as a right.

It's really weird that anybody would think it's akin to a criminal offence if their partner cheats.
They can be upset, that's OK, but they have no right over what that person does with their body.

Very childish and immature to think otherwise.

It's not passive aggressive. I'm genuinely sorry that you think a man protecting his cheating friend is something to be proud of, that you think sharing values somehow denotes 'ownership' instead of alignment, that you think people don't deserve to be able to give informed consent, and that it's acceptable to have sex with someone when you know for a fact they would not consent if they knew you were betraying them.
There's a lot of internalised misogyny tied up in that.

(Also, you're allowed to swear on Mumsnet, just fyi.)

it’s a transparent attempt to make gossiping a moral imperative.

I don't want you passive aggressive pity.

It's deeply f ing warped that you place cheating on the same level as rape.

Society does not agree with you as it would be a criminal offence if it did.

Nobody takes possession of another adults body just because they're in a relationship.

Nobody.

It's your view that is twisted not mine.

How is somebody elses business being kept shtum classed as 'keeping secrets' from your husband?