AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

It is quite worrying, isn't it?

I still have confidences from friends I haven't seen for years, I never told my DH as they had asked me not to say anything.
A relative of DH told me something in confidence, after a couple of days I did ask if I could tell him as he would be able to offer help and support, it was only after their agreement that I told DH.

This comment horrifies me! You really don’t see yourself as a separate entity to your partner? That seems so unhealthy to me.

I realised a long time ago that anything I told my closest friends was getting told to their husbands. So when I finally got married I've done the same! There are times where one of us will say - please tell noone, not even Mr TigerJoy, and I of course keep my trap shut

However my husband and friends' husbands have the good sense to act as if they don't know.

My husband has been telling me about his close friend's breakup, sometimes he asks for advice on what is the best thing to say. He is also genuinely upset at how his friend is behaving and wants to discuss it. I don't see it as gossip and we speak respectfully about this kind of thing.

This is an interesting thread.

It turns out that I am more of a gossip than I thought.
I do tell my DH stuff and I would generally expect my friends to tell their DHs' stuff - but there's plenty that wouldn't interest him/them and there's also plenty that I know is confidential and I don't pass that on.

I have probably made mistakes in the grey areas though because I am a fairly open person so tend to mind less if people pass stuff on about me.

I will genuinely reflect on this having read this thread.

I find that so depressing. When I married my husband, I didn't lose my identity as an individual. I joined my life with his, but not my identity.

so, if me and you were best friends and I was raped, needed your support desperately and begged you not to tell a soul, you’d still gossip behind my back and tell your husband, who is an entirely different entity to you? You’re that bad a friend?

A fiend told me something in confidence once. It was quite significant and told me not to tell anyone even DH. I didn’t tell anyone but then at a dinner with some friends a mutual friend and her DH asked us what I thought about it… in front of my DH! I looked dumbfounded and she said ‘oh Janice said she told you already’. D H was literally the only one round the table who didn’t know and he was pretty cross about it although he understood when I explained to him. but it put a dent in our confidence in each other and I looked and felt like a mug.
Based on that experience I’d probably tell him now. He’s not a tittle tattler anyway.

I tell my husband everything and expect anything I tell my friends to be shared with their husbands. I can't imagine a world where me and my husband weren't treated as one really.

How was your day?
Great. Elizabeth is having menopausal flooding and Louise is thinking of upgrading her car.

Some information is not for sharing!

I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't divulge every conversation but also do share broad topics.

If I've had a long call with a close friend he might ask how they were and so on. Say they had spent most of the call talking about something that was happening at work and highly personal. I'd say "she's having some issues at work but otherwise she's good and says Hi" I wouldn't give a blow by blow account of how this happened and that happened. Similarly, this is the level I would share with them about my partner.

If I do need to decompress I talk to people completely removed. I have friends all over the world from completely different times of my life. I haven't had to do it but I have a friend who uses me in this way. She is the go to person for a friend who had a difficult love life some years ago. She was very intense and some times my friend needed to talk things through. All I know about this person in terms of identifying characteristics is the country she was born in and where she met my friend. So I feel safe to keep her secrets and support my friend in supporting her. If there was any chance that I would be able to identify her or come into contact with her I wouldn't be happy for my friend to talk about her to me .

If it impacts my spouse or their relationship with the couple involved, I’d share it. If it doesn’t, I think it’s shitty to blab about other people’s private lives. I don’t consider it “keeping secrets” to not tell my husband my friends’ business. Being married to me doesn’t entitle him to private information about my extended network of he doesn’t have a close enough relationship with to hear first hand.

Personally if I were sharing with a friend, I would always clarify with my friend that I expected them not to share with their husband before I said anything. Because I know people do feel differently about this and I wouldn’t want to share with a blabbermouth.

Kick up a fuss and they will label you a man hater whos trying to destroy her marriage 🙄🙄

Just dont tell her anything you dont want repeated

Yanbu though

I really hope that none of the ‘I share everything with my husband because we’re one person/entity/being’ don’t work with children, vulnerable adults, as police officers, nurses, doctors, midwives, health visitors, social workers, carers or any other job that requires confidentiality, safeguarding or discretion. The reality is, lots of you will which means that some of you must breach laws and your employment contract every day because you don’t keep secrets…. Or does it just apply to gossip and personal details your friends tell you?

That doesn't really answer my question about why it would be important to any relationship to be able to gossip about other people's secrets?

So you've always assumed that their permission is implicit and that it's what most people would expect.

Now you have read this thread and seen the poll, you know that it is directly contrary to what most people would expect, so will you be changing your approach in future and seeking explicit consent from friends before sharing stuff with your husband?

As usual, the main lesson from is thread is not to make assumptions. If something matters, say it out loud.

I’m not saying I necessarily do this but for some people it is how they choose to express their relationship. That’s allowed, but it means we should always clarify the limit of confidences made and kept.

I think you're feeling called out hearing that your behaviour makes you a shit friend so feel the need to suggest that being a trustworthy person to others makes you a bad partner 🤔

Yes. It's giving "Give me your phone Darling and turn out your pockets...you know husbands and wives shouldn't have secrets..."

So do I. I don’t think you can call yourself a good friend if you can’t refrain from passing on things told to you in confidence. Being married or having a long term partner doesn’t stop you from being two separate people, I think sharing confidences with a partner when asked not to is unforgivable.

Do your friends know you do this and are they happy with it?
I would t confide anything sensitive to you on this basis

I rarely confide in friends as it it - I generally prefer to internalise and stew on stuff until it all gets a bit much and then I may end up wanting to talk to a friend. That takes a lot for me to do - and the thought that they may report back to their partners is just gross.

luckily, I do know that my two closest friends would never do that because they are decent people who respect others' privacy

It is odd to hear the word gossip when describing wives talking to husbands though? I think women might fall into the trap of imagining the man won't remember, say anything or act on anything because. well, often they don't have many friends, listen or do much. I always assume my friend's partners know things about me that I share with them, but then I would probably also say things in front of their husband.

Then don’t have friends.